To Feel

It's moments like these, the ones where every intake of breath brings pain hammering down upon my soul that remind me I'm alive, and even if it's faint, I can still feel. Feel. What? So many things. Wonder, hope, agony, remorse, curiosity, fear, and oh so much more. A faint whisper tickles my ear in hopes of uplifting my spirits. With so much depth, how can I not but feel so utterly bewildered with the things going on inside? When I'm supposed to be in grief, how then do I manage to live on? Why does not the bitter pangs torment me like it does others? Am I heartless? Am I cold? Perhaps I do feel, but I push away the ones distasteful to me. What a mess it has made. With feelings so muddled I must now sift through and wonder why I have let myself come to such a state. Feel. How can I feel? Do I feel? The anguish, yes I do. But darling, the feelings are so suppressed it's bending me, threatening to break me. Do I really feel pain? Is it strength or is it merely cowardice for not taking on the pain? How do you know?

Break free and live on. Live. How do you live with such death? With demons tormenting with great cunning skill, how can a mere mortal withstand such a plight?

Wrestle with yourself, let your mind run wild with thoughts then stop. Breathe. Then that's when the pain starts out slow and dull.. but with each deep intake of breath the pain begins to pierce deeper and deeper. That's when you know, you know you can still feel. That's when you realize cowardice is nothing more than the thoughts implanted into your mind by the meddling devils. That's when you know your strength is holding fast. That's when you know you're alive.