Highway 6 Drunkard

On the way home from work I saw a drunk guy. It was completely random too. It was on the side of Highway 6 and Huffmeister. I saw him and he was stumbling around and I'm thinking to myself, what is this idiot doing? (Not knowing he's drunk yet..). Well it's slow cause of traffic and I get closer and he's picking up a box... of beer. So he's stumbling around and trying to pick up his beer but the box falls apart and his cans roll everywhere. He's careful to pick up every one. By now I'm looking in my rear view mirror watching this scene.

Why did I tell that story? I thought it was sad. Depressing. Poor pathetic life. It was like 4:30 too. Random time to be on the side of the road drunk. How do you even get to a point like that? I don't know. I never want to know.

So have you ever thought so much you felt like your head was going to explode? Yeah, actually that's never happened to me. My head just hurts, frustration builds up, stress rises, etc. Sometimes I think and think then I come full swing around and realize something I should have realized from the beginning. There are so many things in life you have no control over and you just have to let go. Sometimes by letting go you actually get to keep it. Sometimes. Sunday was surprisingly good. Something unexpected happened. So that was nice. Insanely nice. You have no idea. You really don't know because I'm not going to elaborate ha.

Also, have you ever thought about something... then realized it's so beautiful that makes you want to cry? I don't cry, but it makes me want to. Actually, one of my current favorite songs lyrics says it too: "It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry." The question is, will it be the good kind of tears, or sad ones? Only time will ever tell. I don't know if it's a tragic beauty or a heart warming beauty.

I'm so tired from work. Not tired physically where I need sleep, but just tired. Tired mentally. Tired emotionally. My soul's tired. I'm so exhausted, where can I even find a resting place? Is there such a place? Do you find it in a book, in your thoughts, by sitting in the midst of nature, or can you find it in the comfort of a friends words? When you're the one continually being there for everyone else, always being the strong one, always the one lifting everyone else up out of their misery, who then is the one to be there for you? I don't know. But when I find that place, it'll be like heaven, I can guarantee you that.

Forge Ahead

I really am a goody goody. I know exactly where my phone is and could have easily taken it. I suppose this is where self control and honesty come into play. It's just a phone. It's just one night.

But that aside, guess what! You get to read another one of my poems. I wrote is a little over a week ago. Enjoy, or not. The choice is yours.

Forge Ahead

The man who sleeps never lives
And the one who lives never sleeps.
Define us this moment, then graciously give
The dead honor, for the one who weeps.
Call it truth or call it virtue
Fools will be fooled,
And the wise always have a clue,
To when the rug's been pulled
Out from beneath them on a dreary night.
To suffer for the cause
Then end with such a plight:
To wish for life and a bloodied gauze,
Is what the sleeping soldier lost.
We say God bless,
But a life we tossed,
Will it cost more or less?
There cannot be gain,
Unless there is loss,
There will be pain,
Over this we cannot gloss.
Suffer the truth,
Or lose what is lost,
Enter the booth.
Or let your back be crossed.
Honor the dead,
Let the living be free,
Forge on ahead,
Let this be.

Written in light of many things. Our country, the men who died for it, the men who fight for it. The ignorant people who those soldiers died for. The people who do not care for truth. Too many people are blindsided and forget what freedom cost, what it means. With election time rolling around I think way too many people don't care. Enter the booth with the truth of what's going on, or let your back be crossed. What makes American great? Democracy, freedom of speech (among many many other things). Too many take it for granted. Too many people just don't care.

License!

Just 2 things.

1. I FINALLY got my license in the mail :D
2. My parents make no sense

The first one completely made my day, which is quite convenient considering the two things canceled each other out. I've been checking the mail waiting for it for weeeks. I'm so glad it finally came! I guess it's a decent picture of me. That's always nice. Although it expires on my birthday (18! Woo!). That's not too far away.

The second, I really actually was surprised by. Usually I at least understand where my mom is coming from. She took my phone away today for no reason other than she didn't want me to use it. Just for one day, she'll give it to me tomorrow. I don't even know why she took it in the first place. She took it when I was still in bed. Parents. Whatever I can go one night without a phone.

Coffee!?

I've been in this poetic bubble as of late. Creatively speaking, it's amazing... but still come on. I haven't written anything other than poems lately. It has kind of annoyed me. Last night while I was studying/reading Ben-Hur I kept getting all these different story ideas. I wanted to write so bad! But I restrained myself. Sometimes you have to make good grades and that's more important that creative writing in your free time. Not to mention it was like 2:30 in the morning. So I'm aggravated because I can't remember what I came up with last night. I only remember one vaguely. I should write these things down. Drat.

So since I stayed up so late I was pretty tired this morning. I think I hit snooze on my alarm 5 times. No lie. It's 5 minute intervals and so I woke up 25 mins later than planned. But it's okay, I just skipped that time getting ready. 5 minutes! Yes! Speed time to get ready. And the amazing part is my hair is like the coolest hair ever and I never have to fix it. I wake up and it's just all ready good to go. Then of course the pain, make up. The price we girls pay to enhance our beauty, or hide our ugliness. Ha. :]. I choose to believe I'm enhancing. Anyways. So I drank coffee this morning. Oh, I gagged the first time I forced it down. Why did I even drink coffee? Caffeine. I was up late and I really wanted to be awake during class(I love this class). So since I was utterly exhausted, the coffee and sleep depravity counter attacked one another and in turn balanced me out. I was no more hyper than usual, but not sleepy. Just normal. Amazingly. It was straight black coffee. Even more sick. That's all we had. Pure insanity. Nasty. I really don't like coffee. I think if I forced myself to drink it in a few short months I could build up a good tolerance to it and not mind it. Yeah, no thanks.

I really want to write later. I feel all creative now... but school comes first. Sigh.

Oh! But I want to leave you with a poem I love! It makes you stop and think.

Myself
Edgar Guest

I have to live with myself, and so
I want to be fit for myself to know,
I want to be able, as the days go by,
Always to look myself straight in the eye;
I don't want to stand, with the setting sun
And hate myself for the things I've done

I don't want to keep on a closet shelf
A lot of secrets about myself,
And fool myself, as I come and go,
Into thinking that nobody else will know
The kind of man I really am;
I don't want to dress myself in sham

I wan to go out with my head erect,
I want to deserve all men's respect;
But here in the struggle for fame and pelf
I want to be able to like myself.
I don't want to look at myself and know
That I'm bluster and bluff and empty show.

I can never hide myself from me;
I see what others may never see;
I know what others may never know,
I never can fool myself, and so,
Whatever happens, I want to be
Self-respecting and conscience free

Science=Death

Thoughts run ever so freely through out my mind. Thoughts ever so prevalent are left undefined.

"What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger."

How I hate that quote, yet how true it is. Sometimes you have to run through the bad to get to the good. Oh, I really hope there is good... if not that's probably the worst deal I've ever heard of.

That aside, I really hate science. A lot. But I love my class. It's amazing. I sit at a table with all guys (besides myself of course). They make class interesting. Seriously, it's so hilarious at that table. All of us hate science with a deep burning passion, so we make the most of it. Tc sits to my left and Blake to my right and Drew on the other side of Blake. Usually Drew and I just text the whole time. Blake provides us with the refreshments (ha the kid ALWAYS has peach tea and food for us, no lie). And Tc cracks jokes every five seconds. Our teacher hates our table. I think I sit with the most normal homeschool guys in the whole entire class, of course. Would you expect anything less of me? Half the time we're dying laughing. The other half ... we're trying NOT to laugh. The things that come out of their mouths... oh man. There's this other girl Kim in our class who I love, but can be a bit slow. See, none of the guys pick on me because I'm smart enough to know when they're making fun of me and I can fight fire with fire. Kim kinda is an easy target. We all get along swell. Honestly I think it's one of my favorite classes (minus the whole having to learn science part). Yeah other than that it's a like a slow painful death, like a poison coursing through my veins slowly, but surely, shutting down my systems one by one. Death is inevitable but I must endure the process. No, it can't be quick. The lectures slay me! Ah! So yeah interesting class. Interesting day today. Of course sitting at a table full of guys there's going to be some sexual innuendos... and somehow I ended up being Blake's hoe. See, Blake brings these crystal light packets to make the peach tea. Everyone at the table loves peach tea. Someone has to fill up the water bottles... so Blake turns to me and says hey, go get me water. So I say why should I? And he goes because you're my... and I said hoe? And he said, Yeaaah just didn't want to be the one to say hoe, but yes you're my hoe. So I turn to Tc and say hey hoe go get me some water. He did. Then next time (we're all sharing saliva and drinking after one another, of course) he got Drew too. He said Drew's my B... and Drew is feeling all left out not having a hoe or B. (It was funny cause Tc actually said B and not the whole word lol). So I'm like aww poor Drew, I'll be your hoe! So the next time I got the water. So we're all calling each other hoes and B's in class today. Random much? I think they got a kick out of how I didn't get offended haha. Man, I freaking love those guys. Minus the fact that I was called a hoe of course.

So despite the test I failed today, it was pretty ok. I'm going to take a nap (Heaven!) then I have voice lessons later. Gah. I need to practice. Perhaps I'll post another poem here soon?

Blah

I find it absolutely draining to have so many emotions flow through me all at once. It's exhausting really. What emotions? Eh, no need to tell you here. I want to write, I need to, but I find myself at a loss for words. A loss of words that I feel like I can share. I have enough running around inside my head, but not all of them are for prying eyes to read.

I didn't even fall asleep until 4 last night. Luckily my mom let me sleep in til 9. But still, that's ridiculous. I won't be sleeping much tonight either. Sleep evades me. A comfort so welcome has run so far from me. Why? It's as if God up in heaven is mocking me and laughing at my pathetic little life and just having a grand time watching me stumble through this wretched time. Thanks.

On a lighter note this guy I haven't seen in a couple years added me on facebook. I used to have the biggest crush on him too. Of course when I was a freshman I thought he was the hottest guy ever and that played a factor into it. Too bad he was shy. Anyways blast from the past. Awesome!

And my computer is being ridiculously slow. How about something NICE happen to me tonight? Oh yes tonight has been utterly stressful btw.

Goodness.

(insert name here)

I was thinking yesterday, "Man I really wish I had gone to the rodeo this year." Which today was the last day, depressing isn't it? Well my friend Andrew ends up asking if I want to go because he has an extra ticket. I was like well duh of course! So that's literally 30 mins after I woke up this morning (yeah... around 1:30 pm, ha). So we went to the rodeo. Brooks and Dunn was tonights concert. I've never been a huge country listening kind of person, but I love going to the rodeo's concerts. It seriously is an amazing experience. Not to mention I like watching the bull riding and barrel racing. My parents can be weird about me hanging out with just guys, but for some reason my mom didn't care at all. She was like oh, well are y'all just friends? Is he a good driver? How do you know him? I think saying "Homeschooled" really did the trick. She didn't even care when we got home. He just picked me up and we left. That's not how my parents usually roll, it was great. I felt like a normal kid with non-stifling non-smothering non-ridiculous parents for once in my life. I know he doesn't like me (thaank goodness) because he's half in love with my best friend, but she doesn't like him. That's high school for you. She kept asking if was awkward or weird. It wasn't at all. The kid is a sweetheart. He payed for my stuff and held doors open for me, I just kept thinking "Awww". I like this kid! She's crazy for not liking him. But he's not my type in the least. She thought it might be weird just because we aren't super tight nor do we hang out that much. We're just ok friends. Naw, it was a great bonding time! Haha.

My sister was there too and when I got home I got to chill with her and her boyfriend. I never see her.

So fun spontaneous day. I don't feel like being all creative with my story telling today. For that I am sorry. I've saving it. I just, I really need some way to express the emotions I'm feeling inside. I'm kind of frustrated right now. I shouldn't be, I have no valid reason to be, and yet I am. So the fact that I know I shouldn't be frustrated only frustrates me more. But then at the same time how could I be anything but frustrated? So maybe I do have a valid reason to be frustrated, or maybe I don't. Or maybe I just over think it and over thinking it makes me frustrated by thinking about it too much. Then of course I get frustrated for overthinking everything. Gah. Ok I'm heading to bed "early". Or I'm attempting to. I'm going to the early service at church tomorrow. Free breakfast! My whole family isn't. Just my little brother and I.

Oh to let my thought to be squandered on pointless things, then maybe I wouldn't be frustrated.

Spontaneity!

All I have to say is I love spontaneous plans. A lot. They make me smile. What am I doing? I'll post about it later, I'm leaving!

Dead Arise in Meeting

When I write, it's one of my favorite things. When I write, it's one of the things I hate most. Oh to write eloquent beautiful passionate tales. But sometimes it seems like it's to no avail. Words come easy enough, rhythm and rhyme, neither are tough. So why is it so hard for me to simply let go? Why do I have a hard time even posting on this silly blog the poems I write? Because if you read it, and you don't like it it's like a bitter blow. Sure not everyone will like what I write, that much is evident. But it's something more. It's liking parting with a piece of my soul. A soul on display. Even if has nothing to do with me, it came from within me. For one to flippantly dismiss a deep part of me... I can't even put the terrible blow to the senses it would bring.

All that to say, I wrote poem. I wrote it tonight. A type of poem you may most likely not have ever read from me before. It's... how do I explain it? It's dark, yet light, depressing yet hopeful. A mix of the two with a bittersweet tale. To write of death, it may be absurdly odd, yet I do. This particular one has a happy ending, something I don't always let happen.

Dead Arise in Meeting

Thump thump thump a heart does beat,
To ever quicken this slow slow pace...
It only seems to happen after you've found
That one beautiful soulful face.
In all that time has to give
Cold and dead you live.
Like a walking corpse you abide,
Behind that sickly pallor you do hide.
All have fallen so utterly short,
Yet when searching and looking we simply abort
We plead and we cry wanting more
We give up when we want to soar.
We lie to ourselves; we lie on our bed
We can't wake up we're endlessly dead.
Unmoving unwavering we choose,
This situation we all seem to lose.
Death, O to overcome this terrible feat
A cold hard heart is so painful to beat.
So stiff and unusual we're just so lost,
We get one chance, to take or toss.
When the dead arise to meet,
Their meeting is so bitterly sweet.
A soul does speak
Whispers onto a lovers cheek
A stir,
It does occur.
With one electrifying kiss,
Passions awake; Passion's alive!
It's entering into eternal bliss.
Head first two do dive.
Eyes are open and tears are shed,
These lovers arise, arise from the dead.
The truth is so beautifully spoken...
The spell of death is forever broken.

An Utterly Perfect Moment

Oh if only every day could feel as nice as this one! It was simply divine. But really, it started yesterday. I was bummed that my parents wouldn't let me drive over to my friend's house. I hadn't hung out with her in a while and I had been looking forward to seeing her. She ended up getting a ride over to my house and spent the night. We're pretty chill when we hang out. The norm for us is to catch up, drink tea, then pick a movie to watch. It's a tradition to drink tea! I ran out of tea last night, which plays into the course of today's escapade :].

We watched She's the Man, one of my absolute favorites. It's one big long hilariously awkward moment. I love it. I can quote the whole movie with the characters. Every time she comes over she wants to watch it, but I loaned it to my friend last summer and didn't get it back until recently. We were stoked. We cracked up the entire time. Then we talked and I told her all the excitingly boring happenings of my life. I say exciting because to me it is, I say boring because in all honesty to me it is. And she then related me all the happy going ons of hers. We scan over all the movies in my room (I'm the one who actually buys movies in my family, no one else ever does) and picked In the Land of Women to watch next. We we're movie happy last night. I heard bad reviews about the movie, but I wanted to see it so badly. Why? Adam Brody is in it. He is the love of my life. My one stupid frivolous hollywood crush every high school girl is allowed to have. He is the absolute epitome of gorgeousness. The most attractive man to ever walk upon this planet. Whoever I date will have to accept this love affair, as will I to who ever his hollywood obsession is. So I loved the movie more than I should have. It really wasn't that great of a movie, nothing special. But I'm sure I'll watch it over and over simply because Adam Brody is in it. A favorite for superficial reasons, I'm ok with that. We went to bed past 4. We woke up at 10. I needed to cash a check before the activities of the day began to unravel. To my surprise my mom was ok with me driving with someone else in the car. I still need to get an account, I just haven't gotten around to it. So the first bank I went to was like, "We can't cash it because you don't have an account." Wonderful. But the other bank was across the street so it was no big deal. The lady then asks me for a photo ID. I don't have one yet, those stupid people at the DMV have yet to mail it to me! Idiots! Gah. But it was cool she still cashed it for me.

After arriving back at my house our other friend got there. We sat in my room talking for a bit, but then I grew restless. I wanted to leave my house. So we decided to go to starbucks so I could replenish my tea supply (I ran out remember). We drive to starbucks. My tea wasn't there. No big deal. They wanted coffee from a place called Caffeino. It's a good ways away. So we drive out there and get coffee (them not me.. yuck). We stop by HEB to get my tea. They didn't have my flavor in stock. We started to get uneasy. It's all three of our favorite tea. So we drive back near my house and go to the starbucks in Barnes and Noble. Our friend Kevin was working and so I asked if they carried the brand and flavor. NO! Now we're all like what the crap, why does no one have this amazing tea?! He suggests we go to Randalls. We drive over to the target in the strip center near it because they have a starbucks inside. We ask, and yet again THEY DON'T HAVE IT. By now we're all so ticked. We drive over to Randalls, our last hope. We look and look, but nooo, Tazo just doesn't like us for some reason. (Tazo is the brand). I ended up buying green tea. We all are super bummed about not finding the tea anywhere. We drove all around and it was all to no avail. But it was a fun little hunt. We go back to my house and had tea. It just wasn't the same. I really want passion tea now. They left soon after.

I drove my sister to the store so she could buy junk food and such. While I was there I indulged myself a bit. I sprung and bought the expensive dark chocolate. I used to HATE dark chocolate, I thought it was disgusting, but for some reason I love it now. It satisfies that girlish chocolate longing. I love chocolate. Chocolate honestly has a way of soothing all of life's problems. With each bite it's bliss. You lose yourself in the smooth refined taste and for a brief second, it tastes like heaven. Random days I want chocolate so I bought it. Then I took a stroll to the mailbox down the street. I stopped by the bayou and the grassy field next to it. The wind whipped subtly all around and seemed to wrap it's arms around me. A smile crossed my lips. It's such beautiful weather were having. I sat down, drinking in the cool fresh air. In that moment, I lost myself. All of life's problems, all the worlds troubles, all my burdensome thoughts escaped me. I laid my head down in the soft green grass. The prickly soft blades cushioned my head. I closed my eyes. If only life had more of those kinds of moments. Everything felt so peaceful. It felt like everything was going to be ok. Time stopped but life kept moving all around. The birds sung their songs cheerfully. The bugs buzzed about. The occasional passing car disrupted the serenity. It was so beautiful! If only more people stopped and had such an experience. I wanted to go to the park. I wanted to write. I wanted to just absorb the splendor all around me. I walked home then found my little brother. I asked him if he wanted to go with me to the park. He said yes. My sister came too. I drove them to a nearby park and they ran off somewhere. I sat against a tree, listened to my sweet Sufjan. I wrote a poem. I put the finishing touches on the few I wrote the day before. I read a book. It was an incredibly relaxing two hours. Time did fly. When I got home my mom just thought it was the sweetest act to take my younger siblings to the park. I think she just thought it was sweet of me to think of them and how they might have fun going.

Today has been such a relaxing fun day. I'm sort of glad I have no plans tonight. After working all week it's nice to unwind. The weather was so nice and peaceful. Oh how I love the outdoors! When I'm older I don't want to live here. I want to move where in the summer it's not scorching hot all the time. Bliss. It was the perfect day, and I needed it severely. I've been feeling a bit burdened and had a lot of things going on lately. Too many thoughts. Too much skepticism. Too many questions. Too many dreary thoughts. I don't really talk about it with anyone. I store it up inside and ponder it all and turn it all over in my mind over and over again. Today and the silent serenity it held, it renewed something inside. Something I needed to be renewed. A tenderness towards life perhaps, a hope. With all the crap in this world, just one brief utterly perfect moment seems to sooth the aches. To live for such moments, to cherish such moments. I want to experience as many of those as possible. Oh to find someone who wants to cherish such moments too, to share such moments. One day... one day.

Fences

Have you ever sat atop a fence? Not knowing which side is right? Today I am. It's not about anything big or important or even life altering, but still, it's a fence none the less. On one side people are screaming yes yes yes! Then there is always the faint whisper saying, no darling, it's simply a no. How do you find out which side is right? Who is right? One second I'm agreeing heartily then the next moment I'm second guessing it all. The facts are all laid out in a neat little row. But to decipher the meaning? Who can know? I review it again, telling myself no, a thousand times no. But ... is it a yes, and I just am so pessimistic I am so used to saying no that I assume it's a no but really it's a yes? Or could it possibly be it's really a no and I'm just holding on to dim hope that's it's a yes? Yes or no? I don't know. I don't want a no, but I'm scared of a yes, it's all so ridiculous I must confess. I should leave it alone, but no I cannot. It's not the Leah way. I must over think things, it's what I do best! I love to complicate things; I love to bring it to a deeper level then absolutely pick apart minuscule details. Yes or no, perhaps in the middle? Maybe it's neither a yes nor no, but undecided? Do you know what I mean? How can I sit atop the fence and want to know which side is right, when I myself do not even know what I will feel or how to respond to a yes, or even a maybe. Perhaps it's better off just letting the whispers carry me away. No no no- it's best that way. Easier?- but is it better? Best? What do I want? On the fence I can only see a blur down below. What do I prefer? I prefer to over complicate things, it's my way of life.

I sit atop a fence, wondering.

Do you ever wonder such things too?

--- I've had a sudden burst of creativity. I wrote a few poems last night, and wrote a few poems while at work. I usually only write one at a time. But to show them? Never. Imperfections remain in the dimmed light of the writer who works so diligently to pour her heart into her work... no need to let the savage critics tear her soulful writings apart.

My parents just denied me the privilege of a grand night I had been planning on all week. Sigh. Perhaps I'll sit at home and be a recluse and write. Or to be lazy and watch a movie. Or perhaps induce my mind with fanciful imaginations from a cleverly written book.

When I have a good line of poetry stuck in my head the rest just follows. I'll give you a few lines I thought of at work (All from different poems):

"Fall back, no, step ahead!
'Cause in this place you're merely dead."

"This longing, passion, and desire,
Are all like living breathing fire."

"O, to turn about the room,
and have your presence linger and loom."

"Still so distant, and yet so near,
Did you know... how I miss you dear?"

It's easier to show you simply a line. To show you it all? No, I won't. Perhaps once I've finished them all. All are "finished" but I like to put finishing touches on the things I write. Btw, the last one is the starting lines for TWO different poems. Perhaps I'm writing a poem about my two best friends who live states away? :].

Speaking of I have a wonderful wonderful idea. Until I master the idea, add on to the idea, then perfect the idea.. I can't tell you! Amber has an idea. But she doesn't know she has an idea.

To Feel

It's moments like these, the ones where every intake of breath brings pain hammering down upon my soul that remind me I'm alive, and even if it's faint, I can still feel. Feel. What? So many things. Wonder, hope, agony, remorse, curiosity, fear, and oh so much more. A faint whisper tickles my ear in hopes of uplifting my spirits. With so much depth, how can I not but feel so utterly bewildered with the things going on inside? When I'm supposed to be in grief, how then do I manage to live on? Why does not the bitter pangs torment me like it does others? Am I heartless? Am I cold? Perhaps I do feel, but I push away the ones distasteful to me. What a mess it has made. With feelings so muddled I must now sift through and wonder why I have let myself come to such a state. Feel. How can I feel? Do I feel? The anguish, yes I do. But darling, the feelings are so suppressed it's bending me, threatening to break me. Do I really feel pain? Is it strength or is it merely cowardice for not taking on the pain? How do you know?

Break free and live on. Live. How do you live with such death? With demons tormenting with great cunning skill, how can a mere mortal withstand such a plight?

Wrestle with yourself, let your mind run wild with thoughts then stop. Breathe. Then that's when the pain starts out slow and dull.. but with each deep intake of breath the pain begins to pierce deeper and deeper. That's when you know, you know you can still feel. That's when you realize cowardice is nothing more than the thoughts implanted into your mind by the meddling devils. That's when you know your strength is holding fast. That's when you know you're alive.

Poets

"Poets utter great and wise things which they do not themselves understand." -Plato

Two Part Path

Hello again,

Upon request per Amber, I've decided to show you a poem I jotted down earlier. I don't really post poems here. Most "poems" I have in the past I don't consider real poetry. The one about my sister, yes that one was real. I like the rhythm and rhyme aspects of it. Without those I think my poetry isn't anything grand. So enjoy.

Two Part Path

Charmed was she at twenty-three,
With the winding two part path.
She looked around, heard not a sound,
Nor was there a soul to be seen.
She thought to herself, about fame and pelf,
And wondered what life was about.
She looked to her left, would she be bereft?
Perhaps she should choose the other.
Look to the right, is it worth the fight?
Of struggling and toiling so.
To make a choice, but to have a voice!
Is all she really wanted.
A path so clear, on which to steer,
She was having trouble deciding
To hold on to, what's trite and true,
Or to embark on an adventure so new?
She struggled and toiled, and how she recoiled,
To think of a life wasted.
To live out earnest, her heart did turnest,
Of the longing and desire inside.
Which path to take, which wouldn't break,
Her dreams, passions, and longings?
If she only knew, what to do,
On this crossroad here in her life.
To think with strife of this miserable life,
Wondering what would come next.
She didn't know, how to row,
And steer this monstrous ship of hers.
To sail into, the beautiful blue,
And have a storm come and wash her away.
The choice is now, to fate you must bow,
To choose one and forsake the other.
With a path so hazy, don't be lazy,
Decipher the signs you see.
Look there and look here, Be sure to show no fear,
To the threatening world to come.
Hold your head high, don't ever deny
Yourself of the wisdom up above.
Enjoy your youth, but hold fast to truth,
For life with our either is lost.
Stand here a while, let your thoughts compile,
Sort through them with tender care.
Life beckons on, it soon is gone,
So tell me... What is the choice you make?

U-turns Hate Me.

Today was fun! Surprisingly enough. I didn't go to work which was nice. Of course I offered to work a lot this week... so it's my own fault for working. But my boss is swamped so I figured working when she needs me to is a good idea.

I went to the college library to meet up with my friend Drew to study. We both didn't pay attention last week so we vowed to get something done over spring break. He's really a great guy. I used to dislike him years ago. But since last year we've become good friends. He called me a bitch once because I told his girlfriend I thought he was a douche and she should break up with him. That made me mad. I think that was the first time anyone ever said that to me seriously. Jerk. He really is a rad guy though, but a terrible boyfriend. I'd never want any of my friends dating him. That's beside the point. He's really a sweet guy. He "censored" himself around me, things like "crap", "eff", etc. He knows I don't like that crap. We actually got a lot accomplished. Teamwork! And we laughed and joked too. All good fun. My best friend got out of class and met up with us. I told her I'd take her to lunch somewhere if she bought me food haha.

So we planned on going to Jack in the Box. We passed by Sonic and she goes wait let's go there! So I'm like crap, I hate making u-turns. I pull up at the light past it and am yielding waiting to turn. Well I thought I didn't make a small enough turn. I thought it was too wide. Immediately I think "shoot!" ... but sadly and to my embarrassment I actually in turn said the worse version. I hate filthy language, but I guess no one is perfect eh? She knows how much I detest it when SHE says things like that, but she still does on occasion. So she's staring at me dumbfounded. I luckily made the u-turn barely. Then come the "What did you just say??!" questions and here laughing her butt off. A mortified look is pasted upon my face. I can't say anything. I'm trying not to laugh yet completely dumbfounded that I even said it. It's not like it "slipped" because I've never had a problem cussing, ever! So I have no idea where that came from. She's dying laughing. And I'm like I swear to God it was an accident! Then she laughs about me saying "I swear to God." Then I proceed to apologize and go on and on about I didn't mean it and I just was really worried about jacking up the alignment of the car etc. She just laughed. To her it's no big deal. To me it is. I still can't believe I said it. Ha. I think it's kind of trashy when girls use the F word and every other curse word. Seriously, why? I told this one guy once that it only showed his lack of vocabulary since all he could think of to say about anything was F this and F that. The insult flew way over his head haha. Obviously no one is perfect, and when it slips out that's ok.. as long as it's not habit forming. I can understand guys more than girls. But still. Let's try to stretch our vocab and find other ways to express emotion verbally.

As if that's not great enough... there's more. We ordered our food in the drive through (not drive in). We're waiting and I was telling her about my study time with Drew. I said, "We started doing it, then we realized we did it all wrong." I'm being completely serious talking about the questions. She just gets that look on her face again and says,"Woah woah woah! Y'all did it?!" And I smack my forehead. Sexual innuendos.. gah. They are incredibly irritating at times. So she's laughing hysterically again. I'm yelling above her laughter explaining, "We started doing the QUESTIONS, then we realized we were doing the QUESTIONS wrong." Etc and so forth. We're both dying of laughter at this point. Honestly the things that come out of my mouth... I never mean for half of them to be taken in a "dirty" context. Yet somehow she finds a way to point it out.

We get up to the window and the guy takes forever to hand us our food. We went back to the college after that. My dad's foot is broken so we have a handicap sign in our car. She's like let's put it to good use! So since we can legally park there... we did. We sat having a marvelous chat filled with more laughter. I love that girl to death. We can laugh and be absolutely ridiculous and still be completely serious too. Which we did, we had a serious little side conversation lol.

After that I was at the library for a bit and I got a book (A biography about Edgar Allen Poe, one of my recent favorite writers!). Then I went to a books store. Which is another funny story. I was telling her what I planned to do after she went to go tutor this guy. She, of course, quotes me on this now, and will continue to do so until I say something else quotable. I said, "I'm going to go to half price books... to buy books. For half price." She just starts laughing at me. I laughed to, it was meant as a joke. I love barnes and noble... but sometimes it's dang expensive!

Then after I found a book from my list, I came home and sat under a tree in my front yard and read for a while. I've no plans for the rest of the day. That I am glad. I need to practice my song for voice.. which I have no idea how it goes and I have to have it memorized by tomorrow. Yikes!

That's all for my fun day thus far.

Change

I was thinking today. Haha, that's not new at all. But I was thinking about how much I've changed in the course of one year or so. I started my first job last summer. Did I start slowly? A few hours each couple days? Nope. I jumped in head first. I started working 8 hours 5 days a week a total of 40 hours a week. I like to start things immediately, it's either all or nothing with me. So I went all out. I was only 16 at the time. My parents tend to baby me and think of me as a little girl. What else is new? My parents would give me a hard time about stuff and I remember one moment that made me appreciate my sister more than I have in my whole life. I don't even remember exactly what the problem was. All I remember is that my parents were mad at me about something and my sister says, "I really think y'all should give her a break. She's never complained or whined once this whole summer about working 40 hours a week and paying for gas and or bills." It kind of surprised me she stood up for me. Not because she's a jerk but because I didn't even know she had really taken into account all I had done that summer. Of course my parents saw her point (for once they listened). After she said that it made me stop and think. I didn't even think twice about any of that. Sure it was hard, exhausting, and draining, but I never even see a reason to complain. Maybe I had reason to about having to pay for certain things I didn't want to pay for, but I never did.

Since I had such a steady job with a steady income, I also realized today how well I managed my money. I've payed for my share of things. I payed my own way to camp last summer. Sure I also spent it on frivolous things, who wouldn't? But I haven't worked all school year and I still have money from the summer. I saved almost a thousand dollars to pay for voice lessons all year. My math tutor, my best friends mom, once told me I have a beautiful mind. I was on the phone with my mom discussing something and she then told me when I got off the phone: that the way I look ahead and find answers to problems that might arise and I plan ahead is beautiful. And she went on to say a few other things that, of course, made my feel embarrassed for her praising me so. But nice. I payed for everything for my own birthday party (expensive yo). And yet I somehow managed to save enough for any spending I would want to do during the year. It's not like I'm stingy either. I'm smart with what I buy, but when I see something I really like I'll buy it and not feel guilty. So I managed my money "well" last summer.. and it wasn't even that great. This summer will be a whole new level of smarts ;]. I know what I want and I know I want to save even more. I've always been content with little. I don't need stuff to make me happy. But I do thoroughly enjoy it when I do have it. I don't throw money away, but nor do I hoard it.

But last summer I grew up a lot, I had a lot of responsibility at my job. I matured a lot last summer. It's not like I wasn't mature, because people have always told me I'm mature for my age (ever since I was in Jr. High all the way up to now). Actually lots of events in my life have caused me to see beyond the normal high school sphere of vision. I can't even explain to you what I mean. But I've changed. Not so drastically where all my friends would have noticed. But I really have. I've gained so much responsibility, insight, knowledge, lessons learned, etc. My field of vision in life has been widened. When you taste something good, you want more. I can't wait to grow up and experience all the [good] things this life has to offer. I don't want to waste my life.

I've changed outwardly too. I used to be a blond haired hollister wearing girl. Can you even imagine? Now I have short red hair and I really wear whatever I feel like wearing. Indie, emo, scene, I've heard it all. I wear what I like, if it's "in", fabulous, if it's random and out there, wonderful. I'm the queen of shoes and I love them. I like to change things up. Following each new trend is not only annoying, it's expensive. No thanks. I've had countless people not even recognize me when they first see me. It's actually pretty funny. I've changed so much.

This week, my spring break, I'm not even relaxing. I've worked yesterday and today and I'm working Thursday. Work work work. That way I can have fun with the cash I make. Not all of it of course. ;].

I'm really exhausted from the days work. American Idol is on tonight and I can't wait :]. Then I have a million movies I bought this weekend I want to watch. A Hollywood Video is closing down near my house so all the movies are $3 and under. Not too bad for movies that are $15 $20 in stores. I also bought the entire LOST Season 2 on Dvd! Now I just need season 3.

Anyways. Today was really mundane. This week has been so monotonous. Tomorrow should be fun though. Hopefully.

Nickel Creek

Nickel Creek is one of my favorite bands.

Just a few lines from different songs I like.

Jealous of the Moon

Drag your pretty head around
wearin' you're gonna drown
With a beautiful sigh
And a river of lies

Starin' down the stars
Jealous of the moon
You wish you could fly
Just stayin' where you are
There's nothin' you can do
If you're too scared to try

Doubting Thomas

What will be left when I've drawn my last breath
Besides the folks I've met and the folks who've known me
Will I discover a soul-saving love
Or just the dirt above and below me

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face
Then I beg to be spared cause I'm a coward
If there's a master of death
I bet he's holding his breath
As I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power

Best of Luck

She'll try as hard as she can
But he'll know it isn't good enough and won't ever be
So she'll have to start hiding how she feels though she loves him and he knows it
Still his hands are tied even if he wants to help her

Don't touch, don't look, don't think, best of luck

Why Should the Fire Die?

You're shining still behind the clouds
Saying I won't figure you out
I like it true, but let me try
And try and try for the rest of my life

I'm not scared of being alone
I'm not scared of being alone, being alone

I'm just happier being confused
Beside the fire, as long as it's with you

Tomorrow is a Long Time

If today was not an endless highway
If tonight was not a crooked trail
If tomorrow wasn't such a long time
Then lonesome would mean nothing to me at all

Yes, and only if my own true love was waiting
If I could hear his heart softly pounding
Yes, and only if he was lying by me

Hanging By a Thread

There's a certain kind of pain that can numb you
There's a type of freedom that can tie you down
Sometimes the unexplained can define you
And sometimes the silence is the only sound

Beauty and the Mess

I pull myself under and down I go again
it's just a little bit hard letting them in
looking at the world through elusive eyes
I hide in the spotlight it's a great disguise

Reasons Why

We get distracted by dreams of our own
But nobody's happy while feeling alone
And knowing how hard it hurts when we fall
We lean another ladder against the wrong wall

And climb high to the highest rung, to shake fists at the sky
While others have excuses, I have my reasons why

With so much deception it's hard not to wander away

This Side

One day you'll see her and you'll know what I mean.
Take her or leave her she will still be the same.
She'll not try to buy you with her time.
But nothing's the same, as you will see when she's gone.


You dream of colors that have never been made,
You imagine songs that have never been played.
They will try to buy you and your mind.
Only the curious have something to find.

I love all those songs, and I love this band. It's so depressing that they broke up. And actually, their songs all have a sort of sweetly sad tone to them. They aren't all upbeat and happy. A nice depressing little air about them. I love the harmonies, I think that's a big part of why I love this band. I never really listen to stuff like this... then I heard Helena by them. Bliss! It's like a bitter sweet bliss when listening/reading the lyrics. Anguish. You know? Sometimes I get in a mood where they are perfect to listen to.

This is where one of my favorite phrases came from. "Will I discover a soul saving love?" :]

Tell Me

I sat outside reading today( or yesterday?). The wind was monstrous, yet calming. It whipped my hair up every which way and it made me smile. The subtle strength of the wind is breath taking. When sitting and the wind is blowing all around you, you don't really grasp it's power. I sat looking at the trees swaying back and forth. Trees! These huge towering giants with roots just as deep.. swaying from the wind. Unbelievable. I quickly realized I had stopped reading because I was so utterly transfixed by the wind. I love sitting out under the tree in my front yard reading. Spring has such nice weather. Why am I talking about trees? Because sleep escapes me. I can't understand it. I stayed up late all weekend, I got barely any sleep, I didn't even take a nap (yes I love naps!)... yet sleep evades me. I should be exhausted and falling out of my chair right now. I have to work 8 hours tomorrow! Yet I'm as awake as ever. Thoughts. I think and with my mind processing so much I find it hard to sleep. My poor body. So I wrote a poem then came down here on the computer. It's kind of a dark depressing poem. I don't know why I write those kind. Utterly depressing sad story like poems... you'd think I was emo or depressed. Nope. I find beauty in tragedies. One of my favorite movies is a tragic love story. I'll share with you a short verse I wrote (not a dark sad one... lol). I decided to look at myself and write. So these few lines were put into written form to try and smack some sense into this little body of mine. It's usually all to no avail. I should listen to my own advice... my intuition is usually right, yet I always take advice from others. Why? I don't want to be the one to blame when things run amuck. To take a step of faith, I falter and I fail. It's so much easier to say, "Well they told me to!". I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've followed the advice of friends only to have situations go severely wrong from their poor advice. Intuition is the key. Intuition I now follow. Enjoy. (Why must I squander my youth with such pessimistic falsehoods? Or perhaps pessimistic realities?)

Tell Me

Let's fall in love tonight.
With the sound of the wind,
and the smell of the air.
Would you take one's hand and fall in love?
Or squander your youth on pessimism?
Tell me love, what's so wrong with falling in love tonight?

List

So I found this today :] I wrote it close to three months ago. I love lists. I thought I'd share it to you all here. Who is the "he"? That's for me to know and you to wonder about. (It's one of those a little bit embarrassing things. So We'll leave his name out. Not that he would ever read this or anything.)

Let's make a list:

1. I won't ever date him.

2. He won't ever see past this hiccup.

3. I don't even know if we'll ever be best friends again.

4. Never say forever because that dissolves faster than you say "Wait, what?"

5. I have a feeling all my friends at Houston Northwest will get along just fine with out me.

6. I was there for a season, a season of great joy. But seasons change.

7. I miss them all like crazy but they don't even know.

8. Although I backtrack and say I miss certain things... I still wouldn't date him anyways.

9. I don't want to date anyone right now... especially Josh (josh is not the he... he's a guy who is not the one I've been referring too... get it?). If he wants to hang out great I will. But just because he's one of the hottest guys I know doesn't mean I'll date him.

10. It's hard to go forward when the past still feels like the present but instead the present turns into the past and now we go on to the future (haha did you get that?!)

11. I can't keep I wishing so I won't.

12. We aren't friends really, but I know in random sporadic moments in time we can have some good meaningful talks. Not like we used to.

13. Once he gets a gf I'll feel much better.

14. Things are weird and my friendships are shifting. It's something I like and dislike all at once.

15. I was reading over old messages and I came across the ones between Evan and I(another different guy... geez too many guys in my life for real.). and I realized he did like me and I really did screw it up.

16. I kind of push away every guy that wants to come near me.

17. I realize that the only guy that will ever be right for me is the one who pushes back and fights for me.

18. Right now no guy fits the criteria.

19. I'm terrified of the future only because I keep looking at the past and I expect repeats. Why?

20. I have a problem with being open and honest except in dumb blogs that only limited people can see.

I look back and smile. Oh I love looking back at my thoughts. Honestly that guy, the one you don't know who I'm talking about ;], was a swell fellow. But still I wouldn't have gone back in time and dated him. Nope. I laughed when I reread 20. Toooo true. And 16 17 18 and 19 all made me stop and think. Habit. Push them away and no hurt. Good philosophy, if you want to be alone forever. I sure don't. But honestly I've yet to find a guy who I like that fits the criteria. What is the criteria? Look at 17. That's just a faint whisper of the real criteria. Guys, as macho as they are, lack in the really good qualities. Real men are hard to come by. I know I joke about guys having big egos and I put them in their place... but I really don't mean it like that. There's a difference between having an inflated ego and macho attitude and being a real man. Not to mention 9 is entirely wrong now haha. Then yes, now no. Yes, I turn guys down, but that doesn't mean I don't want to. It means the one I want to hasn't come along yet.

I love lists. They are quite excellent. I enjoyed reading this one and laughing at myself then thinking about other things.

Off/Weird Week

Hello blogging world. I'm sorry I've been away these few days. Are you ready for the next dose of Leah-ness? I bet not. I've had a very off/weird week. It started on Monday really, I'll bore you with a few details. Let's just say some heavy allegations were poured onto me like a searing hot iron burning it's contents into my skull to completely devastate me. Of course I'll never let anyone around me actually know that. The allegations and the accuser will remain unnamed. I have a bad habit of storing emotions inside me. Both the good and bad. The words of this person pierced so deeply... and it hurt. Did I cry? Of course not, that wouldn't solve anything. Did I try and defend myself? Of course not, why would they listen after saying such harsh things? Defending yourself ardently, in certain situations, makes you look guilty. Which I'm not of anything this person said. My first reaction was anger. How dare someone claim to know the inner thoughts of my heart and head? Apparently they know me better than I know myself. So anger, then frustration. It frustrated me that the person would even say such things. So we have anger, then frustration, then annoyance. People who claim to know my personal deep thoughts... really annoy me. You don't know me as well as you think people. So anger, frustration, annoyance, and then came hurt. Why did the hurt come last? Because I hate letting people get to me. I don't hold grudges and I get over things in a heartbeat. But this... it hurt a lot. It boggled my mind that such accusations were set against me. I wondered to myself, am I really portraying myself like that to them?! I need to work on that, not because I want to strive to change their opinion of me... because it's only an opinion, but if one person can peg me to be someone who I am so opposite of... it makes me wonder what others think? So that started off the week terribly. Not to mention I worked 8 hours Monday. Fun stuff.

Then Tuesday rolls around. I really really hate turning guys down... I do it in a heartbeat without remorse, but still it's unpleasant. So I didn't... when I was asked to prom. (YAY!!!... that'd be sarcasm). It's not that I have anything against the guy, it's more the fact that I know he likes me and prom is usually "romantic" and "unforgettable" etc. I'd rather not waste such a wonderful night with someone I don't like, with a group of people I don't even know, and go when I'm not even excited about it. To be completely honest I'd much rather spend a night doing something fun with a guy I really liked, perhaps get coffee(himmmm not me, I'd get tea!) then go to a bookstore, buy each other our favorite books, go do something completely unplanned and spontaneous... a million times more than go to prom with a guy I didn't like with a group of people I don't know. Crazy? Maybe. So that was just blah. I have to give the guy props though, he knows I love poetry... and he hates it. (Hello first reason to never date a guy.. he hates it. Lame). But he wrote me a (really cheesy) poem asking me. He went way out of his comfort zone to try and impress me. Even though I don't like him, it really was impressive. But still, that's not enough. No spark, no excitement, no nothing. Just friends.

So Wednesday arrives and it was utterly painful. My science class was absolutely completely ridiculously hard. I was lost. But my friend Drew and I texted the whole time and it made it less painful. Haha he sits next to me :]. My teacher got really mad when we would talk, hence the texting. I honestly don't even remember what I did after class. The whole day was a blur. I know I did something Wednesday night, it wasn't church though. I was really irritated that I couldn't go to church. I like church. It's nice to be around (mostly) like minded people. Even if some are complete liars and fakes, the good genuine ones make it worth it.

Thursday came and it was wonderful. I love Thursdays. My teacher is one of my favorite people in the world. We didn't even do any "class" work. We watched an operetta called Pirates of Penzance by Gilbert and Sullivan. It's really amazing how incredibly talented all of the actors/actresses were. They danced, sang, and could actually act. This was made in the older days of course, my teacher thinks movies and acting have gone down hill. Then I had the afternoon to myself. I had a car and money to spend. Beautiful. I first went to Barnes and Noble (which is one of the most amazing places on the planet). I had a couple giftcards I had never used that I received on my birthday (months and months ago). I just haven't had an opportunity to go and browse without the hovering eyes of my parents. They get a bit stringent about... well everything. So I was free from their prying eyes. I ended up getting a "Christian" book. Still, it was nice to drive myself. I also bought my friend a book for his birthday. One of my absolute favorites. It gets weird at parts, but I overlook it because it get really funny at parts. I laughed out loud... while in church during a band practice every few pages... people kept giving me weird looks and asked me what I was reading. I would reply, "Umm.. this is church, I really highly doubt recommending this book to you would be a good idea." Yeah, not a good book to tell your completely innocent goody goody friends to read. I'm sorry. :P. Then I went to walmart to pick up a few things. Then I went shopping. That was fun. I went to Target (cheap and cute. Excellent) then this really cute small store called LA Fashion. I bought a dress that was half off. I sure love those sales. I'm not big on throwing money away haha. That night, nearly could have wrecked it. I tried calling that guy to tell him I couldn't go (ahh I felt completely terrible, I really did). But he didn't answer thank goodness. It felt weird calling him, why? I never call guys. Not even my best guy friend whose like a brother. Yes for homework and directions and such, but not just to chat. It's not that I don't like using the phone, because I LOVE talking to guys on the phone. They can just call me if they ever so please. I broke my "rule" of never calling guys once... it wasn't a disaster at all, in fact it was quite nice and we talked for hours. But even so, after that I decided I really really don't want to call guys first ever. Maybe it's old fashioned, but I'm okay with that. I have plenty of friends who would disagree, but I suppose that's what makes me different from them. Texting however is not as big of a deal. I'll text guys first every so often. Really I do keep my rule, this one guy I liked, and he liked mee (haha so over like a year ago) called me almost every night. I think of that few month span I called him only a couple times. I just don't prefer to be doing the calling. I guess it's exercising patience, because it really drives me insane. It's like they say on Star Wars, "Patience my young padawan." The price I pay for holding on to what I believe ;] I think it simplifies things so much for me. If I called guys I didn't like and were just friends... it might send the wrong signs, or if I called guys I did like that'd be me initiating, (No thanks!). Then of course there's the whole mixed signals thing. Ew. So boys can call me, and I like it that way. Sometimes boys are more fun to talk to than girls. But I think I intimidate some? Which cracks me up. I am sooo not intimidating in the least! Why in the world would I be intimidating?! Seriously I do not understand it. I'm not even kidding. Amber has tried to explain it to me but I really don't see how I would be intimidating. Maybe a little, but no more than the next girl. Oh well their loss not mine! So no, I do not call boys, thanks for wondering. But no.

Then Friday rolls around and I think I was home about a total of 2 (coherent waking) hours that day. I worked 6 hours, then went to a party because my old teacher was on Jeopardy. She won $19,000 and will be back on Monday. (3:30! Watch for the returning champ!). Then I rush home and pack my bags. I was off to my friend's house for the night. I had a blast. We went to the mall and shopped for a green shirt for her. We found a greaat one. Then we walked over and to the movie theater and saw Step Up 2. I loved it. We were disgusted by all the little slutty Jr. High girls. Honestly it's sickening and sad. They wore their ugg boots with sophie shorts riding up their butts. Gross. I don't understand why girls like to walk around half naked. Desperate much? I try and be modest, for multiple reasons not just one, but sometimes it all seems pointless when I'm 1 out of 20 who strives for modesty. Honestly is it even worth it? Perhaps not, perhaps so, but I really don't care what every one else thinks or is doing. It gets better, that guy called me back. Terrible terrible. I tell him as nice as I can I can't go (Oh yeahh.. My parents said I can't go... etc). Well he was cool about it, thankfully. But he said he'll call me when he gets home from vacation on spring break. Either he comprehends I want a platonic just friends friendship, or he still likes me. Who knows these things? Certainly not I. We then head home and crack each other up and talk for hours late into the night. Classic girl night if I ever heard one. Mall, movies, and a marvelously long chat. She's basically my twin and I finished her thoughts the whole night. It was so weird, but in a good way. Yet it was really annoying, I usually pack light when going somewhere... but I was going to a party Saturday so I haaad to bring all the extra junk and extra clothes. Boo. ;]. We slept in then traveled to Walmart to go print a picture of her and the guy whose party we were going to, (It's honestly one of the cutest pictures in the entire world!) They're like brother and sister and it's so sweet. Our other friend came over and we were hanging out before. Since the two of them are best friends with the guy we went over early to help his mom out with decorating and anything else. I'll spare you the details... I know I can drone on and on. Well the guy ends up being totally surprised! He jumps up and backward. A multitude of girls swarm him haha. I just kind of stood back letting them all trample him. No need to bombard the guy, besides they all know him a lot better than I do. Oh and my friend Danny sings and plays every instrument known to man and he was by the piano so I rushed over to listen to him. We were talking and he asked if I played anything. At first I didn't want to play anything so I was like ummm yeaah and walked away haha. I was drawn back the beautiful sounds of the piano soon enough. Then I sat down and he got me to play. I played a song called I Wasn't Prepared For This by Eisley. Oh if I could only play that instrument with such ease and grace as the others around me did. Beautiful. The cold smooth ivory keys slid beneath my fingers and it was electrifying. I'm going to throw more passion into my lessons from now on! To play! Ah, a dream I have. But singing, it's what I'm better at. Hopefully a lot better haha. It was kind of awkward when everyone was around, it's not that I have a problem playing in front of people. I've been on a big stage before. It's just at a party it felt weird to have attention on me. It was really a neat experience. Carlos and Caleb were on both sides me of playing along (The ones who were soo much better at playing piano.) When I finished I received the best compliment of the night from Carlos, or so I thought. He told me that if I kept singing I was going to make him cry! I was like aww oh my gosh! But no, he was outdone. Daniel (who the party was for) walks up and told I sang like an angel (or something to that effect). He wins for the best compliment of the night, possibly ever about my singing. Two sweet compliments back to back. Honestly I thought I did terrible. I played it so much better at Michelle's house. Sometimes a boy can just say the sweetest things that make me smile and I get embarrassed. It catches me off guard. I think when someone says something nice about my singing it means so much more than if they told me I was pretty or something about my outward appearance. All in all it was a really fun night. I had a really good time. Hopefully he did too, I mean his mom was so excited about it. It was so cute! She worked so hard to make it special. She was pretty excited about all the girls that were over too. At one point when Grace and Michelle and I were decorating our friend Andrew saw a spider and reaches up to squish it with his bare hands... ew! I hate spiders! We all scream and it's so high pitched! I think it was a very very foreign sound to the guys of the house hahaha :].

By the time I arrived home I was exhausted from the weekend. But of course I couldn't fall asleep for hours. It had to be 2 or 3. Wonderful. So now today, Sunday, I'm really tired and I just got home from church. It was good. But I can't explain it... I felt estranged from it all this morning. Disconnected even. The old hymns the very straight forward preaching (which is excellent don't get me wrong, truth the guest speaker spoke it). But the small old fashion vibe of it. It feels as if I'm stepping back in time there. I feel out of place with my hair clothes and makeup. I tend to dress a little out there sometimes. Not like a little southern baptist girl. I wore a dress today though. But even more than all that. Perhaps I'm terrible but church just has changed in a sense for me these past few months. I'm really exhausted of it honestly. I've been to three churches in the past year (that we stayed at... that's not even counting the ones we VISITED... oh goodness). The last one was amazing. I'm one of those people who dive in head first into everything. I love participating and helping out in any way I can. I love to be involved. I led worship at the last church. I was a youth group leader. Then the rug was pulled our from under me... again. New church, new faces. No youth group. Literally. So what am I supposed to be doing? I do nothing but sit and spout off the answers like rapid fire. Oh why does it all feel so distant to me now? I feel more at home in my own room sitting on my bed reading the word for myself and talking to my best friend/accountability partner than being at church. It's so strange.

This has to be the most random of all posts. You know I was thinking about how completely pointless this blog is. It really is. But I'm ok with that. I write and put stuff in here for me. Not so others can see it. I like going back and reading what I was thinking that day.

Oh and remember how I said in the last post I was something to happen to make me smile? Well something did! :] But I won't tell you what. Because secrets make life more interesting! Actually one thing that made me smile was seeing Step Up 2, the guy is completely gorgeous. But he's fake. Just a character, an actor. One of these days a real life guy will come along. One of these days.

So to sum up my week of weirdness/off-ness it was a terribly great week. Terrible the first half, great the second half. Let's see how this week goes. I'll be working a lot, so who knows. Maybe something fun and unexpected will happen to make me smile :]. Until next time... and I promise the next one will be shorter ;]

Ego Smasher

I think yesterday the worst thing that could have happened... didn't.

But it still was terrible! I really haven't had time to write lately. Forgive me. I wish I could tell this story in depth, from my horrified expression I masked so well... to the awkward silence... all the way down to my shooing him away.

I really have no problem turning down guys. It's a game almost. Call me terrible, because when it comes to guys that's what I am. It starts out with subtles, then it moves on to hints. If they don't catch either it moves on to my speech of how I hate the male population. Then even if they are persistent through all of those... I can at least say I admire them for daring to continue on. Then if all else fails and they still do not understand I'm not interested, then comes the ego smashing. I let them know, look I don't like you and no I don't want to go on a date nor do I want to be your girlfriend. I'm honest. I always feel a little bad (I guess I'm still at least a little human). But a lot of guys have huge egos and they don't expect a no. Wake up and smell the roses people, I don't just date anyone. Good morning, now go back to sleep. Perhaps your thoughts are wandering and wonder about how I can just so flippantly not care. Because in high school with these macho male jerks who think they can get away with whatever they want... it's all I can do. I refuse to just date based on shallow reasons. There are plenty of times, based purely on physical attraction I wanted to say yes. But alas, I require more in a fellow. Interest, common interest that is. I'm waiting for a guy worth it.

That being said, I really can quite easily turn guys down. Yet I couldn't manage it yesterday. Why? I do have a soft spot. I'm not a monster! ;]. It wasn't just a date. And I didn't say yes. I was asked to prom. You can't just say no outright to a senior guy who thought of a creative sweet way to ask you. That's just mean. I know I'm mean to guys... but still. So I gave him an "I'll have to think about it." It's really a hilarious story. You would laugh... if I had time to write about it here. Alas I don't. I'll tell you some other time.

And I can't forget the great conversation I shared with my friend Michelle. Honestly I can't figure it out, and neither can she. This is my question for the world I want answered: Why do the wrong guys always ask the right things, and the right guys never do a thing? Please, humor me, does anyone have an answer? I'm a walking example of Murphy's law. I really am. Sometimes after such a downer day I really want something good to happen to just make me smile. Is that too much to ask? Apparently so. Thanks wrong guys, at least you give it a shot. No thanks to the right guys... you guys just drive me insane!

Until then, adieu.

Thoughts of the day

Today was great. Not in the normal fashion where anything particularly exciting happened, but a different kind of great. I went to work. How is that great? The money. I've been low on cash. My boss from the summer has been swamped with her growing business and called and asked if I could work for her. 8 hours. I got a taste of the summer ahead. Last summer, and this summer will repeat last summer, I worked 40 hour weeks. Full time job. I feel so old. But to ease back into the working field I'm going to start working part time until summer. Which is nice because now that I drive I'll need gas money... and since my cash flow is relatively low right now, I need money haha.

It's actually very monotonous all day. My job is nothing spectacular, it's rather dull and mundane, boring even. But I get good hours, good pay, and I like the people I work with. I don't work with anyone my age though, so that's a bummer. But honestly, it's kind of nice, I'm glad there are no guys my age there. Then I might actually have to worry about looking decent. Which we don't have uniforms or anything so I can wear comfy clothes. Ew, boys. Ha. I have some friends who go on about the "hot" guys they flirt with at work. Umm.. isn't the point of a job to work? Not flirt? Sure I get really sick of my job at times, but I enjoy not having any distractions of any sort. And since it's easy as pie I find my concentration wandering quite often. It's the best time to think. I'm standing there doing the same thing over and over... and my mind is free to soar. Sometimes that's a terrible thing, sometimes it's amazing. But today I thought about a lot of things. One thing in particular that really drove me nuts, it was dominating my thoughts and refusing to leave me alone. So I thought, and thought and thought some more. I really shouldn't have done that. Now I've driven myself mad with possibilities and what if's that now... all I can do is think more. Which I know it's stupid to think so much about it, especially since it's a ridiculous thing to pour so much energy into going over every last detail. I do this. I think about things too much. Bad habit. I wrote some last night trying to wade through such thoughts but it only made my thoughts even more muddled. Great. What am I even talking about?! I bet you're completely lost. My bad.

Oh and yesterday, I had never been so happy to have my phone taken away! That guy texted me and asked me to go get a smoothie with him. Um... how about not? So I couldn't text him and I was like THANK YOU GOD! Which is so mean. But I'm sorry the guy just won't quit bugging me nor will he take any hint I've dropped. It's on the verge of me seriously being annoyed at him. Ok, annoyed to the point where I really will stop texting him back. I just feel terrible not texting guys back. The second I even think a guy might like me it really rubs me the wrong way. It's like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. Once they realize I have no desire to date them, well they leave. Thanks fellows! I'm not a big fan of being the center of attention. Sure sometimes it's nice, but generally.. ehh. But guys who don't like me I'm fine with. I'll flirt with them! Like Saturday was so fun. I met up with Zach and Erin at my old church to watch the flag football championship bowl game. My old bible study house was playing(and they won!). My friends Matt and Josh were there too. Haha Erin just rolled her eyes when I hung out with them. Matt's a flirt, I'm a flirt. Enough said. When they went to go get icecream she told me that Matt is shallow and Josh is a jerk. I said, whaat! I love them! They're so nice. And she merely rolled her eyes and said nice to the pretty girls. Oh, ha.. yeah it didn't even dawn on me. I so do not think that way. So guys who don't like me= ok! Guys who do like me= not ok! The only exception ever is when I like a guy. Which of course murphy's law comes into effect here. Any time I like a guy it automatically means he doesn't like me. Sucks for me! Anyways I was thinking about that all day at work on top of the other really big annoying thoughts.

This job will be the death of my poor little brain.

I didn't even get started on everything else I was thinking about, oh goodness!

But yes, I'm terrible, I'm so glad I didn't have my phone yesterday. But I have it back now. So everything worked out juuuust fine.

I can't wait for spring break next week! :]

Savage Solutions

Have you ever had a very realistic dream? One you thought was completely real and then you woke up disappointed because you realized it was only a dream? That's what happened to me last night. Then I woke up and basically the opposite happened. Sigh. My life. This is why I love to dream, dreams get you through the night and help you out through the next day until the next blissful dream. But don't get me wrong, life is swell in general, but those nights you have the fantastically perfect dreams... I love those nights.

Well I actually fell asleep past 4 last night. Two of my sisters and 5 of their friends came home. I was out hanging out with friends (drivinggg myself I might add!... I get pretty excited about that) so I missed them at first. Well when I arrive home they all slowly trickled in. A lot of them took different cars. They all left to go to South Padre this morning for spring break. So when I got home I hung out with my sister and her roommate. I had been watching American Idol for a while. Then 'Stina, Hannah's roommate, and I started chatting. Apparently last time she came over she heard me singing. Ha, I never know what to say when people talk about my singing, I'm like erm, thanks? I'm not modest, I just honestly don't think I'm anything spectacular. Sure, I have a good voice. But with the talent out there, ah I feel so insignificant. So we're talking about American Idol and how I should try out. Haha, I used to tell people all the time I would try out, I just don't think I'm ready for something like that, and plus I really want to go to college and experience that. Then I go and look for my book to read, but I couldn't find it! After cleaning my room spotless for my sister and her friends to sleep in, I lost about half of everything. 20 minutes later I found it. Then I read. Then I stopped and hung out with my sister more. Then I got on the computer. Then I hung out with my other sister, then I read some more. I finally finished it. It's one of those books you have to take in doses.

Liberalism is a Mental Disorder(Savage Solutions) written by Michael Savage.

I think everyone MUST read this. To have the truth spoken so... well honestly, is kind of a shock to your system at first. This book is not for the faint of heart. It tells you the naked NON-politically correct truth. He's brutal, blunt, and tells it like it is. I love it. I hate sugar coated crap and politically correct junk. He writes it in a way that is fascinating and definitely not boring. I enjoyed reading it, not because it was a happy story where every danced around holding hands singing the national anthem, but instead I enjoyed it because it was refreshing to get a dose of reality. It's not an "enjoyable" book in the sense you'll love it for it's storyline, it's just truth. Those leftist liberals are tearing our country apart. I love it even more because he won't shy away from telling you even when the republicans screw up. He talks about Bush's short comings. This book is a couple years old, so it's not in depth about his screwiness, but still. He knows his politics, he knows what's going on. Whether you agree with his opinions or not, you can't deny this book is great. So all of you, this seriously is a must read!

And like I said in the previous post, three new favorite words came from this book: sheeple, demicans, and republicrats. Haha. Genius.

Go to the library and see if they have it. If not go buy it. If they crappy book store doesn't have it, order it online! I'm not kidding. He has two other best sellers that I really want to read. But since I'm low on cash I have to wait till I start working again, which may be as soon as next week (not tomorrow but the week after). If all goes well.

So what book is up next? Hmm, I think I'll read Factotum by Charles Bukowski. My friend Evan recommended it to me last summer. I bought it a couple months ago, I just haven't read it yet. He has strange taste in books. But good, none the less. I read Catch 22 , which is excellent and I love the whole idea of the book, you should go read that too. Although it has some questionable content... I think it's worth overlooking it. Sure it talks about whores and drinking, but catch 22... the idea and the story, it really is nothing but pure genius imagination to think up such a creative idea. This book is where catch 22 originated from. Also the Great Gatsby, which is a classic and I also really liked it. I've got some good quotes from those two books. Thanks Evan. Haha. Of course my parents would probably die of a heart attack if they knew i was reading books that weren't Chriiiisttiiiaaann or the Biiiiible. I'm sorry I have secular tastes and I admire the writings of great authors who may or may not have the same beliefs you do. My dad told me once that I don't need to bother reading anything else but the bible and certain Christian books, why? Because he said if you focus intently on the truth then you'll be able to understand evil. No need to put filth in your mind. I disagree. I don't think there's anything wrong with reading anything non-Christian, while I thoroughly enjoy certain Christian authors, I also enjoy everything else. My parents and I differ on things, but I'm smart enough to keep my trap shut and not antagonize them. Why add fuel to the fire? Until I graduate, basically my opinions are worthless to them and they can slap everything everything I have to say back to hell where it apparently came from. They're the parents, what they say goes. So until next year, I'll continue to hold my own thoughts and I just won't express them.

So yes. Factotum is up next week! I really have no idea what to think about this book. I'll let you know next week :]

Sorry/Tale/Driving

Ok due to a change in events of the night, I haven't finished the book. Terrible way to start, eh? I will finish it tomorrow morning, possibly tonight. Here's a peak into why I love this book so much. Three new favorite words originated from it: Sheeple, Demican, and Republicrat. Haha. I love it. I'll leave you with a funny story though.

I'm a terribly mean girl who has way to much fun making boys squirm. It's a bad habit, what can I say? :]

So my friend called me today and told me a tale about a wonderful week that went horrendously wrong on the last day. Her boyfriend goes to college a few states away, so they never get to see each other. Once every few months, if they're lucky. The last day they have together he turns into Mr. Jerk, talk about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde! He was such a greeeat boyfriend all week, then Friday he turns into a douche. So she asked me to send him a mean text (And of course, I am the perfect candidate!) It's all apart of how I get to know guys and I decipher what to say to hit them the hardest, with words, I'm excellent at this.

What did I say? "Wow, I love how --- always goes on about what an amazing bf you are.. Then I hear about such a harsh rude insensitive jerk you were this Friday. Congrats you win for being the biggest douche this weekend! Any remarks upon gaining such an honor? Jerk."

He gets really defensive and upset when I talk about how he makes her upset. It's the worst thing in the world, he never wants me to point out when he was a jerk and made her cry. So I hit him where it hurt. I really am a terrible person, I find it amusing and quite fun/hilarious to be so mean. It's not as if I walk around thinking of mean things to do and say to all guys... I'm just mean to the ones who deserve it. The ones who hurt girls. Jerks. You know. So anyways, I'm evil, what can I say?

Oh and I love driving at night. Being a girl, it's a bit eerie driving down the long two way stretches with barely any businesses. The lights every where illuminate so much brighter in the darkness. It's like a dream. I love the eeriness though. I love the feeling it brings. Of course I drive the speed limit and follow all the laws down the letter, I'm not a rebel or anything. But to drive at night, to hear nothing but the sound of passing cars, to hear the wind whipping all around the car, beautiful. I love being the only car on the road too. It's invigorating really, to have this huge mass of metal under me, under my control. To slowly gain momentum, to feel the power surging from the wheel into your finger tips all the way down to your toes. These massive beasts of a vehicle can do so much damage, and yet to safely drive them is awesome. I love driving without having my mom constantly criticizing me and telling me things I already know to do. I get lost in the moment, the drive. I get in the zone. Reality escapes me, it's just me and the road, I can drive all night and forget life for a short period of time. Silence is the only sound (My parents have a rule of no music for the first couple months driving). To know I can legally go grab the keys and hit the road, freeing. As you can tell, I love to drive.

Goodnight all.

8 Dead, but did you know?

Quick post. I'll do my book experiment update later tonight.

I just have to say how incredibly disturbed I am! For starters our media is crap. Let's report on rapes thefts and politics, but it's not even the whole unaltered truth. "Local won lottery but vows to stay simple." What the crap?! That's the kind of garbage we get reports on. What about the world news. Stuff that might affect us and we don't know it?

Palestinian Terrorists for starters.

If you turned on the news you never would have known about that. We're too babied by our news channels. You might think twice about our national security knowing there are crazies out there willing to kill on a whim like that. These people have easy access into our country, but does Bush care? NO! Our borders are like wide open swinging gates for the masses to come and steal our healthcare welfare and drain our economy. It's easier for illegals to get into public school than it would be for ME a CITIZEN homeschooler to transfer over to the public education system. But Bush, he seriously turned out to be the lesser of two evils. No way would I have rathered Kerry be in office now. Bush, as great as he started, took a nose dive into fallacy. I'm sure he kept SOME things at bay that Kerry wouldn't have. But even the war on terrorism, the war in Iraq, I believe he let us down tremendously.

So yeah, did you know about the 8 dead in Jerusalem? Thank our media for that, they're two busy squabbling over Obama and Hillary. Pure disgust on my end.

Sigh

Sigh.

That's not a happy content sigh, it's a sad why sigh. Sometimes words don't come, but the sighs do. Tonight is a night of sighs. Oh I'll waste the night in wakeful sighs. Sometimes things in life you can't understand, you try and try but it's all to no avail. Darling, will every night always be like this one? Sweetly sad, sadly sweet. Paste on a smile, wait for a better day to come in the morning. You'll be just fine, just keep telling yourself. Life moves forward whether we're ready for it or not. This feeling, the feeling of the night... I can't explain it. All I can do is sigh. A sigh full of wonderings. Will someone please come along and tell me that night's like this are bound to come, and it's ok it'll all be alright? No one ever does come. Those who do just leave. Yield or fight? Fight or yield? Let the sigh overcome all emotion. Let the night be wasted, just this once. Wait wait wait. Wait for the morning to come darling. No reason for tears, no reason for smiles, so why this sudden urge to burst in to tears then laugh the night away? Fight it, push it, embrace it, or allow it? Which should I do? If you knew my dear, if you knew what I was talking about perhaps you could help. But you don't. Will you ever know? Breathe, just breathe. Inhale, exhale, sigh. Let loose, hold back, follow your heart, hate your heart. The heart is desperately wicked, who can know it? Sit here, wait there, don't let another word escape these fingertips. What is going through my mind tonight? If I wanted you to know, I'd tell you. I will be vague this night. Vaguely clear, vaguely vague. Sigh.

"Church" Issue

You know, I'm really really sick and tired of playing church "hop scotch". That's just what I call it. What do I mean? Ever since The Met was handed over to the lying dogs who chose to muddy the church name, we've been searching for a church. We've been to a couple churches. Of course the only one my dad has liked is the really small old fashioned baptist church. I think it's because it's "safe". Safe meaning the mega churches with their big plans that don't include God and their million dollar budgets haven't fully soaked into this church. I still am not a big fan of this church.

I think it's just church in general. The way my parents are, the things they do, the things they say, it just makes me grow sick and tired of it. Americanized Christianity makes me sick. I know a lot of people who crack Osteen jokes, "God wants to bless you," and they say it in the sweet melodic soft toned voice of his. Sickening. Sure he's a good man, but he doesn't preach truth. God wants to bless you, biggest lie of our time. Jesus said it's a hard road, look at the apostles. God does bless, but he does it when he wants and when it's a part of his plan... and he blesses those who obey him. Yeah, I look around and it's a far cry from people obeying him. Let's all pray to God Sundays and Wednesdays, but when you're in school, around your friends, at work, Jesus who? Let's make dirty jokes, use profanity, lie, cheat, and hate. We have great morals, don't you think? I think what gets me is the hypocrites. It's all a big joke. "Pray and ask Jesus into you heart," is yet another crazy notion. It doesn't say that in the bible. There is this great guy, Paul Washer, who is phenomenal. If there was a church with a guy like him any where near where I lived, I'd go in a heart beat. Speak truth. I'm sick of Christianity. Not as in I'm sick of Christ, because I know there are born again truly saved believers, but sick of the liars, the fakes.

Many preachers are lying filthy sons of motherless dogs. Yep, I said it. Liars. It's about the money, it's about the numbers, it's about anything but glorifying the name of Christ. Spiritually, our country is in a detrimental state. Do you see the wolves in sheep's clothing all around? Point a gun to someone's head and tell them they have 5 seconds to denounce Christ or die, in our country, how many do you think would denounce him? We're blindsided by our "American Dream". We've got material wealth up to our ears. We are so blind and we don't even know it.

Maybe that's why I have such an issue with church. I can't explain it. But I think I ticked my dad off last night when I told him I don't know if I'll even go to church when I'm in college. He was like yes you will! And I was thinking, and whose going to make me? You? Ha. The man thinks he can control my future. I'd rather read the unadultered truth for myself than have someone else give me his/her version of what they read and what it meant to them. Don't get me wrong, sometimes people have good things to say... but with my dad breathing down my neck to continually be wise and be able to discern who the "seekers" are... I'm getting a bit tired of always back tracking and wondering who is lying to me today in church. Hassle.

Maybe I'm a terrible person. Maybe I'm a doubting Thomas. Maybe I'm sick of falsified doctrines. Maybe even with all my parents teachings (more like parrot like repeatings from when I was young) I still don't buy it all. Maybe it's my dad because he has this high and mighty persona about him. In a spiritually dead country... it's really really pressing upon my mind. Maybe I'm just sick of lies. Truth anyone? Feed me, but if I question what you're handing me.. oh no that's not allowed. You think my pessimism is just rooted towards guys, nope. It's not that I doubt Christ and what he did for me, I doubt his so called body. I think we'll be surprised who's going to be in heaven and who isn't. I don't even hold all my parents personal beliefs, I think that really bothers them. But my little sister, she takes everything they say as the ultimate source of factual holy truth. She spouts off what they say in a parrot-like mimic-y way that drives me up the wall. I constantly ask her why she says something and she never knows what to say, I am always telling her to get her facts and find out why she believes something before she starts to announce it to anyone who will listen. Find out why, she only half listens to me. As for me? Sorry folks, I'll seek it out myself.

I'm not sorry, I do doubt. I doubt the foundations of our church. Not the ultimate foundation, Christ. I'm sick of this facade most churches have. I'm sick of playing the church charade. I can spout of every church-y answer there is. We were watching home videos the other day and it had to be when I was about 4 or 5. My brother was about 6 then, and my two little sisters were in it too (2 and 3). My mom is chasing us with the camera and asking us questions, how's our day? What are we doing? Who holds the earth? Who made you? What? She always implanted in our heads Christian truths. Good truths. I didn't want to say anything, but my sister Hannah did. She said, "Wow mom you really brain washed us good when we were little." Hmm. Parrot like teachings. Christian beliefs are good, but it's ultimately a choice. My sister Dinah grew up pretending, doubting. She didn't even confess her sins and profess Christ as her Lord and Saviour until the second time she had cancer. Not first, not even when facing a death scare. She was healed... in remission, then she went to the hospital and believed in Christ before the results even came back saying she had cancer again. Even growing up in a Christianized environment. Crazy.

But really, I'm sick of church. Americanized Christianity. Fakes. Liars. Hypocrites.

Since only a couple of you read this, and you won't know who I'm referring to, ok well maybe Amber, I'll go ahead and say this. One of my best friends, God knows I love her, is such a hypocrite. She claims she got "saved" two years ago. Her life turned around.. at first. I'll never be one to say whether or not she's saved, but even the bible says "You'll know them by their fruits." She's a bit of a slut, literally. She says and does things I'd never in a million years ever do, even if I wasn't a "Christian." (And I hate the Christian label, here in America, the label is is a wide umbrella and they even include Mormons and Jehovah's witnesses etc etc.) How in the world can you ever claim such a title then drag it through the mud? I'm not saying I'm perfect, because I'm not.

This country, this world, these churches just sicken me. I'm just tired of the lies. Tired of the half truths. Tired of this state were in. I'm sick of smiling at church and telling them what they want to hear. I'm sick and tired, but can you blame me? Don't answer that.

And I'm happy to announce you didn't even get the full unleashing of this church stuff, because, like most of my thoughts, I still have yet to master the art of eloquently writing and saying everything that is stored up there, yearning to be free.