Amber love this is for you!

An update. You should be proud. how in depth it is I don't know.

But I will say that right now I have this calm peacefulness that has settled over my heart mind and soul. Why? Honestly nothing in my life is going fabulous but nor is it going bad. It's just average. A lull. I thought my summer would be going very differently by now, but I'm happy the way it is. In fact I love my life!

I've come to so many realizations and learned so much. I've learned more about myself. You know what's the absolute craziest thing of all? I find myself less worried about everything. Yes, everything. Money, college, school in general, job, family, life, guys, everything.

Also I feel like my eyes have been opened. Opened in a way not many people would imagine. Opened in a way I can't explain on a blog, nor do I want to.

I will say for a time I had a lack of security I have no idea why or how it settled on me, especially since I've always been secure in who I am. I was still confident and not afraid of anything, but I did waver on somethings. I just wavered in personality stuff and how people perceive me etc. For a while it loomed over me like a fatal disease, slowly draining the life from me. Then it hit me one day, I figured out WHY. I'm sorry to say I can't say why here. But once I understood it was like a switch just flipped in my life. Suddenly it went from dark to light in one instance. It was amazing. Things still aren't easy but I'm ok, better than ok, joyful even!

I've learned a lot about myself, even some not so good stuff, but in learning I learn to fix it. Sure my pride was wounded but I've gotten over that because it was stupid. I'm sure none of this makes sense, but oh well!

Amberrr/Ashh, feel free to text/call anytime if you actually want to know what the heck I'm talking about! lol!

That's all for a while.

Hello.

I barely find time to update this. Perhaps it's because I don't want to record my thoughts as of late. Why don't I? Maybe I don't want you to know my thoughts :P. Kidding. Kind of. Lot's to think about. But isn't there always?

"Firm through the fiercest drought and storm."

So true. With all my thoughts lately it's nice to put those at rest at least. Seriously it's a weight off my mind. How did I ever doubt? Why did I ever doubt? Because sometimes your faith needs to be tested. If it can't survive doubts and tests, then what kind of faith is it in the first place? Not a very good faith obviously. Maybe not even your own. It's nice to slowly ease back into normality. Honestly my faith is the center of my life and nothing will change that. Nothing can take it's place. It's firm. Many factors have lead through this time of careful thought and drought.

A quote I love is from A Walk To Remember, " It's like the wind. I can't... see it, but I feel it."

How true is that? So true. A content is escaping from me right about... now. :]

It's that feeling where you feel so light and free, nothing can bring you down. But of course something always brings you down. How grateful I am for such blessed assurance. Now to strive ahead for the goal, to keep my eyes focused. Set my sight on things above and not earthly things.

Does this all sound like lunacy? I sound crazy sometimes don't I. I'm ok with that. :]

That's all... for noww.

The Cremation of Same McGee

Today in class my teacher read the post fabulous poem aloud. Honestly it's one of my favorites and I love it. I actually had read it before today. In her class she likes to introduce us to writers who are famous and esteemed, and usually people we have never heard of. I had! Robert Service's poem is fantastic and full of talent, the art of it is stunning. Try and write a poem like this one, I dare you. It's hard. Read it, laugh, smile, be mortified, I don't care. Just read it! It is so worth it. I find free verse kind of "so-so" at times. Sure, some of it is phenomenal... but in my personal opinion rhythm and rhyme make it so much richer. Note in this poem the rhymes within the lines. "Talk of your cold! through the parka’s fold it stabbed like a driven nail." Then it rhymes in the next line at the end also. Ah!! So good! I want to write something as great as this one day.

The Cremation of Sam McGee

by Robert W. Service

There are strange things done in the midnight sun
By the men who moil for gold;
The Arctic trails have their secret tales
That would make your blood run cold;
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
But the queerest they ever did see
Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
I cremated Sam McGee.

Now Sam McGee was from Tennessee, where the cotton blooms and blows.
Why he left his home in the South to roam ‘round the Pole, God only knows.
He was always cold, but the land of gold seemed to hold him like a spell;
Though he’d often say in his homely way that “he’d sooner live in hell.”

On a Christmas Day we were mushing our way over the Dawson trail.
Talk of your cold! through the parka’s fold it stabbed like a driven nail.
If our eyes we’d close, then the lashes froze till sometimes we couldn’t see;
It wasn’t much fun, but the only one to whimper was Sam McGee.

And that very night, as we lay packed tight in our robes beneath the snow,
And the dogs were fed, and the stars o’erhead were dancing heel and toe,
He turned to me, and “Cap,” says he, “I’ll cash in this trip, I guess;
And if I do, I’m asking that you won’t refuse my last request.”

Well, he seemed so low that I couldn’t say no; then he says with a sort of moan:
“It’s the cursed cold, and it’s got right hold till I’m chilled clean through to the bone.
Yet ‘taint being dead—it’s my awful dread of the icy grave that pains;
So I want you to swear that, foul or fair, you’ll cremate my last remains.”

A pal’s last need is a thing to heed, so I swore I would not fail;
And we started on at the streak of dawn; but God! he looked ghastly pale.
He crouched on the sleigh, and he raved all day of his home in Tennessee;
And before nightfall a corpse was all that was left of Sam McGee.

There wasn’t a breath in that land of death, and I hurried, horror-driven,
With a corpse half hid that I couldn’t get rid, because of a promise given;
It was lashed to the sleigh, and it seemed to say: “You may tax your brawn and brains,
But you promised true, and it’s up to you to cremate those last remains.”

Now a promise made is a debt unpaid, and the trail has its own stern code.
In the days to come, though my lips were dumb, in my heart how I cursed that load.
In the long, long night, by the lone firelight, while the huskies, round in a ring,
Howled out their woes to the homeless snows—O God! how I loathed the thing.

And every day that quiet clay seemed to heavy and heavier grow;
And on I went, though the dogs were spent and the grub was getting low;
The trail was bad, and I felt half mad, but I swore I would not give in;
And I’d often sing to the hateful thing, and it hearkened with a grin.

Till I came to the marge of Lake Lebarge, and a derelict there lay;
It was jammed in the ice, but I saw in a trice it was called the “Alice May.”
And I looked at it, and I thought a bit, and I looked at my frozen chum;
Then “Here,” said I, with a sudden cry, “is my cre-ma-tor-eum.”

Some planks I tore from the cabin floor, and I lit the boiler fire;
Some coal I found that was lying around, and I heaped the fuel higher;
The flames just soared and the furnace roared—such a blaze you seldom see;

Then I burrowed a hole in the glowing coal, and I stuffed in Sam McGee.

Then I made a hike, for I didn’t like to hear him sizzle so;
And the heavens scowled, and the huskies howled, and the wind began to blow.
It was icy cold, but the hot sweat rolled down my cheeks, and I don’t know why;
And the greasy smoke in an inky cloak went streaking down the sky.

I do not know how long in the snow I wrestled with grisly fear;
But the stars came out and they danced about ere again I ventured near;
I was sick with dread, but I bravely said: “I’ll just take a peep inside.
I guess he’s cooked, and it’s time I looked;” . . . then the door I opened wide.

And there sat Sam, looking cool and calm, in the heart of the furnace roar;
And he wore a smile you could see a mile, and he said: “Please close that door.
It’s fine in here, but I greatly fear you’ll let in the cold and storm—
Since I left Plumtree, down in Tennessee, it’s the first time I’ve been warm.”

There are strange things done in the midnight sun

By the men who moil for gold;

The Arctic trails have their secret tales

That would make your blood run cold;

The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,

But the queerest they ever did see

Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge

I cremated Sam McGee.

Well, it's a new post

Hello blogging world! I had something of importance to say... but as soon as I hit "new post" it completely slipped my mind. Drat. OH! I remembered :]. I finished New Moon in one night. I'm a complete and utter nerd... I read ridiculously fast and I love books, what can I say? But Mere Christianity, for some reason I can't get into that book. One of these days.

Oh and I'm so pissed because I have had Breakfast of Champions sitting in my room for weeks now, and for what? No reason at all. I started it and was really intrigued by it, but for some reason I didn't get past a few chapters. Too busy. I've found less time for books. I really need to straighten my hours out and go to sleep earlier. Sigh.

I have lots of things running around in my head about this summer and next school year. I want to do a lot of things.

Also I want to start putting up more videos on my youtube account. That would be really fun.

That reminds me of singing... which reminds me of voice lessons which in turn makes me think of piano lessons which makes me super pissed at myself for NOT practicing the piano today. UGH!!!!! I irritate myself sometimes. o;aihglsjkdfgslkdg

Ok I'm headed off to sleep because youtube is being LAME and won't let me upload the stupid picture I want for my profile picture. Gah. I'll put it on here instead. Lametown.

Blonde hair!/Video

I have blonde hair now! Yay! I'm so excited about it:]. And if you care to see it you can go watch my youtube video and see it:



Oh and also you can read one of my hater comments on another video! I laughed. I was a bit mean back... but whateverrr ;]

Nooo Title

Funny, I love to write, I love to read, and I love words. Yet with words at my fingertips and tucked away in the corners of my mind I still can't put this feeling into words. Even weirder this is the start, who knows what can happen after. But this feeling, I still can't describe this feeling.

Shrugs.

Sympathy

I haven't blogged in a few days, sorry. Today I'm going to tell you about class this week and last week.

Last week my teacher was teaching us the correct way to format a sympathy note and what to say. Oh gosh it was refreshing to hear someone who knew what they were talking about. She told the class what not to say, things like "She's in a better place" or "I know how you feel" even "I can only imagine what you must be going through!" Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. First off, even if she is in a better place, I really freaking don't want to hear that after she died ok? It still hurts even if you try and make me feel better by saying she's in a better place. And how the devil do you, who has never gone through this nor lost someone, know how I'm feeling? You don't! And I don't expect you to. You're making some huge statements claiming to know how I feel, how can you know when I don't even know some times? And you certainly can NOT imagine! So don't try, you think you would know but you don't. I thought I would know, I was wrong. (And btw I say "you" but I don't mean you reading this... I'm saying you to people in general who say stuff like this... currently of the three people who read my blog that I know of... none of you did this and were perfectly fine and I appreciate you guys.). All of this is to say she elaborated on what not to say, and boy did she ever get it right.

Then she proceeded on the correct things to say. She got it all right, she told everyone how to be considerate of the one who lost a loved one. Things like "All the one grieving wants is for you to bring who ever died back. There's no way we can do that. So bring their memory to life, let them relive those precious moments." Yes. Exactly. I was so grateful someone smacked some sense into my peers. A little over two years ago my sister died. None of my friends knew what to say or how to act, but I didn't blame them. I was very nice in my grief, never lashing out on anyone. In fact I was the considerate one. I always thought of the other persons feelings, never wanting them to be uncomfortable or wanting them to feel awkward. I went way out of my way to make sure the other person was ok when they were trying to make sure I was ok. Simply because they had no idea how to make sure I was ok and usually screwed up and made me feel worse, but, instead of letting them know they said they were hurting me worse I appreciated the effort and saw the thought they had for me. So I was ridiculously nice. I know some people who are mean. They straight out are rude when you say the wrong thing and they just don't care about the other person. Everything my teacher said was exactly right. I wanted to scream to everyone in that class to listen hard! Listen good! Actually, just listen! Most everyone my age are stuck in a bubble and don't really care about others or situations like these. It seems far off, unreal, and it's never close to home, so why should they care? Because one day they will need to care. She told us all the right way to write a sympathy note.

In fact, I was so grateful I went up to her after class and let her know. I thanked her and told her how much I appreciate the fact that someone was willing to try and let youth my age know about stuff like this. Especially since most don't care and don't listen. Not to mention it's a hard thing to have to talk about anyways.

That was last week. Now for this week.

We have a different writing assignment this time around. But she graded most of the notes and read some appalling statements. She was just frustrated because so many people didn't follow simple instructions and guidelines. Here are some examples that I can recall:

"I think about (so and so) at times and am sad, and I know you think about (so and so) too, even if it is a different kind of grief." WHAT!? Why would you say "at times"... gah.

"I learned a lot from your son and I'm sure you learned stuff from him too." Are you kidding? The person was writing to his freaking mother.

I can't even remember all the ones she read aloud. It was ridiculous. I'm sitting there baffled at the pure idiocy and lack of tack some of them had and the cold notes. They were well meaning, but definitely wrong and only worse and hurtful. My friends! People I know, people my age, people I sit in class with. My peers. Had I received any of those types of letters I would have been insanely nice about it... but it would have only deepened my hurt. Perhaps I'll post all the notes I took on the correct way to write a sympathy note... but not now.

So she's just going on about it some more. Class is almost over. I can see it in some of their faces, they don't care. "What does this older teacher know?" or "She just goes on and on and never stops." I know what they think, I can see it in their eyes that they aren't really taking note of what she's saying. Why should they? It's a class, a writing assignment. It's coming from an older teacher who was born way before their time. I wanted to say something. I knew I had to. How else would the point come across? A lot of them didn't know me back then and don't know my sister died. I'm working up the courage to actually spill my guts to a class that shows no interest in the matter. My mind is running with words and sentences and what I should say to get my point across. I know the moment I would open my mouth they would listen then stop and think about EVERYTHING she said. It would be real to them. Suddenly Mrs. Coy is right and it makes sense. I knew if I said something confirming all that she said and the look on my face, the earnestness, the hurt.. I knew they would suddenly care. But did I really want to say something? Did I want them to know? Did I want them to sit and stare at me stumbling through my words restating what my teacher so eloquently just said that they seemed to be ignoring? My heart was pounding faster and faster. My hands began to shake. I'm second guessing actually sharing personal experience. The color in my cheeks didn't burn red, thankfully. But my heart feels as if it's about to explode, why? I don't mind talking in front of people or being on stage... but this was something so close to home and I didn't know if they would really listen, but of course I knew they would... but I was afraid they wouldn't. Finally I raise my hand and wait a few minutes. My teacher smiles and asks me what my question is, the rest of the students are putting their things up and scooting their chairs around, anxious to get out of class. So I simply said I wanted to say something to the class. Everyone slows down a bit and looks at me. Then I begin. I can't recall everything I said. Soon everyone has stopped. The moment I said, "I don't think most of you know... but my sister died a few years back." Suddenly it was quiet and all eyes and ears were on me. I stopped a moment, not for dramatic affect, which it did add a dramatic affect... it was just unintentional, but merely because I was hesitant to continue. I shared with them how much it meant to me everything my teacher was saying. Everything she said was right. I told them I hoped they would listen and care and understand. I told them how when we received letters some were heartless and mechanical and how some hurt... a lot. I told them how it really does affect someone when they receive a rude, but well intentioned, note. A said a few other things. My teacher just smiled, I knew she was glad I said something. It's different when teacher says something than when a student, a peer, a friend, someone the same age says something. Suddenly everyone in the room listened and actually thought about it, (granted some did before of course.) She spoke a few minutes more about what I said. Then she dismissed us. I could feel the curious eyes on me. I could feel the looks. The sudden interest. All of a sudden they saw me in a different light. I was just like them, I laughed I joked I had fun on breaks just like them. Suddenly pain and hurt from death was in the midst of them. I saw different guys especially just look at me differently. What they were thinking I'll never know. But I could see it in their eyes they were thinking about everything I said. I could see that all of a sudden they were thinking about it all. I could see the sorry in their eyes for not taking this assignment seriously. I saw so many things. But mainly I felt the new stares and them looking at me in a different light.

I'm glad I said something.

Thought: I honestly don't understand why people harp on how "bad" this earthly existence is. We look forward to how "great" life will be after we die and usher into our "spiritual" life. Sure there are bad parts (hence the last post about escaping reality through books), but sometimes you need to run through the bad to get to the good.
Further thought: Why does everything have to deal with life after death? What's so wrong with living this one?

Sigh. Thanks for running a million miles an hour stupid brain. You're such a pal.

P.s. The books I bought were New Moon by Stephenie Meyer and Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. I'm obsessed with the Twilight trilogy (it's fantastic... stirs emotions in me I didn't know could be stirred. Funny, it's about vampires ;). And I had been wanting to read Mere Christianity for a while now. Honestly I think at this given point in my life it would be a good idea to read it... for multiple reasons.

But I'm going to read. Goodnight.

Books, Reality, and Further Thoughts

My book experiment has failed miserably. That's kind of depressing. But I bought two books today! All free too. I had gift cards to Barnes and Noble. I'm going to start both today probably. I start multiple books at once and whichever one grabs my attention out of them all I finish that one first. Sometimes anyways. Most times I read just one at a time.

I love books because it's a form of entertainment you can lose yourself in. You can escape reality for a time, and sometimes I just need to escape the insanity of reality.

So here's a thought. We use books/movies/any type of entertainment to escape reality right? Why is reality so bad? Why does it have to be bad? Why? Why is our world just a piece of crap in general? Where'd all the good stuff go? You know let's go back to one of my favorite lyrical lines: Will I discover a soul saving love?". Favorite favorite favorite! That one line induces much thought in my mind. I've always thought, (Ok yes... whatever let's just leave religion out of this ok?), that perhaps love really does complete you, save you, keep you sane. I mean people say "I've found my other half". Sure life will never be perfect. But that one love, one person, one relationship that lasts a lifetime... I always thought it would just feel so right you know? The imperfections... you look past those. The disagreements, the fights, any conflicts, love surpasses them all up and over looks them. But I always hoped and had the idea that that person will be the one you can create a new reality with. When with them you're in another world, the crap world doesn't seem so real and being with them eases the burden. I think of it as this, when you're with that person you can rest from life's troubles, the hardships. Being with them is a comfort. All I can say is that it "feels right". As lame as that sounds. Am I making sense? If you're around them or talking to them life really does seem a bit sweeter.

I'm not making any sense. Maybe I'll try and elaborate later. But I really want to try and say what I'm thinking about this. It's always been on my mind. Oh well, better luck next time.

I don't know

Last night after getting off the phone I couldn't fall asleep. Not that I didn't want to, because I was exhausted, I was running on empty. Yet sleep didn't come. I started to write my thoughts down... thoughts I've been hesitant to even record. Well I started to. It felt great. Yet not so great. Things I've been feeling and dealing with for the past year. Long time coming, eh? I can't bring myself to post it here now.

But I didn't go to church (ugh thank goodness). Not that I have a problem with church... you know. I find little enjoyment as of late. It's kind of stale and bland. But in general I like church. But I was so tired this morning and I told my mom that and she just let me stay home.

Thoughts thoughts thoughts. How do you share your thoughts when they're running a million miles an hour around up inside your head and you can't even figure out what exactly you think, you're not sure, it's all muddled and confused up there? You can't. Until then, they'll be continually analyzed and mulled over in my own mind, for myself, no one else for now.

What am I talking about? Umm, yeah. Maybe it's best to just not say for now. I'll keep you posted though. It's about a lot of things actually. Not one sole thing.