Now, this is one of those blog I really didn't know if I wanted to post. Why? I think the title explains that one. I just can't let my thoughts be glossed over so flippantly and not know what you're thinking. Normally I don't care... what you think doesn't matter to me. But for this... I'm soooo weird about this subject that I absolutely MUST speak to you about this (i.e. in person or via phone.) Of course I have no way of knowing if you ever read this. Just, before you read it... just commit it to memory to actually talk me about this and let me try and explain further. Ah like you Ash, this is not a slight towards your dating relationship, not in the least. And Amber, yeah I'm sure we'll have a blast discussing this one :]. As for you Daniel , because obviously you do read my stuff, since I don't know you that well I'm sure you'll think I'm crazy. I'm ok with that. So to anyone else reading this.. why are you reading this?! Go away. Jk. Kind of. Ok ... so yeah if you come to the conclusion I'm crazy... at least have the decency to TELL me. Please and thank you. Talk to me people.
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warning: this is a really long blog, to say in the least)Have you ever felt the weight of despair burdening your mind and promising to never leave? Or even a small dose of depression. Maybe even like all your hopes dreams and wishes will never come true? Have you ever felt so cynical and so heavy hearted that everything good and true in the world seemed unreachable? I have.
But of course, this despair is selective. For some reason it's only about falling in love. I really have a strange obsession and fear that
I'll never fall in love. Not merely everyday normal love, but a deep, rich, satisfying, heart wrenching, painfully pleasurable, can't live without them, and would rather die than be separated, kind of love. You read about that kind of love. Only once in a blue moon do you actually see such love in real life. I really wonder if I have seen such love.
I just can't even begin to describe to you the anguish I feel at times. It's not normal. It makes me feel weird, like I'm weird. Why do I insist on waiting for something that doesn't exist? Why do I secretly hope for a fleeting dream that simply vanishes in the morning? Why must I plague my mind will such silly notions? Why do I refuse to settle? Why do I lie to myself and tell myself love isn't that important? Why am I so difficult? Honestly there are more times than not that I really and truly believe I'll never find such love. It's not merely the "I love you"-simply-because-we're-dating-and-it's-normal-to-say-it-but-if-
we-break-up-in-2-months-it-meant-nothing-love. I'm scared to death of that love. The real love... I despair over, the other I fear. I'm scared I'll find someone I think is worth it and at the time it's so wonderful but then it ends. Short. Abrupt. Fake. You wouldn't know it, you wouldn't guess it... but I really am a very deeply emotional girl. Inwardly, at times, I feel as if I am a bottomless chasm that only deepens with each breath I take, thought I think, and wish I cast. At times
I don't even understand my emotions. They are so stiff, formal, and very unmoving on the surface. No tears. No anger. I do laugh. But the happiness I show is only a fraction of what I feel. So cool. So pristine. So still. That is how I think I portray myself outwardly at times. I don't like showing emotion. I hate showing it because I'm afraid if I show it someone will get a good look at me and see me for who I am, someone I don't want out. (But... this person peaks through during two times. One. When I'm singing, more when I'm worshiping my Lord and Savior. And Two. When I write, like now) And I think showing emotion is letting someone else get the upper hand on me. I'm just generally a closed person. Sure I'm friendly and outgoing and I make tons of friends, but that doesn't mean I want them to see the deeper side of me. I'm sure many people who know me don't really know me. That's ok with me, most of the time. But I'm getting off track. I'm afraid of opening myself, the side I hide, to someone who "loves" me and for them to throw it back in my face. Love is forever. I want to find the love that no matter what I know it will last my whole lifetime. Divorce. It is an ugly vile word that I detest with everything in me. I guess I have a fear of rejection in a sense, but sadly its roots stem deeper than most girls my age. In this shallow pool called high school I find it hard to really deepen certain relationships. I question guys motives. I have had countless friendships end... with guys. Simply because when they opened their eyes and realized I didn't want to date them, they left. Who knows why. It used to not be so bad. It's not like we were good friends. It was always the ones who just liked me. Not real friends, just the passing friends, the high school friends. But when my best friend, a guy I trusted more than any other guy in my life, did the same thing, it hurt. He'd gained my trust, in the form of friendship, nothing more. Then when it turned toward something more... I had to let him know it couldn't be like that. And he left. He had promised me no matter what we'd always be friends. I don't hate him. I don't even despise him. I just miss what we had, the trust. I am always always assuming no guy in high school is worth a second glance. This whole ridiculous obsessed with love thing doesn't help either. When longing for something and yet avoiding it entirely... it just isn't a good mix. It turns into despair, anguish. Now we've made it back around full swing to the beginning.
It's as if I am running. I'm pressing onward. There is just one complication, I refuse to open my eyes. I cling to the only hope in me. If I open my eyes I'll see where I'm headed. Am I headed into heartache and disappointment? Or am I heading toward the love I long for? I'm running. Will anyone ever come along and stop me?
Maybe I fool myself. I am certainly not the only one to feel like this. Perhaps I fool myself and really every other person in the world has the same desire as me. But if so, then the very thing I long for doesn't exist. I long for a different kind of love, the one that is scarce. If everyone else wanted what I wanted then it would spring up more often. All the love around wouldn't be shallow. I refrain from saying fake, because to them, it is real. I mean who am I to judge the deepness of someone else's relationship? If everyone else is just as foolhardy as me and they long for this kind of love, I fool myself. Who am I to think my passion and longing are deeper and more meaningful than the last girl who passed me by on the sidewalk today? If they want it, and I want it, we all want it... then why don't any of us get it? Maybe it's that I don't settle. Maybe because in a world where settling is the trend, I fall out out of the norm. What I long for... I wait for. Maybe everyone else has the same innate desire I have, they just don't wait for it. Maybe we are all fools, those of us who really want love. It's a universal dream in the midst of a horrifying reality.
Perhaps it is better to vow to abandon such dreams. Perhaps it is best to forge ahead towards my other goals in life. Everything I want to see and do can be accomplished alone. But how much richer and more fulfilling would it be if it were with someone else? I can't know. I don't know. I only dream.
I think the worst person anyone could say would be: "I know exactly how you feel! That is everything I want and long for too. You just word it better." I guess really it would just be worst if another girl said it. it almost is a slight. It's MY personal hopes, are you jacking off my dreams? She could say, "I understand, I have similar dreams." But to claim they have the same feeling as me towards love would only confirm my fear of my being a fool. Find your own dreams. There is just one thing I want, I want just one guy, not two or three, but one guy to feel the same as me. Not necessarily have the very same exact view of love... but for him to want me. Don't we all have that desire? To have someone want us above everyone else? To know next to everyone else they chose you. That must be an incredible feeling.
Do I make any sense? Is this all nothing more than the ridiculous blathering on of idiotic and far fetched fairy tales of a young girl with her head in the clouds? If so, tell me. Tell me and rip this torture away. I really should stop referring to love as this painful allusion, but until I find such love, it will torment me. To have it would appease it, to not only worsens it. Love. So simple a word with such an undefinable definition.
A look. A touch. A smile. When a guy does these things, I want to know it's love. Of course the feeling would be incredible, but the roots that go deeper than the mind and heart and soul and everything we can imagine... to know beyond a shadow of a doubt... to know the love was real and it could last, oh you better believe that's what I hope for. To last. But how is this possible? I mean, look at the world we live in. That's exactly why it's possible. We need a refreshing love that let's us escape the troubles of our world. A love that goes beyond the insanity of our society, to throw us a line to reel us in when life gets rough, to strengthen us when we are weak, to encourage us when we fall down, to praise us when we are lifted up, to humble us when we need it, to be the breathing anchor that steadies us... that's the love we need. That's what is severely lacking. That's why there are so many broken homes and broken lives. That love is near non-existent in our society. If that was the love people shared I bet divorce ratings would be WAY lower. Obviously, I really hate divorce... a lot.
But the thing that's even worse than wanting all of this, this love, is to know there is a very large possibility it will pass me up. I am so preoccupied with steering clear of the shallow nonsense that the one guy who may very well be the deepest one... I may let pass by. Oh how utterly depressing would that be? A life without love. I feel a death sentence staring me down in the face and dejectedly I stare back. Life without love is the death sentence, it looms over me like a fatal disease. A love that forsakes and leaves me would be the death of me. Not in a physical sense, but emotionally. I'm like a rose, prickly on the outside. I'm closed up, shy. Even with tender sunshine falling on my petals, I don't open. But, if one waits patiently, eventually I will open up and and share a stunning gift. Which brings me to another fear. That no guy ever in the world will ever care enough to wait. I'm slow. I'm untrusting. I'm wary. I question motives. I run. I hide. I fight. Who the heck wants to deal with a girl like that? No one I assume. You can be reading this and laugh at me, but I'm dead serious. Let's say, hypothetically of course, there was a guy who liked me. I liked him back... and admitted to this openly (that's the hypothetical part). But upon hearing my bitter and spiteful hurting words about guys he is annoyed but looks past it. Of course being the girl I am I'll set up about a million roadblocks as an attempt to keep him at bay. Even though I actually do like him I push him away. I understand guys like challenges, but I have a way with words that cut like a knife through their hearts. I know how to inflict hurt with precision. Which may or may not be good. I say things I only half mean, an attempt to get a rise out them, to scrutinize them, and to test them. When I say goodbye, I really mean, are you going to walk away or will you fight to stay? Of all the many guys I've liked none have ever measured up. The society we live in just doesn't produce the kind of guy I long for. A man. A man of honor, integrity and chivalry. A guy who will fight me or rather
fight for me. Men are in short supply these days. They don't stand up for what the believe, they back down, they are all a bunch of pansy-like boys in men's clothing. What happened to the men of honor? I'm a really stubborn person when I want to be. When guarding my heart I'll fight to the death. I love this one song:
Unsafe Safe - The Hush Sound
Don't open the safe is unsafe
No you won't disarm my heart
The last gift you'll ever get from me
Is the combination or the key
In a world of liars, I choose to keep what I have safe. I refuse to be a girl who hands over her heart on a silver platter to the first guy who wants it. You want it? You gotta prove you're worth trusting. My heart is mine, it's not just for the taking, it's for the winning. Prove yourself, then win it. If no guy ever cares enough to do that, then I guess I'll never let anyone ever have my heart, nor my love.
Is compromise an option? Absolutely not. Love is something all long for. It's something I know without a doubt I can live without. I'd rather live a life of loneliness than ever compromise. Compromise what? Everything I believe. I hate writing... because there is ALWAYS a huge amount of what I'm thinking I just don't know how to say. It's like there's a million thoughts running around up there... but only one is let loose and put into words. It's really quite frustrating. So here's a terrifying thought... so we know I'll never settle and I have high standards... but that's not the scary part, the terrifying part is that perhaps I won't measure up to someone else's standards. That is even worse than not being in love, to see the right person and know it isn't possible. Devastating.
We can't forget yet another factor... dating leads to marriage. Love is thrown in the midst of that. I would never date someone who I couldn't potentially in the far off future see myself with. Marriage. That freaks me out like none other! Seriously! I mean I'm only 17... marriage... it's forever! Ahh. And of course I won't be married anytime soon... but dating... last I checked the REAL purpose of dating is to lead to marriage. But of course most everyone these days don't even begin to think about marriage when dating someone, it's creepy. It's all about the sex and love and ohh so good feeling. Please. I wish more people actually grasped that dating leads to marriage. AND YET this is one reason I do not just date every guy I see. I'm not going to waste time with someone I'm unable to see myself with in the long run. I'd rather spend that time developing and strengthening all the things about me, not waste it on a boyyy. AH one guy even talked of marriage... when we weren't even dating! It was insanely weird and creeped me out. So I shy away from love... because that is only one stop closer to marriage. Most guys my age really don't think about marriage. But when I'm dating someone I'm not going to be psycho and be like MARRIAGE!!! Because if someone did that to me I'd leave them in a heartbeat. I just wouldn't get into a relationship at the drop of the hat. I'd definitely have to know him and about him. And if he didn't meet the criteria or whatever... see ya dude. Perhaps this is all way too serious for someone my age to be thinking about. But well, I don't see the point in dating just to date. That's just stupid. Why would do you like me? Why do you want to date me? These are the questions I would want a guy to ask me.. not out right but subtly.. I'll be doing the same. So yes, love means eventual marriage. Creepiness.
Perhaps you've found at least some insight as to why this love seems so impossible to me. One I scarcely believe it exists. Two my expectations are really high ( or deep haha ). Three I don't think such a guy could exist. Four even if I found such a guy I would merely just push him away. Five I'm too scared of such a risk. Six Love (usually) means eventual marriage, marriage is freaky to think about.
Congratulations Leah, you've successfully set up your defenses in such a way that you will never fall in love.
... is it impossible or is it not?
I just want it. I'm human, could you expect anything less?
Even with all my doubts, I still cling to the hope that one day something really great might come. Maybe that quote, "Good things come to those who wait." will prove to be right. But it's not like I'm sitting around like a lost puppy... just waiting to be picked up and loved. Ahh no no. I have a life I'm busy living. I'm growing into a woman of integrity (I mean I can't expect a great man of integrity if I myself am not a woman of one, can I?). I don't want to be like everyone else. I want to be one who rises up out of the ashes of this hell hole and actually have some worth tacked onto my name. I don't want to just be "a wife". I want to be THE wife. The one that perhaps one guy is truly amazed to have. Perfection is impossible. But the higher you reach the higher you go, and when you fall, your still a heck of a lot closer to the top than the people who had lower standards than you. (In regard to personal expectations, not love.)
There is a quote I like:
She ignores all the other guys... because she too busy waiting for him.Who is he? The one better than the rest of course!
Is this all crazy talk? Or does it in some way shape or form actually make sense. Tell me is this lunacy?
What do you think?Ps. I've been adding on to this blog over the course of this week. To write all that in one sitting?! I can't imagine if you actually read all that at once. Bravo. You sat through my crazy thoughts. This is a more serious blog... I'm not all deep and with a straight face all the time. Just this time. Heck I can't lie, I can't wait to have a ridiculously good time with a guy and laugh and make jokes and be stupid... also I can't lie..the physical stuff doesn't sound too bad either ;]. Just so you know, I'm not allllllwaaayss so serious. This is just my more serious blog. IN YO FACE. Jk. Idk why I said that. So yeah. Let's have a chat. Call me and tell me why I was crazy or why I was ... something else! I loove love talks. Wooo the girly side in me exists!
Pss. You'd think I had an emotionally scarring relationship, eh? Wrong.
