Tears, (yes real ones) caress my cheeks. As I began to write this poem just one fell. But one would not do, so many more followed. This is in memory, in honor of a sister most beloved. It has no name yet. But to cry? This is so not me.
My selfish life just died one night,
With dreary news and nothing bright.
I sat and I stared hearing the news,
Change happens you cannot refuse.
Leukemia! My young mind screamed,
This, oh this, I never dreamed.
Shock and numbness filled my mind,
Why couldn’t fate be more kind?
Tears I cannot remember,
But fear I felt for her.
One so fragile, one so young,
This disease she was cast among.
Dear Dinah, dear sister,
That day I missed her.
Life altered so sudden, so fast,
Funny how “normal” is a thing of the past.
Jr. High is seething with selfishness,
I became estranged from normalness.
Your drama, your tears,
It’s nothing compared to all my fears.
Chemo so bad, is now the best,
Hope flees with the rest.
I watch as her hair falls to the ground,
She laughs and she smiles, she does not frown.
A joy so deep, so free she gives,
Her body is dying, but her soul still lives.
Months go by, she is finally set free,
She can live here again, again with me.
We live each day without a care,
We all refuse to despair.
She’s home with us, we can’t complain,
But cancer, oh it’s a ball and chain.
Back? How can it be back?
I watch as my world turns black.
Twice this happens, twice I hate,
An ugly head rears, it’s only fate.
Again? She must suffer again?
Why is this allowed to happen?
My God I despise and cry out to,
Have you forsaken the whole world too?
So strong she is, I try to be,
But it’s so very hard, since I am me.
The days come, the months roll by,
Time so short, oh it does sure fly.
I watch as her body takes a beating,
Her beauty though, is never fleeting.
Her cheeks so fat, her rash so red,
Her body with fluids, is now so bloated.
Her skin turned yellow,
Yet she’s never mellow.
A smile is there, it never falters,
It never changes, it never alters.
The doctors so incompetent,
My fear and hatred is now so bent.
We visit and we wait,
As she’s laying on her egg crate.
Her mind so altered, she isn’t the same,
Even with drugs, she knows my name.
Tears fill me eyes and fight not to cry,
She sees me and she worries and wonders why.
She calls a name, “Le-Le-” but it doesn’t come out,
She reaches for me, not them, without a doubt.
Her dying day and she thinks of me,
She’s so selfless can’t you see?
She motions to me and asks for a hug,
I give her squeeze, crushing her like a bug.
I cannot take it, to see her like this!
She’s leaving us, and entering eternal bliss.
But I need you here, I love you so,
I just am not one to let it show.
Her small lifeless body lies so still,
I sing her a song feeling a chill.
Her casket is lying a foot away,
Oh how I hated that long long day.
Tears could not come and I wondered why?
They evaded me, I could not cry.
Her body is now six feet deep,
But her soul the ground could not keep.
With dreary news and nothing bright.
I sat and I stared hearing the news,
Change happens you cannot refuse.
Leukemia! My young mind screamed,
This, oh this, I never dreamed.
Shock and numbness filled my mind,
Why couldn’t fate be more kind?
Tears I cannot remember,
But fear I felt for her.
One so fragile, one so young,
This disease she was cast among.
Dear Dinah, dear sister,
That day I missed her.
Life altered so sudden, so fast,
Funny how “normal” is a thing of the past.
Jr. High is seething with selfishness,
I became estranged from normalness.
Your drama, your tears,
It’s nothing compared to all my fears.
Chemo so bad, is now the best,
Hope flees with the rest.
I watch as her hair falls to the ground,
She laughs and she smiles, she does not frown.
A joy so deep, so free she gives,
Her body is dying, but her soul still lives.
Months go by, she is finally set free,
She can live here again, again with me.
We live each day without a care,
We all refuse to despair.
She’s home with us, we can’t complain,
But cancer, oh it’s a ball and chain.
Back? How can it be back?
I watch as my world turns black.
Twice this happens, twice I hate,
An ugly head rears, it’s only fate.
Again? She must suffer again?
Why is this allowed to happen?
My God I despise and cry out to,
Have you forsaken the whole world too?
So strong she is, I try to be,
But it’s so very hard, since I am me.
The days come, the months roll by,
Time so short, oh it does sure fly.
I watch as her body takes a beating,
Her beauty though, is never fleeting.
Her cheeks so fat, her rash so red,
Her body with fluids, is now so bloated.
Her skin turned yellow,
Yet she’s never mellow.
A smile is there, it never falters,
It never changes, it never alters.
The doctors so incompetent,
My fear and hatred is now so bent.
We visit and we wait,
As she’s laying on her egg crate.
Her mind so altered, she isn’t the same,
Even with drugs, she knows my name.
Tears fill me eyes and fight not to cry,
She sees me and she worries and wonders why.
She calls a name, “Le-Le-” but it doesn’t come out,
She reaches for me, not them, without a doubt.
Her dying day and she thinks of me,
She’s so selfless can’t you see?
She motions to me and asks for a hug,
I give her squeeze, crushing her like a bug.
I cannot take it, to see her like this!
She’s leaving us, and entering eternal bliss.
But I need you here, I love you so,
I just am not one to let it show.
Her small lifeless body lies so still,
I sing her a song feeling a chill.
Her casket is lying a foot away,
Oh how I hated that long long day.
Tears could not come and I wondered why?
They evaded me, I could not cry.
Her body is now six feet deep,
But her soul the ground could not keep.
I like to write late at night. And this, this I needed to write. I ignore the pain, even though it's been so long. When I write I feel, when I feel I hurt, when I hurt I can heal. And healing needs to come. It's been years. I just want to feel damn it, why is it so hard? (and note i really hate profanity.) Why is letting any emotion out so hard? Why can I not cry but a few tears, why can I not let others in and see the hurt so buried deep within? I can't because I barely let myself even comprehend the deep hurt inside myself, I ignore it. Sigh. Oh it seems like yesterday... just yesterday when I saw her sweet smile, when I saw that coffin. Will everyone so dear to me leave? Whether here on earth to heaven, or on earth just to leave?
I put these photos up only so you can see what I have seen each step of the way.
First week in. We're both so young.
I'm not even in highschool there
I'm not even in highschool there
Who smiles whilst their hair is falling out? She does.
That beautiful time of remission, before the cancerreturned crashing down on us like a mighty wave.
We still had fun times. (See the yellowing of her skin...)
((I'm in the stripes btw. 8th grade))
Isolation period. Which meant germs were mortal
enemies and we had to look like "ducks" as Dinah said
I love this one.
Barely coherent, yet she knew my name, soothed my pain.
Six feet under... but that couldn't hold her down.
1 comment:
oh leeeah. :(
this one made me cry.
in the middle of the college library.
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