Amber love this is for you!

An update. You should be proud. how in depth it is I don't know.

But I will say that right now I have this calm peacefulness that has settled over my heart mind and soul. Why? Honestly nothing in my life is going fabulous but nor is it going bad. It's just average. A lull. I thought my summer would be going very differently by now, but I'm happy the way it is. In fact I love my life!

I've come to so many realizations and learned so much. I've learned more about myself. You know what's the absolute craziest thing of all? I find myself less worried about everything. Yes, everything. Money, college, school in general, job, family, life, guys, everything.

Also I feel like my eyes have been opened. Opened in a way not many people would imagine. Opened in a way I can't explain on a blog, nor do I want to.

I will say for a time I had a lack of security I have no idea why or how it settled on me, especially since I've always been secure in who I am. I was still confident and not afraid of anything, but I did waver on somethings. I just wavered in personality stuff and how people perceive me etc. For a while it loomed over me like a fatal disease, slowly draining the life from me. Then it hit me one day, I figured out WHY. I'm sorry to say I can't say why here. But once I understood it was like a switch just flipped in my life. Suddenly it went from dark to light in one instance. It was amazing. Things still aren't easy but I'm ok, better than ok, joyful even!

I've learned a lot about myself, even some not so good stuff, but in learning I learn to fix it. Sure my pride was wounded but I've gotten over that because it was stupid. I'm sure none of this makes sense, but oh well!

Amberrr/Ashh, feel free to text/call anytime if you actually want to know what the heck I'm talking about! lol!

That's all for a while.

Hello.

I barely find time to update this. Perhaps it's because I don't want to record my thoughts as of late. Why don't I? Maybe I don't want you to know my thoughts :P. Kidding. Kind of. Lot's to think about. But isn't there always?

"Firm through the fiercest drought and storm."

So true. With all my thoughts lately it's nice to put those at rest at least. Seriously it's a weight off my mind. How did I ever doubt? Why did I ever doubt? Because sometimes your faith needs to be tested. If it can't survive doubts and tests, then what kind of faith is it in the first place? Not a very good faith obviously. Maybe not even your own. It's nice to slowly ease back into normality. Honestly my faith is the center of my life and nothing will change that. Nothing can take it's place. It's firm. Many factors have lead through this time of careful thought and drought.

A quote I love is from A Walk To Remember, " It's like the wind. I can't... see it, but I feel it."

How true is that? So true. A content is escaping from me right about... now. :]

It's that feeling where you feel so light and free, nothing can bring you down. But of course something always brings you down. How grateful I am for such blessed assurance. Now to strive ahead for the goal, to keep my eyes focused. Set my sight on things above and not earthly things.

Does this all sound like lunacy? I sound crazy sometimes don't I. I'm ok with that. :]

That's all... for noww.

The Cremation of Same McGee

Today in class my teacher read the post fabulous poem aloud. Honestly it's one of my favorites and I love it. I actually had read it before today. In her class she likes to introduce us to writers who are famous and esteemed, and usually people we have never heard of. I had! Robert Service's poem is fantastic and full of talent, the art of it is stunning. Try and write a poem like this one, I dare you. It's hard. Read it, laugh, smile, be mortified, I don't care. Just read it! It is so worth it. I find free verse kind of "so-so" at times. Sure, some of it is phenomenal... but in my personal opinion rhythm and rhyme make it so much richer. Note in this poem the rhymes within the lines. "Talk of your cold! through the parka’s fold it stabbed like a driven nail." Then it rhymes in the next line at the end also. Ah!! So good! I want to write something as great as this one day.

The Cremation of Sam McGee

by Robert W. Service

There are strange things done in the midnight sun
By the men who moil for gold;
The Arctic trails have their secret tales
That would make your blood run cold;
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
But the queerest they ever did see
Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
I cremated Sam McGee.

Now Sam McGee was from Tennessee, where the cotton blooms and blows.
Why he left his home in the South to roam ‘round the Pole, God only knows.
He was always cold, but the land of gold seemed to hold him like a spell;
Though he’d often say in his homely way that “he’d sooner live in hell.”

On a Christmas Day we were mushing our way over the Dawson trail.
Talk of your cold! through the parka’s fold it stabbed like a driven nail.
If our eyes we’d close, then the lashes froze till sometimes we couldn’t see;
It wasn’t much fun, but the only one to whimper was Sam McGee.

And that very night, as we lay packed tight in our robes beneath the snow,
And the dogs were fed, and the stars o’erhead were dancing heel and toe,
He turned to me, and “Cap,” says he, “I’ll cash in this trip, I guess;
And if I do, I’m asking that you won’t refuse my last request.”

Well, he seemed so low that I couldn’t say no; then he says with a sort of moan:
“It’s the cursed cold, and it’s got right hold till I’m chilled clean through to the bone.
Yet ‘taint being dead—it’s my awful dread of the icy grave that pains;
So I want you to swear that, foul or fair, you’ll cremate my last remains.”

A pal’s last need is a thing to heed, so I swore I would not fail;
And we started on at the streak of dawn; but God! he looked ghastly pale.
He crouched on the sleigh, and he raved all day of his home in Tennessee;
And before nightfall a corpse was all that was left of Sam McGee.

There wasn’t a breath in that land of death, and I hurried, horror-driven,
With a corpse half hid that I couldn’t get rid, because of a promise given;
It was lashed to the sleigh, and it seemed to say: “You may tax your brawn and brains,
But you promised true, and it’s up to you to cremate those last remains.”

Now a promise made is a debt unpaid, and the trail has its own stern code.
In the days to come, though my lips were dumb, in my heart how I cursed that load.
In the long, long night, by the lone firelight, while the huskies, round in a ring,
Howled out their woes to the homeless snows—O God! how I loathed the thing.

And every day that quiet clay seemed to heavy and heavier grow;
And on I went, though the dogs were spent and the grub was getting low;
The trail was bad, and I felt half mad, but I swore I would not give in;
And I’d often sing to the hateful thing, and it hearkened with a grin.

Till I came to the marge of Lake Lebarge, and a derelict there lay;
It was jammed in the ice, but I saw in a trice it was called the “Alice May.”
And I looked at it, and I thought a bit, and I looked at my frozen chum;
Then “Here,” said I, with a sudden cry, “is my cre-ma-tor-eum.”

Some planks I tore from the cabin floor, and I lit the boiler fire;
Some coal I found that was lying around, and I heaped the fuel higher;
The flames just soared and the furnace roared—such a blaze you seldom see;

Then I burrowed a hole in the glowing coal, and I stuffed in Sam McGee.

Then I made a hike, for I didn’t like to hear him sizzle so;
And the heavens scowled, and the huskies howled, and the wind began to blow.
It was icy cold, but the hot sweat rolled down my cheeks, and I don’t know why;
And the greasy smoke in an inky cloak went streaking down the sky.

I do not know how long in the snow I wrestled with grisly fear;
But the stars came out and they danced about ere again I ventured near;
I was sick with dread, but I bravely said: “I’ll just take a peep inside.
I guess he’s cooked, and it’s time I looked;” . . . then the door I opened wide.

And there sat Sam, looking cool and calm, in the heart of the furnace roar;
And he wore a smile you could see a mile, and he said: “Please close that door.
It’s fine in here, but I greatly fear you’ll let in the cold and storm—
Since I left Plumtree, down in Tennessee, it’s the first time I’ve been warm.”

There are strange things done in the midnight sun

By the men who moil for gold;

The Arctic trails have their secret tales

That would make your blood run cold;

The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,

But the queerest they ever did see

Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge

I cremated Sam McGee.

Well, it's a new post

Hello blogging world! I had something of importance to say... but as soon as I hit "new post" it completely slipped my mind. Drat. OH! I remembered :]. I finished New Moon in one night. I'm a complete and utter nerd... I read ridiculously fast and I love books, what can I say? But Mere Christianity, for some reason I can't get into that book. One of these days.

Oh and I'm so pissed because I have had Breakfast of Champions sitting in my room for weeks now, and for what? No reason at all. I started it and was really intrigued by it, but for some reason I didn't get past a few chapters. Too busy. I've found less time for books. I really need to straighten my hours out and go to sleep earlier. Sigh.

I have lots of things running around in my head about this summer and next school year. I want to do a lot of things.

Also I want to start putting up more videos on my youtube account. That would be really fun.

That reminds me of singing... which reminds me of voice lessons which in turn makes me think of piano lessons which makes me super pissed at myself for NOT practicing the piano today. UGH!!!!! I irritate myself sometimes. o;aihglsjkdfgslkdg

Ok I'm headed off to sleep because youtube is being LAME and won't let me upload the stupid picture I want for my profile picture. Gah. I'll put it on here instead. Lametown.

Blonde hair!/Video

I have blonde hair now! Yay! I'm so excited about it:]. And if you care to see it you can go watch my youtube video and see it:



Oh and also you can read one of my hater comments on another video! I laughed. I was a bit mean back... but whateverrr ;]

Nooo Title

Funny, I love to write, I love to read, and I love words. Yet with words at my fingertips and tucked away in the corners of my mind I still can't put this feeling into words. Even weirder this is the start, who knows what can happen after. But this feeling, I still can't describe this feeling.

Shrugs.

Sympathy

I haven't blogged in a few days, sorry. Today I'm going to tell you about class this week and last week.

Last week my teacher was teaching us the correct way to format a sympathy note and what to say. Oh gosh it was refreshing to hear someone who knew what they were talking about. She told the class what not to say, things like "She's in a better place" or "I know how you feel" even "I can only imagine what you must be going through!" Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. First off, even if she is in a better place, I really freaking don't want to hear that after she died ok? It still hurts even if you try and make me feel better by saying she's in a better place. And how the devil do you, who has never gone through this nor lost someone, know how I'm feeling? You don't! And I don't expect you to. You're making some huge statements claiming to know how I feel, how can you know when I don't even know some times? And you certainly can NOT imagine! So don't try, you think you would know but you don't. I thought I would know, I was wrong. (And btw I say "you" but I don't mean you reading this... I'm saying you to people in general who say stuff like this... currently of the three people who read my blog that I know of... none of you did this and were perfectly fine and I appreciate you guys.). All of this is to say she elaborated on what not to say, and boy did she ever get it right.

Then she proceeded on the correct things to say. She got it all right, she told everyone how to be considerate of the one who lost a loved one. Things like "All the one grieving wants is for you to bring who ever died back. There's no way we can do that. So bring their memory to life, let them relive those precious moments." Yes. Exactly. I was so grateful someone smacked some sense into my peers. A little over two years ago my sister died. None of my friends knew what to say or how to act, but I didn't blame them. I was very nice in my grief, never lashing out on anyone. In fact I was the considerate one. I always thought of the other persons feelings, never wanting them to be uncomfortable or wanting them to feel awkward. I went way out of my way to make sure the other person was ok when they were trying to make sure I was ok. Simply because they had no idea how to make sure I was ok and usually screwed up and made me feel worse, but, instead of letting them know they said they were hurting me worse I appreciated the effort and saw the thought they had for me. So I was ridiculously nice. I know some people who are mean. They straight out are rude when you say the wrong thing and they just don't care about the other person. Everything my teacher said was exactly right. I wanted to scream to everyone in that class to listen hard! Listen good! Actually, just listen! Most everyone my age are stuck in a bubble and don't really care about others or situations like these. It seems far off, unreal, and it's never close to home, so why should they care? Because one day they will need to care. She told us all the right way to write a sympathy note.

In fact, I was so grateful I went up to her after class and let her know. I thanked her and told her how much I appreciate the fact that someone was willing to try and let youth my age know about stuff like this. Especially since most don't care and don't listen. Not to mention it's a hard thing to have to talk about anyways.

That was last week. Now for this week.

We have a different writing assignment this time around. But she graded most of the notes and read some appalling statements. She was just frustrated because so many people didn't follow simple instructions and guidelines. Here are some examples that I can recall:

"I think about (so and so) at times and am sad, and I know you think about (so and so) too, even if it is a different kind of grief." WHAT!? Why would you say "at times"... gah.

"I learned a lot from your son and I'm sure you learned stuff from him too." Are you kidding? The person was writing to his freaking mother.

I can't even remember all the ones she read aloud. It was ridiculous. I'm sitting there baffled at the pure idiocy and lack of tack some of them had and the cold notes. They were well meaning, but definitely wrong and only worse and hurtful. My friends! People I know, people my age, people I sit in class with. My peers. Had I received any of those types of letters I would have been insanely nice about it... but it would have only deepened my hurt. Perhaps I'll post all the notes I took on the correct way to write a sympathy note... but not now.

So she's just going on about it some more. Class is almost over. I can see it in some of their faces, they don't care. "What does this older teacher know?" or "She just goes on and on and never stops." I know what they think, I can see it in their eyes that they aren't really taking note of what she's saying. Why should they? It's a class, a writing assignment. It's coming from an older teacher who was born way before their time. I wanted to say something. I knew I had to. How else would the point come across? A lot of them didn't know me back then and don't know my sister died. I'm working up the courage to actually spill my guts to a class that shows no interest in the matter. My mind is running with words and sentences and what I should say to get my point across. I know the moment I would open my mouth they would listen then stop and think about EVERYTHING she said. It would be real to them. Suddenly Mrs. Coy is right and it makes sense. I knew if I said something confirming all that she said and the look on my face, the earnestness, the hurt.. I knew they would suddenly care. But did I really want to say something? Did I want them to know? Did I want them to sit and stare at me stumbling through my words restating what my teacher so eloquently just said that they seemed to be ignoring? My heart was pounding faster and faster. My hands began to shake. I'm second guessing actually sharing personal experience. The color in my cheeks didn't burn red, thankfully. But my heart feels as if it's about to explode, why? I don't mind talking in front of people or being on stage... but this was something so close to home and I didn't know if they would really listen, but of course I knew they would... but I was afraid they wouldn't. Finally I raise my hand and wait a few minutes. My teacher smiles and asks me what my question is, the rest of the students are putting their things up and scooting their chairs around, anxious to get out of class. So I simply said I wanted to say something to the class. Everyone slows down a bit and looks at me. Then I begin. I can't recall everything I said. Soon everyone has stopped. The moment I said, "I don't think most of you know... but my sister died a few years back." Suddenly it was quiet and all eyes and ears were on me. I stopped a moment, not for dramatic affect, which it did add a dramatic affect... it was just unintentional, but merely because I was hesitant to continue. I shared with them how much it meant to me everything my teacher was saying. Everything she said was right. I told them I hoped they would listen and care and understand. I told them how when we received letters some were heartless and mechanical and how some hurt... a lot. I told them how it really does affect someone when they receive a rude, but well intentioned, note. A said a few other things. My teacher just smiled, I knew she was glad I said something. It's different when teacher says something than when a student, a peer, a friend, someone the same age says something. Suddenly everyone in the room listened and actually thought about it, (granted some did before of course.) She spoke a few minutes more about what I said. Then she dismissed us. I could feel the curious eyes on me. I could feel the looks. The sudden interest. All of a sudden they saw me in a different light. I was just like them, I laughed I joked I had fun on breaks just like them. Suddenly pain and hurt from death was in the midst of them. I saw different guys especially just look at me differently. What they were thinking I'll never know. But I could see it in their eyes they were thinking about everything I said. I could see that all of a sudden they were thinking about it all. I could see the sorry in their eyes for not taking this assignment seriously. I saw so many things. But mainly I felt the new stares and them looking at me in a different light.

I'm glad I said something.

Thought: I honestly don't understand why people harp on how "bad" this earthly existence is. We look forward to how "great" life will be after we die and usher into our "spiritual" life. Sure there are bad parts (hence the last post about escaping reality through books), but sometimes you need to run through the bad to get to the good.
Further thought: Why does everything have to deal with life after death? What's so wrong with living this one?

Sigh. Thanks for running a million miles an hour stupid brain. You're such a pal.

P.s. The books I bought were New Moon by Stephenie Meyer and Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. I'm obsessed with the Twilight trilogy (it's fantastic... stirs emotions in me I didn't know could be stirred. Funny, it's about vampires ;). And I had been wanting to read Mere Christianity for a while now. Honestly I think at this given point in my life it would be a good idea to read it... for multiple reasons.

But I'm going to read. Goodnight.

Books, Reality, and Further Thoughts

My book experiment has failed miserably. That's kind of depressing. But I bought two books today! All free too. I had gift cards to Barnes and Noble. I'm going to start both today probably. I start multiple books at once and whichever one grabs my attention out of them all I finish that one first. Sometimes anyways. Most times I read just one at a time.

I love books because it's a form of entertainment you can lose yourself in. You can escape reality for a time, and sometimes I just need to escape the insanity of reality.

So here's a thought. We use books/movies/any type of entertainment to escape reality right? Why is reality so bad? Why does it have to be bad? Why? Why is our world just a piece of crap in general? Where'd all the good stuff go? You know let's go back to one of my favorite lyrical lines: Will I discover a soul saving love?". Favorite favorite favorite! That one line induces much thought in my mind. I've always thought, (Ok yes... whatever let's just leave religion out of this ok?), that perhaps love really does complete you, save you, keep you sane. I mean people say "I've found my other half". Sure life will never be perfect. But that one love, one person, one relationship that lasts a lifetime... I always thought it would just feel so right you know? The imperfections... you look past those. The disagreements, the fights, any conflicts, love surpasses them all up and over looks them. But I always hoped and had the idea that that person will be the one you can create a new reality with. When with them you're in another world, the crap world doesn't seem so real and being with them eases the burden. I think of it as this, when you're with that person you can rest from life's troubles, the hardships. Being with them is a comfort. All I can say is that it "feels right". As lame as that sounds. Am I making sense? If you're around them or talking to them life really does seem a bit sweeter.

I'm not making any sense. Maybe I'll try and elaborate later. But I really want to try and say what I'm thinking about this. It's always been on my mind. Oh well, better luck next time.

I don't know

Last night after getting off the phone I couldn't fall asleep. Not that I didn't want to, because I was exhausted, I was running on empty. Yet sleep didn't come. I started to write my thoughts down... thoughts I've been hesitant to even record. Well I started to. It felt great. Yet not so great. Things I've been feeling and dealing with for the past year. Long time coming, eh? I can't bring myself to post it here now.

But I didn't go to church (ugh thank goodness). Not that I have a problem with church... you know. I find little enjoyment as of late. It's kind of stale and bland. But in general I like church. But I was so tired this morning and I told my mom that and she just let me stay home.

Thoughts thoughts thoughts. How do you share your thoughts when they're running a million miles an hour around up inside your head and you can't even figure out what exactly you think, you're not sure, it's all muddled and confused up there? You can't. Until then, they'll be continually analyzed and mulled over in my own mind, for myself, no one else for now.

What am I talking about? Umm, yeah. Maybe it's best to just not say for now. I'll keep you posted though. It's about a lot of things actually. Not one sole thing.

Ohh look what I stumbled upon

This particular blog post was saved as a draft. I don't know why I didn't post it. I wrote it as one of my first blogs. It would have been posted on 2.5.08

It's a deep pity and a waste... about the amount of time I actually have Love on my mind. Ridiculous? Yes it is. Perhaps it's because I've never been in love myself. Things you don't have you want even more. The ones out of reach just make you reach harder. Well I'm not reaching. I won't reach. I'll want, but I won't reach. For if I'm reaching what image does that display? I'm not the one to pursue. I think this is why many many of the guys I have liked and "talked" with ended. They didn't really understand the concept of pursuing. I'm sick and tired of this world. I'm in the middle of watching A Knights Tale, and it's just so depressing. Guys don't prove their love like that these days.

This is why I'll end up an old maid. And alone.

I set my standards high, I expect more than guys are used to. I don't settle (ha anymore).

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self‑seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

That's what love is. Yet in so many peoples lives I don't see that kind of love. I look around at my friends relationships (well... some), I see my sisters' college friends and their relationships. Shallow. It isn't near what the above states. With so many false connotations of love floating around, what am I supposed to expect?

If what I see is truly all there is to love, I don't know if I want to fall in love. I will only be satisfied with the deepest truest and most trusting love of all.

With "I love you" spewing out of teens mouths like rapid fire, it's kind of sickening. They don't know what love is. Sex is love. Or at least that's what our culture tells us. There's more too it than that, it's definitely a great part of it, but just part. What is love? Will I find it?

You know, even though I look for more in a guy, I still am a bit shallow. I honestly couldn't like a guy who I wasn't attracted to. If I'm going to date someone he definitely HAS to be hot. And I mean I'm not super ugly so it's not impossible. I'm pretty pretty right? Yep. But hopefully some guy will think I'm pretty, but he'll look beyond that and love me for who I am, what my heart is, what I have to say.

And I definitely will never date an idiot. I'd probably shoot myself. Ah. I'm one for stimulating conversation, a nice banter of words. And not just a guy who talks a lot, a guy with substance, a guy with more on his mind than making a "that's what she said" joke every 5 seconds. But of course, an uptight fellow wouldn't be good at all. Ha, I laugh at those jokes... but yeah. A good conversationalist who is witty, sarcastic, and makes great jokes :]

I want to know that no matter what in the world, I can trust that guy. I have a really big issue with trust... so whatever happens whatever love is, trust is a huge MUST. I can never love someone if I couldn't trust them. I want an honest relationship. I want the kind of love that even in silence the passion is deafening. I want to just simply be able to look in his eyes and know beyond a shadow of a doubt he's willing to do anything he possibly can for me, and for him to look me in the eyes and know the same. (Of course anything I say, it's implied it would all be returned towards him)

I wrooote this at the beginning of February. I didn't "finish" it, simply because I wrote it so long ago. Well, longish. Haha so yeah, hopefully I really don't end up an old maid :P. I had fun reading this! Haha :]

Sleepy smiles

You know what feeling I love? That feeling of when your sleepy... so you lay down, not to nap, but just because you're sleepy. So you doze off... but then you wake up 2 minutes later because someone texted you. And you're still sleepy, but not as sleepy, but a wee bit rested but you're lying there so comfortably. Not to mention you're texting your best friend. And also the fact that best friends tend to make you smile makes the barely sleepy semi-coherent wakefulness yet kinda out of it feeling so much better. So I love that kinda tired/sleepy feeling where you can't help but smile. It makes it better because when I'm sleepy cause I don't think straight.. thus relieving some of those annoying thoughts. And it makes the world seem nicer because you don't really worry as much when you're sleepy.

I say all this because it just happened to me jtodayyy haha :]

Oh and we can't forget about the moments right before you fall asleep. You're tired and exhausted... on the edge of waking thoughts and dream filled sleep. It feels like reality and you confuse what's real with what is a dream. And also the moment you wake up in the morning and you realize you have a few extra minutes of sleep so you doze off into unconsciousness every few minutes. It's that delirious state where you just are kind of there.

Haha :] I love this post. So random.

These Thoughts

"These thoughts run through my head, Over and over." -Anberlin, Paperthin Hymn

I feel as if two forces are tearing me apart. They are pulling and tearing my mind to shreds. It's all I can think about. I can scarcely even tell you because to put into words what I'm thinking is just unthinkable. Everything is crystal clear and yet so muddied. It makes perfect sense, yet is utter nonsense. What to do? What to think? How to feel? Then to be in certain situations only worsens it. I falter and I'm too scared to even speak or write what I'm thinking... because it's the saneness that makes me insane. Those who know me best... don't. If they had a peak into my thoughts... I'm sure they'd be completely befuddled and wonder how they never knew so much was raging on inside of me. Have you ever heard of Brand New? I love that band. They have an album called, "The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me." Yeah.

Why? Why must I think incessantly and never cease?

Frightening... these thoughts are frightening. But I cannot bring myself to stop mulling over it all.

The only consolation is one of the things that only causes me more thought. Sigh.

Pictures

I think this is a really ridiculously awesome picture. Look in her eyes, you see more.

Heart, passion, chains, holding back, held back, misery, hope, love, despair, something just waiting to burst forth. Pictures are worth a thousand words.

It's just such a cool picture. You look at it and immediately the needle just makes you squirm and it hurts you. Whoever made this deserves major props. Gah, my flawed words don't even begin to fully describe the emotions you see in this picture. Random picture? Yeaaah. Maybe I'll do a less creepy morbid depressing one another post. But I don't think it's that depressing. There's a tinge of hope. I mean, after all, there is a heart :]

Music, lyrics, wit, passion, and a poem.

I find music is the sweetest escape. The music, the lyrics, the passion, it's all so riveting and moving. It causes a stir deep in my soul like I can't even describe. Breath taking, awe inspiring, so powerful. Such beauty and grace, oh to aspire to cause such feelings in another one day... some day. Today, just today... music is the outlet of the inner core of my being. I can't even find words to convey to you how incredible it is. I love music.

Honestly, today is a day I feel ok being broken. I feel a release. Days like these come, days like these I normally hate. But today.. it's different, I know it's ok. I don't mind it. It's like closing my eyes to reality and taking a moment to just fall into my thoughts and mingle with feelings so tragic, feelings so painful, feelings so utterly miserable, but yet somehow refreshing. You have to go through pain to get to the pleasure. Tonight, today, this moment... I know by reliving such feelings it's reliving a memory, a memory so sweet and beautiful that it makes remembering the pain worth remembering the memory.

Dinah would have been 15 today. It's insane how fast times moves on. It's crazy how while moving forward the past can still hurt like it happened today. To lose such a sweet spirit is a bitter blow. Such a sarcastic witty fireball of personality, and yet such a compassionate loving sister. God, I miss her. Here's a poem I wrote earlier in her memory.

The sweet sorrow in the air,
It's breaking my heart,
It's just not fair.
To go on with a pasted smile,
Yet knowing all the while,
No one knows the pain inside.
The pain you feel of when she died.
The tears you never seem to shed,
She's gone and buried, gone and dead.
Life to death, such misery wrought...
So morbid a thought,
But it's the way things will be.
Years have gone by,
O how time does fly!
But the hurt etched so deep,
How your heart in turn does weep.
It never seems to lessen.
Cherish the ones you love,
Even the ones above.
Never let a day pass on,
Without sharing the love you feel,
Take each moment, take each day,
Never let them fade away.
This could be your one last chance,
So live, love, have fun and dance.
But even when your busy living..
The ones, the ones like me,
We learn how to live and let it be,
We hurt, it's pain, it's misery.
But to tear us down?
To always frown?
Nay, we smile.
You just never see, we rarely confide...
What's really going on inside.

Highway 6 Drunkard

On the way home from work I saw a drunk guy. It was completely random too. It was on the side of Highway 6 and Huffmeister. I saw him and he was stumbling around and I'm thinking to myself, what is this idiot doing? (Not knowing he's drunk yet..). Well it's slow cause of traffic and I get closer and he's picking up a box... of beer. So he's stumbling around and trying to pick up his beer but the box falls apart and his cans roll everywhere. He's careful to pick up every one. By now I'm looking in my rear view mirror watching this scene.

Why did I tell that story? I thought it was sad. Depressing. Poor pathetic life. It was like 4:30 too. Random time to be on the side of the road drunk. How do you even get to a point like that? I don't know. I never want to know.

So have you ever thought so much you felt like your head was going to explode? Yeah, actually that's never happened to me. My head just hurts, frustration builds up, stress rises, etc. Sometimes I think and think then I come full swing around and realize something I should have realized from the beginning. There are so many things in life you have no control over and you just have to let go. Sometimes by letting go you actually get to keep it. Sometimes. Sunday was surprisingly good. Something unexpected happened. So that was nice. Insanely nice. You have no idea. You really don't know because I'm not going to elaborate ha.

Also, have you ever thought about something... then realized it's so beautiful that makes you want to cry? I don't cry, but it makes me want to. Actually, one of my current favorite songs lyrics says it too: "It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry." The question is, will it be the good kind of tears, or sad ones? Only time will ever tell. I don't know if it's a tragic beauty or a heart warming beauty.

I'm so tired from work. Not tired physically where I need sleep, but just tired. Tired mentally. Tired emotionally. My soul's tired. I'm so exhausted, where can I even find a resting place? Is there such a place? Do you find it in a book, in your thoughts, by sitting in the midst of nature, or can you find it in the comfort of a friends words? When you're the one continually being there for everyone else, always being the strong one, always the one lifting everyone else up out of their misery, who then is the one to be there for you? I don't know. But when I find that place, it'll be like heaven, I can guarantee you that.

Forge Ahead

I really am a goody goody. I know exactly where my phone is and could have easily taken it. I suppose this is where self control and honesty come into play. It's just a phone. It's just one night.

But that aside, guess what! You get to read another one of my poems. I wrote is a little over a week ago. Enjoy, or not. The choice is yours.

Forge Ahead

The man who sleeps never lives
And the one who lives never sleeps.
Define us this moment, then graciously give
The dead honor, for the one who weeps.
Call it truth or call it virtue
Fools will be fooled,
And the wise always have a clue,
To when the rug's been pulled
Out from beneath them on a dreary night.
To suffer for the cause
Then end with such a plight:
To wish for life and a bloodied gauze,
Is what the sleeping soldier lost.
We say God bless,
But a life we tossed,
Will it cost more or less?
There cannot be gain,
Unless there is loss,
There will be pain,
Over this we cannot gloss.
Suffer the truth,
Or lose what is lost,
Enter the booth.
Or let your back be crossed.
Honor the dead,
Let the living be free,
Forge on ahead,
Let this be.

Written in light of many things. Our country, the men who died for it, the men who fight for it. The ignorant people who those soldiers died for. The people who do not care for truth. Too many people are blindsided and forget what freedom cost, what it means. With election time rolling around I think way too many people don't care. Enter the booth with the truth of what's going on, or let your back be crossed. What makes American great? Democracy, freedom of speech (among many many other things). Too many take it for granted. Too many people just don't care.

License!

Just 2 things.

1. I FINALLY got my license in the mail :D
2. My parents make no sense

The first one completely made my day, which is quite convenient considering the two things canceled each other out. I've been checking the mail waiting for it for weeeks. I'm so glad it finally came! I guess it's a decent picture of me. That's always nice. Although it expires on my birthday (18! Woo!). That's not too far away.

The second, I really actually was surprised by. Usually I at least understand where my mom is coming from. She took my phone away today for no reason other than she didn't want me to use it. Just for one day, she'll give it to me tomorrow. I don't even know why she took it in the first place. She took it when I was still in bed. Parents. Whatever I can go one night without a phone.

Coffee!?

I've been in this poetic bubble as of late. Creatively speaking, it's amazing... but still come on. I haven't written anything other than poems lately. It has kind of annoyed me. Last night while I was studying/reading Ben-Hur I kept getting all these different story ideas. I wanted to write so bad! But I restrained myself. Sometimes you have to make good grades and that's more important that creative writing in your free time. Not to mention it was like 2:30 in the morning. So I'm aggravated because I can't remember what I came up with last night. I only remember one vaguely. I should write these things down. Drat.

So since I stayed up so late I was pretty tired this morning. I think I hit snooze on my alarm 5 times. No lie. It's 5 minute intervals and so I woke up 25 mins later than planned. But it's okay, I just skipped that time getting ready. 5 minutes! Yes! Speed time to get ready. And the amazing part is my hair is like the coolest hair ever and I never have to fix it. I wake up and it's just all ready good to go. Then of course the pain, make up. The price we girls pay to enhance our beauty, or hide our ugliness. Ha. :]. I choose to believe I'm enhancing. Anyways. So I drank coffee this morning. Oh, I gagged the first time I forced it down. Why did I even drink coffee? Caffeine. I was up late and I really wanted to be awake during class(I love this class). So since I was utterly exhausted, the coffee and sleep depravity counter attacked one another and in turn balanced me out. I was no more hyper than usual, but not sleepy. Just normal. Amazingly. It was straight black coffee. Even more sick. That's all we had. Pure insanity. Nasty. I really don't like coffee. I think if I forced myself to drink it in a few short months I could build up a good tolerance to it and not mind it. Yeah, no thanks.

I really want to write later. I feel all creative now... but school comes first. Sigh.

Oh! But I want to leave you with a poem I love! It makes you stop and think.

Myself
Edgar Guest

I have to live with myself, and so
I want to be fit for myself to know,
I want to be able, as the days go by,
Always to look myself straight in the eye;
I don't want to stand, with the setting sun
And hate myself for the things I've done

I don't want to keep on a closet shelf
A lot of secrets about myself,
And fool myself, as I come and go,
Into thinking that nobody else will know
The kind of man I really am;
I don't want to dress myself in sham

I wan to go out with my head erect,
I want to deserve all men's respect;
But here in the struggle for fame and pelf
I want to be able to like myself.
I don't want to look at myself and know
That I'm bluster and bluff and empty show.

I can never hide myself from me;
I see what others may never see;
I know what others may never know,
I never can fool myself, and so,
Whatever happens, I want to be
Self-respecting and conscience free

Science=Death

Thoughts run ever so freely through out my mind. Thoughts ever so prevalent are left undefined.

"What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger."

How I hate that quote, yet how true it is. Sometimes you have to run through the bad to get to the good. Oh, I really hope there is good... if not that's probably the worst deal I've ever heard of.

That aside, I really hate science. A lot. But I love my class. It's amazing. I sit at a table with all guys (besides myself of course). They make class interesting. Seriously, it's so hilarious at that table. All of us hate science with a deep burning passion, so we make the most of it. Tc sits to my left and Blake to my right and Drew on the other side of Blake. Usually Drew and I just text the whole time. Blake provides us with the refreshments (ha the kid ALWAYS has peach tea and food for us, no lie). And Tc cracks jokes every five seconds. Our teacher hates our table. I think I sit with the most normal homeschool guys in the whole entire class, of course. Would you expect anything less of me? Half the time we're dying laughing. The other half ... we're trying NOT to laugh. The things that come out of their mouths... oh man. There's this other girl Kim in our class who I love, but can be a bit slow. See, none of the guys pick on me because I'm smart enough to know when they're making fun of me and I can fight fire with fire. Kim kinda is an easy target. We all get along swell. Honestly I think it's one of my favorite classes (minus the whole having to learn science part). Yeah other than that it's a like a slow painful death, like a poison coursing through my veins slowly, but surely, shutting down my systems one by one. Death is inevitable but I must endure the process. No, it can't be quick. The lectures slay me! Ah! So yeah interesting class. Interesting day today. Of course sitting at a table full of guys there's going to be some sexual innuendos... and somehow I ended up being Blake's hoe. See, Blake brings these crystal light packets to make the peach tea. Everyone at the table loves peach tea. Someone has to fill up the water bottles... so Blake turns to me and says hey, go get me water. So I say why should I? And he goes because you're my... and I said hoe? And he said, Yeaaah just didn't want to be the one to say hoe, but yes you're my hoe. So I turn to Tc and say hey hoe go get me some water. He did. Then next time (we're all sharing saliva and drinking after one another, of course) he got Drew too. He said Drew's my B... and Drew is feeling all left out not having a hoe or B. (It was funny cause Tc actually said B and not the whole word lol). So I'm like aww poor Drew, I'll be your hoe! So the next time I got the water. So we're all calling each other hoes and B's in class today. Random much? I think they got a kick out of how I didn't get offended haha. Man, I freaking love those guys. Minus the fact that I was called a hoe of course.

So despite the test I failed today, it was pretty ok. I'm going to take a nap (Heaven!) then I have voice lessons later. Gah. I need to practice. Perhaps I'll post another poem here soon?

Blah

I find it absolutely draining to have so many emotions flow through me all at once. It's exhausting really. What emotions? Eh, no need to tell you here. I want to write, I need to, but I find myself at a loss for words. A loss of words that I feel like I can share. I have enough running around inside my head, but not all of them are for prying eyes to read.

I didn't even fall asleep until 4 last night. Luckily my mom let me sleep in til 9. But still, that's ridiculous. I won't be sleeping much tonight either. Sleep evades me. A comfort so welcome has run so far from me. Why? It's as if God up in heaven is mocking me and laughing at my pathetic little life and just having a grand time watching me stumble through this wretched time. Thanks.

On a lighter note this guy I haven't seen in a couple years added me on facebook. I used to have the biggest crush on him too. Of course when I was a freshman I thought he was the hottest guy ever and that played a factor into it. Too bad he was shy. Anyways blast from the past. Awesome!

And my computer is being ridiculously slow. How about something NICE happen to me tonight? Oh yes tonight has been utterly stressful btw.

Goodness.

(insert name here)

I was thinking yesterday, "Man I really wish I had gone to the rodeo this year." Which today was the last day, depressing isn't it? Well my friend Andrew ends up asking if I want to go because he has an extra ticket. I was like well duh of course! So that's literally 30 mins after I woke up this morning (yeah... around 1:30 pm, ha). So we went to the rodeo. Brooks and Dunn was tonights concert. I've never been a huge country listening kind of person, but I love going to the rodeo's concerts. It seriously is an amazing experience. Not to mention I like watching the bull riding and barrel racing. My parents can be weird about me hanging out with just guys, but for some reason my mom didn't care at all. She was like oh, well are y'all just friends? Is he a good driver? How do you know him? I think saying "Homeschooled" really did the trick. She didn't even care when we got home. He just picked me up and we left. That's not how my parents usually roll, it was great. I felt like a normal kid with non-stifling non-smothering non-ridiculous parents for once in my life. I know he doesn't like me (thaank goodness) because he's half in love with my best friend, but she doesn't like him. That's high school for you. She kept asking if was awkward or weird. It wasn't at all. The kid is a sweetheart. He payed for my stuff and held doors open for me, I just kept thinking "Awww". I like this kid! She's crazy for not liking him. But he's not my type in the least. She thought it might be weird just because we aren't super tight nor do we hang out that much. We're just ok friends. Naw, it was a great bonding time! Haha.

My sister was there too and when I got home I got to chill with her and her boyfriend. I never see her.

So fun spontaneous day. I don't feel like being all creative with my story telling today. For that I am sorry. I've saving it. I just, I really need some way to express the emotions I'm feeling inside. I'm kind of frustrated right now. I shouldn't be, I have no valid reason to be, and yet I am. So the fact that I know I shouldn't be frustrated only frustrates me more. But then at the same time how could I be anything but frustrated? So maybe I do have a valid reason to be frustrated, or maybe I don't. Or maybe I just over think it and over thinking it makes me frustrated by thinking about it too much. Then of course I get frustrated for overthinking everything. Gah. Ok I'm heading to bed "early". Or I'm attempting to. I'm going to the early service at church tomorrow. Free breakfast! My whole family isn't. Just my little brother and I.

Oh to let my thought to be squandered on pointless things, then maybe I wouldn't be frustrated.

Spontaneity!

All I have to say is I love spontaneous plans. A lot. They make me smile. What am I doing? I'll post about it later, I'm leaving!

Dead Arise in Meeting

When I write, it's one of my favorite things. When I write, it's one of the things I hate most. Oh to write eloquent beautiful passionate tales. But sometimes it seems like it's to no avail. Words come easy enough, rhythm and rhyme, neither are tough. So why is it so hard for me to simply let go? Why do I have a hard time even posting on this silly blog the poems I write? Because if you read it, and you don't like it it's like a bitter blow. Sure not everyone will like what I write, that much is evident. But it's something more. It's liking parting with a piece of my soul. A soul on display. Even if has nothing to do with me, it came from within me. For one to flippantly dismiss a deep part of me... I can't even put the terrible blow to the senses it would bring.

All that to say, I wrote poem. I wrote it tonight. A type of poem you may most likely not have ever read from me before. It's... how do I explain it? It's dark, yet light, depressing yet hopeful. A mix of the two with a bittersweet tale. To write of death, it may be absurdly odd, yet I do. This particular one has a happy ending, something I don't always let happen.

Dead Arise in Meeting

Thump thump thump a heart does beat,
To ever quicken this slow slow pace...
It only seems to happen after you've found
That one beautiful soulful face.
In all that time has to give
Cold and dead you live.
Like a walking corpse you abide,
Behind that sickly pallor you do hide.
All have fallen so utterly short,
Yet when searching and looking we simply abort
We plead and we cry wanting more
We give up when we want to soar.
We lie to ourselves; we lie on our bed
We can't wake up we're endlessly dead.
Unmoving unwavering we choose,
This situation we all seem to lose.
Death, O to overcome this terrible feat
A cold hard heart is so painful to beat.
So stiff and unusual we're just so lost,
We get one chance, to take or toss.
When the dead arise to meet,
Their meeting is so bitterly sweet.
A soul does speak
Whispers onto a lovers cheek
A stir,
It does occur.
With one electrifying kiss,
Passions awake; Passion's alive!
It's entering into eternal bliss.
Head first two do dive.
Eyes are open and tears are shed,
These lovers arise, arise from the dead.
The truth is so beautifully spoken...
The spell of death is forever broken.

An Utterly Perfect Moment

Oh if only every day could feel as nice as this one! It was simply divine. But really, it started yesterday. I was bummed that my parents wouldn't let me drive over to my friend's house. I hadn't hung out with her in a while and I had been looking forward to seeing her. She ended up getting a ride over to my house and spent the night. We're pretty chill when we hang out. The norm for us is to catch up, drink tea, then pick a movie to watch. It's a tradition to drink tea! I ran out of tea last night, which plays into the course of today's escapade :].

We watched She's the Man, one of my absolute favorites. It's one big long hilariously awkward moment. I love it. I can quote the whole movie with the characters. Every time she comes over she wants to watch it, but I loaned it to my friend last summer and didn't get it back until recently. We were stoked. We cracked up the entire time. Then we talked and I told her all the excitingly boring happenings of my life. I say exciting because to me it is, I say boring because in all honesty to me it is. And she then related me all the happy going ons of hers. We scan over all the movies in my room (I'm the one who actually buys movies in my family, no one else ever does) and picked In the Land of Women to watch next. We we're movie happy last night. I heard bad reviews about the movie, but I wanted to see it so badly. Why? Adam Brody is in it. He is the love of my life. My one stupid frivolous hollywood crush every high school girl is allowed to have. He is the absolute epitome of gorgeousness. The most attractive man to ever walk upon this planet. Whoever I date will have to accept this love affair, as will I to who ever his hollywood obsession is. So I loved the movie more than I should have. It really wasn't that great of a movie, nothing special. But I'm sure I'll watch it over and over simply because Adam Brody is in it. A favorite for superficial reasons, I'm ok with that. We went to bed past 4. We woke up at 10. I needed to cash a check before the activities of the day began to unravel. To my surprise my mom was ok with me driving with someone else in the car. I still need to get an account, I just haven't gotten around to it. So the first bank I went to was like, "We can't cash it because you don't have an account." Wonderful. But the other bank was across the street so it was no big deal. The lady then asks me for a photo ID. I don't have one yet, those stupid people at the DMV have yet to mail it to me! Idiots! Gah. But it was cool she still cashed it for me.

After arriving back at my house our other friend got there. We sat in my room talking for a bit, but then I grew restless. I wanted to leave my house. So we decided to go to starbucks so I could replenish my tea supply (I ran out remember). We drive to starbucks. My tea wasn't there. No big deal. They wanted coffee from a place called Caffeino. It's a good ways away. So we drive out there and get coffee (them not me.. yuck). We stop by HEB to get my tea. They didn't have my flavor in stock. We started to get uneasy. It's all three of our favorite tea. So we drive back near my house and go to the starbucks in Barnes and Noble. Our friend Kevin was working and so I asked if they carried the brand and flavor. NO! Now we're all like what the crap, why does no one have this amazing tea?! He suggests we go to Randalls. We drive over to the target in the strip center near it because they have a starbucks inside. We ask, and yet again THEY DON'T HAVE IT. By now we're all so ticked. We drive over to Randalls, our last hope. We look and look, but nooo, Tazo just doesn't like us for some reason. (Tazo is the brand). I ended up buying green tea. We all are super bummed about not finding the tea anywhere. We drove all around and it was all to no avail. But it was a fun little hunt. We go back to my house and had tea. It just wasn't the same. I really want passion tea now. They left soon after.

I drove my sister to the store so she could buy junk food and such. While I was there I indulged myself a bit. I sprung and bought the expensive dark chocolate. I used to HATE dark chocolate, I thought it was disgusting, but for some reason I love it now. It satisfies that girlish chocolate longing. I love chocolate. Chocolate honestly has a way of soothing all of life's problems. With each bite it's bliss. You lose yourself in the smooth refined taste and for a brief second, it tastes like heaven. Random days I want chocolate so I bought it. Then I took a stroll to the mailbox down the street. I stopped by the bayou and the grassy field next to it. The wind whipped subtly all around and seemed to wrap it's arms around me. A smile crossed my lips. It's such beautiful weather were having. I sat down, drinking in the cool fresh air. In that moment, I lost myself. All of life's problems, all the worlds troubles, all my burdensome thoughts escaped me. I laid my head down in the soft green grass. The prickly soft blades cushioned my head. I closed my eyes. If only life had more of those kinds of moments. Everything felt so peaceful. It felt like everything was going to be ok. Time stopped but life kept moving all around. The birds sung their songs cheerfully. The bugs buzzed about. The occasional passing car disrupted the serenity. It was so beautiful! If only more people stopped and had such an experience. I wanted to go to the park. I wanted to write. I wanted to just absorb the splendor all around me. I walked home then found my little brother. I asked him if he wanted to go with me to the park. He said yes. My sister came too. I drove them to a nearby park and they ran off somewhere. I sat against a tree, listened to my sweet Sufjan. I wrote a poem. I put the finishing touches on the few I wrote the day before. I read a book. It was an incredibly relaxing two hours. Time did fly. When I got home my mom just thought it was the sweetest act to take my younger siblings to the park. I think she just thought it was sweet of me to think of them and how they might have fun going.

Today has been such a relaxing fun day. I'm sort of glad I have no plans tonight. After working all week it's nice to unwind. The weather was so nice and peaceful. Oh how I love the outdoors! When I'm older I don't want to live here. I want to move where in the summer it's not scorching hot all the time. Bliss. It was the perfect day, and I needed it severely. I've been feeling a bit burdened and had a lot of things going on lately. Too many thoughts. Too much skepticism. Too many questions. Too many dreary thoughts. I don't really talk about it with anyone. I store it up inside and ponder it all and turn it all over in my mind over and over again. Today and the silent serenity it held, it renewed something inside. Something I needed to be renewed. A tenderness towards life perhaps, a hope. With all the crap in this world, just one brief utterly perfect moment seems to sooth the aches. To live for such moments, to cherish such moments. I want to experience as many of those as possible. Oh to find someone who wants to cherish such moments too, to share such moments. One day... one day.

Fences

Have you ever sat atop a fence? Not knowing which side is right? Today I am. It's not about anything big or important or even life altering, but still, it's a fence none the less. On one side people are screaming yes yes yes! Then there is always the faint whisper saying, no darling, it's simply a no. How do you find out which side is right? Who is right? One second I'm agreeing heartily then the next moment I'm second guessing it all. The facts are all laid out in a neat little row. But to decipher the meaning? Who can know? I review it again, telling myself no, a thousand times no. But ... is it a yes, and I just am so pessimistic I am so used to saying no that I assume it's a no but really it's a yes? Or could it possibly be it's really a no and I'm just holding on to dim hope that's it's a yes? Yes or no? I don't know. I don't want a no, but I'm scared of a yes, it's all so ridiculous I must confess. I should leave it alone, but no I cannot. It's not the Leah way. I must over think things, it's what I do best! I love to complicate things; I love to bring it to a deeper level then absolutely pick apart minuscule details. Yes or no, perhaps in the middle? Maybe it's neither a yes nor no, but undecided? Do you know what I mean? How can I sit atop the fence and want to know which side is right, when I myself do not even know what I will feel or how to respond to a yes, or even a maybe. Perhaps it's better off just letting the whispers carry me away. No no no- it's best that way. Easier?- but is it better? Best? What do I want? On the fence I can only see a blur down below. What do I prefer? I prefer to over complicate things, it's my way of life.

I sit atop a fence, wondering.

Do you ever wonder such things too?

--- I've had a sudden burst of creativity. I wrote a few poems last night, and wrote a few poems while at work. I usually only write one at a time. But to show them? Never. Imperfections remain in the dimmed light of the writer who works so diligently to pour her heart into her work... no need to let the savage critics tear her soulful writings apart.

My parents just denied me the privilege of a grand night I had been planning on all week. Sigh. Perhaps I'll sit at home and be a recluse and write. Or to be lazy and watch a movie. Or perhaps induce my mind with fanciful imaginations from a cleverly written book.

When I have a good line of poetry stuck in my head the rest just follows. I'll give you a few lines I thought of at work (All from different poems):

"Fall back, no, step ahead!
'Cause in this place you're merely dead."

"This longing, passion, and desire,
Are all like living breathing fire."

"O, to turn about the room,
and have your presence linger and loom."

"Still so distant, and yet so near,
Did you know... how I miss you dear?"

It's easier to show you simply a line. To show you it all? No, I won't. Perhaps once I've finished them all. All are "finished" but I like to put finishing touches on the things I write. Btw, the last one is the starting lines for TWO different poems. Perhaps I'm writing a poem about my two best friends who live states away? :].

Speaking of I have a wonderful wonderful idea. Until I master the idea, add on to the idea, then perfect the idea.. I can't tell you! Amber has an idea. But she doesn't know she has an idea.

To Feel

It's moments like these, the ones where every intake of breath brings pain hammering down upon my soul that remind me I'm alive, and even if it's faint, I can still feel. Feel. What? So many things. Wonder, hope, agony, remorse, curiosity, fear, and oh so much more. A faint whisper tickles my ear in hopes of uplifting my spirits. With so much depth, how can I not but feel so utterly bewildered with the things going on inside? When I'm supposed to be in grief, how then do I manage to live on? Why does not the bitter pangs torment me like it does others? Am I heartless? Am I cold? Perhaps I do feel, but I push away the ones distasteful to me. What a mess it has made. With feelings so muddled I must now sift through and wonder why I have let myself come to such a state. Feel. How can I feel? Do I feel? The anguish, yes I do. But darling, the feelings are so suppressed it's bending me, threatening to break me. Do I really feel pain? Is it strength or is it merely cowardice for not taking on the pain? How do you know?

Break free and live on. Live. How do you live with such death? With demons tormenting with great cunning skill, how can a mere mortal withstand such a plight?

Wrestle with yourself, let your mind run wild with thoughts then stop. Breathe. Then that's when the pain starts out slow and dull.. but with each deep intake of breath the pain begins to pierce deeper and deeper. That's when you know, you know you can still feel. That's when you realize cowardice is nothing more than the thoughts implanted into your mind by the meddling devils. That's when you know your strength is holding fast. That's when you know you're alive.

Poets

"Poets utter great and wise things which they do not themselves understand." -Plato

Two Part Path

Hello again,

Upon request per Amber, I've decided to show you a poem I jotted down earlier. I don't really post poems here. Most "poems" I have in the past I don't consider real poetry. The one about my sister, yes that one was real. I like the rhythm and rhyme aspects of it. Without those I think my poetry isn't anything grand. So enjoy.

Two Part Path

Charmed was she at twenty-three,
With the winding two part path.
She looked around, heard not a sound,
Nor was there a soul to be seen.
She thought to herself, about fame and pelf,
And wondered what life was about.
She looked to her left, would she be bereft?
Perhaps she should choose the other.
Look to the right, is it worth the fight?
Of struggling and toiling so.
To make a choice, but to have a voice!
Is all she really wanted.
A path so clear, on which to steer,
She was having trouble deciding
To hold on to, what's trite and true,
Or to embark on an adventure so new?
She struggled and toiled, and how she recoiled,
To think of a life wasted.
To live out earnest, her heart did turnest,
Of the longing and desire inside.
Which path to take, which wouldn't break,
Her dreams, passions, and longings?
If she only knew, what to do,
On this crossroad here in her life.
To think with strife of this miserable life,
Wondering what would come next.
She didn't know, how to row,
And steer this monstrous ship of hers.
To sail into, the beautiful blue,
And have a storm come and wash her away.
The choice is now, to fate you must bow,
To choose one and forsake the other.
With a path so hazy, don't be lazy,
Decipher the signs you see.
Look there and look here, Be sure to show no fear,
To the threatening world to come.
Hold your head high, don't ever deny
Yourself of the wisdom up above.
Enjoy your youth, but hold fast to truth,
For life with our either is lost.
Stand here a while, let your thoughts compile,
Sort through them with tender care.
Life beckons on, it soon is gone,
So tell me... What is the choice you make?

U-turns Hate Me.

Today was fun! Surprisingly enough. I didn't go to work which was nice. Of course I offered to work a lot this week... so it's my own fault for working. But my boss is swamped so I figured working when she needs me to is a good idea.

I went to the college library to meet up with my friend Drew to study. We both didn't pay attention last week so we vowed to get something done over spring break. He's really a great guy. I used to dislike him years ago. But since last year we've become good friends. He called me a bitch once because I told his girlfriend I thought he was a douche and she should break up with him. That made me mad. I think that was the first time anyone ever said that to me seriously. Jerk. He really is a rad guy though, but a terrible boyfriend. I'd never want any of my friends dating him. That's beside the point. He's really a sweet guy. He "censored" himself around me, things like "crap", "eff", etc. He knows I don't like that crap. We actually got a lot accomplished. Teamwork! And we laughed and joked too. All good fun. My best friend got out of class and met up with us. I told her I'd take her to lunch somewhere if she bought me food haha.

So we planned on going to Jack in the Box. We passed by Sonic and she goes wait let's go there! So I'm like crap, I hate making u-turns. I pull up at the light past it and am yielding waiting to turn. Well I thought I didn't make a small enough turn. I thought it was too wide. Immediately I think "shoot!" ... but sadly and to my embarrassment I actually in turn said the worse version. I hate filthy language, but I guess no one is perfect eh? She knows how much I detest it when SHE says things like that, but she still does on occasion. So she's staring at me dumbfounded. I luckily made the u-turn barely. Then come the "What did you just say??!" questions and here laughing her butt off. A mortified look is pasted upon my face. I can't say anything. I'm trying not to laugh yet completely dumbfounded that I even said it. It's not like it "slipped" because I've never had a problem cussing, ever! So I have no idea where that came from. She's dying laughing. And I'm like I swear to God it was an accident! Then she laughs about me saying "I swear to God." Then I proceed to apologize and go on and on about I didn't mean it and I just was really worried about jacking up the alignment of the car etc. She just laughed. To her it's no big deal. To me it is. I still can't believe I said it. Ha. I think it's kind of trashy when girls use the F word and every other curse word. Seriously, why? I told this one guy once that it only showed his lack of vocabulary since all he could think of to say about anything was F this and F that. The insult flew way over his head haha. Obviously no one is perfect, and when it slips out that's ok.. as long as it's not habit forming. I can understand guys more than girls. But still. Let's try to stretch our vocab and find other ways to express emotion verbally.

As if that's not great enough... there's more. We ordered our food in the drive through (not drive in). We're waiting and I was telling her about my study time with Drew. I said, "We started doing it, then we realized we did it all wrong." I'm being completely serious talking about the questions. She just gets that look on her face again and says,"Woah woah woah! Y'all did it?!" And I smack my forehead. Sexual innuendos.. gah. They are incredibly irritating at times. So she's laughing hysterically again. I'm yelling above her laughter explaining, "We started doing the QUESTIONS, then we realized we were doing the QUESTIONS wrong." Etc and so forth. We're both dying of laughter at this point. Honestly the things that come out of my mouth... I never mean for half of them to be taken in a "dirty" context. Yet somehow she finds a way to point it out.

We get up to the window and the guy takes forever to hand us our food. We went back to the college after that. My dad's foot is broken so we have a handicap sign in our car. She's like let's put it to good use! So since we can legally park there... we did. We sat having a marvelous chat filled with more laughter. I love that girl to death. We can laugh and be absolutely ridiculous and still be completely serious too. Which we did, we had a serious little side conversation lol.

After that I was at the library for a bit and I got a book (A biography about Edgar Allen Poe, one of my recent favorite writers!). Then I went to a books store. Which is another funny story. I was telling her what I planned to do after she went to go tutor this guy. She, of course, quotes me on this now, and will continue to do so until I say something else quotable. I said, "I'm going to go to half price books... to buy books. For half price." She just starts laughing at me. I laughed to, it was meant as a joke. I love barnes and noble... but sometimes it's dang expensive!

Then after I found a book from my list, I came home and sat under a tree in my front yard and read for a while. I've no plans for the rest of the day. That I am glad. I need to practice my song for voice.. which I have no idea how it goes and I have to have it memorized by tomorrow. Yikes!

That's all for my fun day thus far.

Change

I was thinking today. Haha, that's not new at all. But I was thinking about how much I've changed in the course of one year or so. I started my first job last summer. Did I start slowly? A few hours each couple days? Nope. I jumped in head first. I started working 8 hours 5 days a week a total of 40 hours a week. I like to start things immediately, it's either all or nothing with me. So I went all out. I was only 16 at the time. My parents tend to baby me and think of me as a little girl. What else is new? My parents would give me a hard time about stuff and I remember one moment that made me appreciate my sister more than I have in my whole life. I don't even remember exactly what the problem was. All I remember is that my parents were mad at me about something and my sister says, "I really think y'all should give her a break. She's never complained or whined once this whole summer about working 40 hours a week and paying for gas and or bills." It kind of surprised me she stood up for me. Not because she's a jerk but because I didn't even know she had really taken into account all I had done that summer. Of course my parents saw her point (for once they listened). After she said that it made me stop and think. I didn't even think twice about any of that. Sure it was hard, exhausting, and draining, but I never even see a reason to complain. Maybe I had reason to about having to pay for certain things I didn't want to pay for, but I never did.

Since I had such a steady job with a steady income, I also realized today how well I managed my money. I've payed for my share of things. I payed my own way to camp last summer. Sure I also spent it on frivolous things, who wouldn't? But I haven't worked all school year and I still have money from the summer. I saved almost a thousand dollars to pay for voice lessons all year. My math tutor, my best friends mom, once told me I have a beautiful mind. I was on the phone with my mom discussing something and she then told me when I got off the phone: that the way I look ahead and find answers to problems that might arise and I plan ahead is beautiful. And she went on to say a few other things that, of course, made my feel embarrassed for her praising me so. But nice. I payed for everything for my own birthday party (expensive yo). And yet I somehow managed to save enough for any spending I would want to do during the year. It's not like I'm stingy either. I'm smart with what I buy, but when I see something I really like I'll buy it and not feel guilty. So I managed my money "well" last summer.. and it wasn't even that great. This summer will be a whole new level of smarts ;]. I know what I want and I know I want to save even more. I've always been content with little. I don't need stuff to make me happy. But I do thoroughly enjoy it when I do have it. I don't throw money away, but nor do I hoard it.

But last summer I grew up a lot, I had a lot of responsibility at my job. I matured a lot last summer. It's not like I wasn't mature, because people have always told me I'm mature for my age (ever since I was in Jr. High all the way up to now). Actually lots of events in my life have caused me to see beyond the normal high school sphere of vision. I can't even explain to you what I mean. But I've changed. Not so drastically where all my friends would have noticed. But I really have. I've gained so much responsibility, insight, knowledge, lessons learned, etc. My field of vision in life has been widened. When you taste something good, you want more. I can't wait to grow up and experience all the [good] things this life has to offer. I don't want to waste my life.

I've changed outwardly too. I used to be a blond haired hollister wearing girl. Can you even imagine? Now I have short red hair and I really wear whatever I feel like wearing. Indie, emo, scene, I've heard it all. I wear what I like, if it's "in", fabulous, if it's random and out there, wonderful. I'm the queen of shoes and I love them. I like to change things up. Following each new trend is not only annoying, it's expensive. No thanks. I've had countless people not even recognize me when they first see me. It's actually pretty funny. I've changed so much.

This week, my spring break, I'm not even relaxing. I've worked yesterday and today and I'm working Thursday. Work work work. That way I can have fun with the cash I make. Not all of it of course. ;].

I'm really exhausted from the days work. American Idol is on tonight and I can't wait :]. Then I have a million movies I bought this weekend I want to watch. A Hollywood Video is closing down near my house so all the movies are $3 and under. Not too bad for movies that are $15 $20 in stores. I also bought the entire LOST Season 2 on Dvd! Now I just need season 3.

Anyways. Today was really mundane. This week has been so monotonous. Tomorrow should be fun though. Hopefully.

Nickel Creek

Nickel Creek is one of my favorite bands.

Just a few lines from different songs I like.

Jealous of the Moon

Drag your pretty head around
wearin' you're gonna drown
With a beautiful sigh
And a river of lies

Starin' down the stars
Jealous of the moon
You wish you could fly
Just stayin' where you are
There's nothin' you can do
If you're too scared to try

Doubting Thomas

What will be left when I've drawn my last breath
Besides the folks I've met and the folks who've known me
Will I discover a soul-saving love
Or just the dirt above and below me

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face
Then I beg to be spared cause I'm a coward
If there's a master of death
I bet he's holding his breath
As I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power

Best of Luck

She'll try as hard as she can
But he'll know it isn't good enough and won't ever be
So she'll have to start hiding how she feels though she loves him and he knows it
Still his hands are tied even if he wants to help her

Don't touch, don't look, don't think, best of luck

Why Should the Fire Die?

You're shining still behind the clouds
Saying I won't figure you out
I like it true, but let me try
And try and try for the rest of my life

I'm not scared of being alone
I'm not scared of being alone, being alone

I'm just happier being confused
Beside the fire, as long as it's with you

Tomorrow is a Long Time

If today was not an endless highway
If tonight was not a crooked trail
If tomorrow wasn't such a long time
Then lonesome would mean nothing to me at all

Yes, and only if my own true love was waiting
If I could hear his heart softly pounding
Yes, and only if he was lying by me

Hanging By a Thread

There's a certain kind of pain that can numb you
There's a type of freedom that can tie you down
Sometimes the unexplained can define you
And sometimes the silence is the only sound

Beauty and the Mess

I pull myself under and down I go again
it's just a little bit hard letting them in
looking at the world through elusive eyes
I hide in the spotlight it's a great disguise

Reasons Why

We get distracted by dreams of our own
But nobody's happy while feeling alone
And knowing how hard it hurts when we fall
We lean another ladder against the wrong wall

And climb high to the highest rung, to shake fists at the sky
While others have excuses, I have my reasons why

With so much deception it's hard not to wander away

This Side

One day you'll see her and you'll know what I mean.
Take her or leave her she will still be the same.
She'll not try to buy you with her time.
But nothing's the same, as you will see when she's gone.


You dream of colors that have never been made,
You imagine songs that have never been played.
They will try to buy you and your mind.
Only the curious have something to find.

I love all those songs, and I love this band. It's so depressing that they broke up. And actually, their songs all have a sort of sweetly sad tone to them. They aren't all upbeat and happy. A nice depressing little air about them. I love the harmonies, I think that's a big part of why I love this band. I never really listen to stuff like this... then I heard Helena by them. Bliss! It's like a bitter sweet bliss when listening/reading the lyrics. Anguish. You know? Sometimes I get in a mood where they are perfect to listen to.

This is where one of my favorite phrases came from. "Will I discover a soul saving love?" :]

Tell Me

I sat outside reading today( or yesterday?). The wind was monstrous, yet calming. It whipped my hair up every which way and it made me smile. The subtle strength of the wind is breath taking. When sitting and the wind is blowing all around you, you don't really grasp it's power. I sat looking at the trees swaying back and forth. Trees! These huge towering giants with roots just as deep.. swaying from the wind. Unbelievable. I quickly realized I had stopped reading because I was so utterly transfixed by the wind. I love sitting out under the tree in my front yard reading. Spring has such nice weather. Why am I talking about trees? Because sleep escapes me. I can't understand it. I stayed up late all weekend, I got barely any sleep, I didn't even take a nap (yes I love naps!)... yet sleep evades me. I should be exhausted and falling out of my chair right now. I have to work 8 hours tomorrow! Yet I'm as awake as ever. Thoughts. I think and with my mind processing so much I find it hard to sleep. My poor body. So I wrote a poem then came down here on the computer. It's kind of a dark depressing poem. I don't know why I write those kind. Utterly depressing sad story like poems... you'd think I was emo or depressed. Nope. I find beauty in tragedies. One of my favorite movies is a tragic love story. I'll share with you a short verse I wrote (not a dark sad one... lol). I decided to look at myself and write. So these few lines were put into written form to try and smack some sense into this little body of mine. It's usually all to no avail. I should listen to my own advice... my intuition is usually right, yet I always take advice from others. Why? I don't want to be the one to blame when things run amuck. To take a step of faith, I falter and I fail. It's so much easier to say, "Well they told me to!". I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've followed the advice of friends only to have situations go severely wrong from their poor advice. Intuition is the key. Intuition I now follow. Enjoy. (Why must I squander my youth with such pessimistic falsehoods? Or perhaps pessimistic realities?)

Tell Me

Let's fall in love tonight.
With the sound of the wind,
and the smell of the air.
Would you take one's hand and fall in love?
Or squander your youth on pessimism?
Tell me love, what's so wrong with falling in love tonight?

List

So I found this today :] I wrote it close to three months ago. I love lists. I thought I'd share it to you all here. Who is the "he"? That's for me to know and you to wonder about. (It's one of those a little bit embarrassing things. So We'll leave his name out. Not that he would ever read this or anything.)

Let's make a list:

1. I won't ever date him.

2. He won't ever see past this hiccup.

3. I don't even know if we'll ever be best friends again.

4. Never say forever because that dissolves faster than you say "Wait, what?"

5. I have a feeling all my friends at Houston Northwest will get along just fine with out me.

6. I was there for a season, a season of great joy. But seasons change.

7. I miss them all like crazy but they don't even know.

8. Although I backtrack and say I miss certain things... I still wouldn't date him anyways.

9. I don't want to date anyone right now... especially Josh (josh is not the he... he's a guy who is not the one I've been referring too... get it?). If he wants to hang out great I will. But just because he's one of the hottest guys I know doesn't mean I'll date him.

10. It's hard to go forward when the past still feels like the present but instead the present turns into the past and now we go on to the future (haha did you get that?!)

11. I can't keep I wishing so I won't.

12. We aren't friends really, but I know in random sporadic moments in time we can have some good meaningful talks. Not like we used to.

13. Once he gets a gf I'll feel much better.

14. Things are weird and my friendships are shifting. It's something I like and dislike all at once.

15. I was reading over old messages and I came across the ones between Evan and I(another different guy... geez too many guys in my life for real.). and I realized he did like me and I really did screw it up.

16. I kind of push away every guy that wants to come near me.

17. I realize that the only guy that will ever be right for me is the one who pushes back and fights for me.

18. Right now no guy fits the criteria.

19. I'm terrified of the future only because I keep looking at the past and I expect repeats. Why?

20. I have a problem with being open and honest except in dumb blogs that only limited people can see.

I look back and smile. Oh I love looking back at my thoughts. Honestly that guy, the one you don't know who I'm talking about ;], was a swell fellow. But still I wouldn't have gone back in time and dated him. Nope. I laughed when I reread 20. Toooo true. And 16 17 18 and 19 all made me stop and think. Habit. Push them away and no hurt. Good philosophy, if you want to be alone forever. I sure don't. But honestly I've yet to find a guy who I like that fits the criteria. What is the criteria? Look at 17. That's just a faint whisper of the real criteria. Guys, as macho as they are, lack in the really good qualities. Real men are hard to come by. I know I joke about guys having big egos and I put them in their place... but I really don't mean it like that. There's a difference between having an inflated ego and macho attitude and being a real man. Not to mention 9 is entirely wrong now haha. Then yes, now no. Yes, I turn guys down, but that doesn't mean I don't want to. It means the one I want to hasn't come along yet.

I love lists. They are quite excellent. I enjoyed reading this one and laughing at myself then thinking about other things.