Hello blogging world! I had something of importance to say... but as soon as I hit "new post" it completely slipped my mind. Drat. OH! I remembered :]. I finished New Moon in one night. I'm a complete and utter nerd... I read ridiculously fast and I love books, what can I say? But Mere Christianity, for some reason I can't get into that book. One of these days.
Oh and I'm so pissed because I have had Breakfast of Champions sitting in my room for weeks now, and for what? No reason at all. I started it and was really intrigued by it, but for some reason I didn't get past a few chapters. Too busy. I've found less time for books. I really need to straighten my hours out and go to sleep earlier. Sigh.
I have lots of things running around in my head about this summer and next school year. I want to do a lot of things.
Also I want to start putting up more videos on my youtube account. That would be really fun.
That reminds me of singing... which reminds me of voice lessons which in turn makes me think of piano lessons which makes me super pissed at myself for NOT practicing the piano today. UGH!!!!! I irritate myself sometimes. o;aihglsjkdfgslkdg
Ok I'm headed off to sleep because youtube is being LAME and won't let me upload the stupid picture I want for my profile picture. Gah. I'll put it on here instead. Lametown.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Blonde hair!/Video
I have blonde hair now! Yay! I'm so excited about it:]. And if you care to see it you can go watch my youtube video and see it:
Oh and also you can read one of my hater comments on another video! I laughed. I was a bit mean back... but whateverrr ;]
Oh and also you can read one of my hater comments on another video! I laughed. I was a bit mean back... but whateverrr ;]
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Nooo Title
Funny, I love to write, I love to read, and I love words. Yet with words at my fingertips and tucked away in the corners of my mind I still can't put this feeling into words. Even weirder this is the start, who knows what can happen after. But this feeling, I still can't describe this feeling.
Shrugs.
Shrugs.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Sympathy
I haven't blogged in a few days, sorry. Today I'm going to tell you about class this week and last week.
Last week my teacher was teaching us the correct way to format a sympathy note and what to say. Oh gosh it was refreshing to hear someone who knew what they were talking about. She told the class what not to say, things like "She's in a better place" or "I know how you feel" even "I can only imagine what you must be going through!" Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. First off, even if she is in a better place, I really freaking don't want to hear that after she died ok? It still hurts even if you try and make me feel better by saying she's in a better place. And how the devil do you, who has never gone through this nor lost someone, know how I'm feeling? You don't! And I don't expect you to. You're making some huge statements claiming to know how I feel, how can you know when I don't even know some times? And you certainly can NOT imagine! So don't try, you think you would know but you don't. I thought I would know, I was wrong. (And btw I say "you" but I don't mean you reading this... I'm saying you to people in general who say stuff like this... currently of the three people who read my blog that I know of... none of you did this and were perfectly fine and I appreciate you guys.). All of this is to say she elaborated on what not to say, and boy did she ever get it right.
Then she proceeded on the correct things to say. She got it all right, she told everyone how to be considerate of the one who lost a loved one. Things like "All the one grieving wants is for you to bring who ever died back. There's no way we can do that. So bring their memory to life, let them relive those precious moments." Yes. Exactly. I was so grateful someone smacked some sense into my peers. A little over two years ago my sister died. None of my friends knew what to say or how to act, but I didn't blame them. I was very nice in my grief, never lashing out on anyone. In fact I was the considerate one. I always thought of the other persons feelings, never wanting them to be uncomfortable or wanting them to feel awkward. I went way out of my way to make sure the other person was ok when they were trying to make sure I was ok. Simply because they had no idea how to make sure I was ok and usually screwed up and made me feel worse, but, instead of letting them know they said they were hurting me worse I appreciated the effort and saw the thought they had for me. So I was ridiculously nice. I know some people who are mean. They straight out are rude when you say the wrong thing and they just don't care about the other person. Everything my teacher said was exactly right. I wanted to scream to everyone in that class to listen hard! Listen good! Actually, just listen! Most everyone my age are stuck in a bubble and don't really care about others or situations like these. It seems far off, unreal, and it's never close to home, so why should they care? Because one day they will need to care. She told us all the right way to write a sympathy note.
In fact, I was so grateful I went up to her after class and let her know. I thanked her and told her how much I appreciate the fact that someone was willing to try and let youth my age know about stuff like this. Especially since most don't care and don't listen. Not to mention it's a hard thing to have to talk about anyways.
That was last week. Now for this week.
We have a different writing assignment this time around. But she graded most of the notes and read some appalling statements. She was just frustrated because so many people didn't follow simple instructions and guidelines. Here are some examples that I can recall:
"I think about (so and so) at times and am sad, and I know you think about (so and so) too, even if it is a different kind of grief." WHAT!? Why would you say "at times"... gah.
"I learned a lot from your son and I'm sure you learned stuff from him too." Are you kidding? The person was writing to his freaking mother.
I can't even remember all the ones she read aloud. It was ridiculous. I'm sitting there baffled at the pure idiocy and lack of tack some of them had and the cold notes. They were well meaning, but definitely wrong and only worse and hurtful. My friends! People I know, people my age, people I sit in class with. My peers. Had I received any of those types of letters I would have been insanely nice about it... but it would have only deepened my hurt. Perhaps I'll post all the notes I took on the correct way to write a sympathy note... but not now.
So she's just going on about it some more. Class is almost over. I can see it in some of their faces, they don't care. "What does this older teacher know?" or "She just goes on and on and never stops." I know what they think, I can see it in their eyes that they aren't really taking note of what she's saying. Why should they? It's a class, a writing assignment. It's coming from an older teacher who was born way before their time. I wanted to say something. I knew I had to. How else would the point come across? A lot of them didn't know me back then and don't know my sister died. I'm working up the courage to actually spill my guts to a class that shows no interest in the matter. My mind is running with words and sentences and what I should say to get my point across. I know the moment I would open my mouth they would listen then stop and think about EVERYTHING she said. It would be real to them. Suddenly Mrs. Coy is right and it makes sense. I knew if I said something confirming all that she said and the look on my face, the earnestness, the hurt.. I knew they would suddenly care. But did I really want to say something? Did I want them to know? Did I want them to sit and stare at me stumbling through my words restating what my teacher so eloquently just said that they seemed to be ignoring? My heart was pounding faster and faster. My hands began to shake. I'm second guessing actually sharing personal experience. The color in my cheeks didn't burn red, thankfully. But my heart feels as if it's about to explode, why? I don't mind talking in front of people or being on stage... but this was something so close to home and I didn't know if they would really listen, but of course I knew they would... but I was afraid they wouldn't. Finally I raise my hand and wait a few minutes. My teacher smiles and asks me what my question is, the rest of the students are putting their things up and scooting their chairs around, anxious to get out of class. So I simply said I wanted to say something to the class. Everyone slows down a bit and looks at me. Then I begin. I can't recall everything I said. Soon everyone has stopped. The moment I said, "I don't think most of you know... but my sister died a few years back." Suddenly it was quiet and all eyes and ears were on me. I stopped a moment, not for dramatic affect, which it did add a dramatic affect... it was just unintentional, but merely because I was hesitant to continue. I shared with them how much it meant to me everything my teacher was saying. Everything she said was right. I told them I hoped they would listen and care and understand. I told them how when we received letters some were heartless and mechanical and how some hurt... a lot. I told them how it really does affect someone when they receive a rude, but well intentioned, note. A said a few other things. My teacher just smiled, I knew she was glad I said something. It's different when teacher says something than when a student, a peer, a friend, someone the same age says something. Suddenly everyone in the room listened and actually thought about it, (granted some did before of course.) She spoke a few minutes more about what I said. Then she dismissed us. I could feel the curious eyes on me. I could feel the looks. The sudden interest. All of a sudden they saw me in a different light. I was just like them, I laughed I joked I had fun on breaks just like them. Suddenly pain and hurt from death was in the midst of them. I saw different guys especially just look at me differently. What they were thinking I'll never know. But I could see it in their eyes they were thinking about everything I said. I could see that all of a sudden they were thinking about it all. I could see the sorry in their eyes for not taking this assignment seriously. I saw so many things. But mainly I felt the new stares and them looking at me in a different light.
I'm glad I said something.
Last week my teacher was teaching us the correct way to format a sympathy note and what to say. Oh gosh it was refreshing to hear someone who knew what they were talking about. She told the class what not to say, things like "She's in a better place" or "I know how you feel" even "I can only imagine what you must be going through!" Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. First off, even if she is in a better place, I really freaking don't want to hear that after she died ok? It still hurts even if you try and make me feel better by saying she's in a better place. And how the devil do you, who has never gone through this nor lost someone, know how I'm feeling? You don't! And I don't expect you to. You're making some huge statements claiming to know how I feel, how can you know when I don't even know some times? And you certainly can NOT imagine! So don't try, you think you would know but you don't. I thought I would know, I was wrong. (And btw I say "you" but I don't mean you reading this... I'm saying you to people in general who say stuff like this... currently of the three people who read my blog that I know of... none of you did this and were perfectly fine and I appreciate you guys.). All of this is to say she elaborated on what not to say, and boy did she ever get it right.
Then she proceeded on the correct things to say. She got it all right, she told everyone how to be considerate of the one who lost a loved one. Things like "All the one grieving wants is for you to bring who ever died back. There's no way we can do that. So bring their memory to life, let them relive those precious moments." Yes. Exactly. I was so grateful someone smacked some sense into my peers. A little over two years ago my sister died. None of my friends knew what to say or how to act, but I didn't blame them. I was very nice in my grief, never lashing out on anyone. In fact I was the considerate one. I always thought of the other persons feelings, never wanting them to be uncomfortable or wanting them to feel awkward. I went way out of my way to make sure the other person was ok when they were trying to make sure I was ok. Simply because they had no idea how to make sure I was ok and usually screwed up and made me feel worse, but, instead of letting them know they said they were hurting me worse I appreciated the effort and saw the thought they had for me. So I was ridiculously nice. I know some people who are mean. They straight out are rude when you say the wrong thing and they just don't care about the other person. Everything my teacher said was exactly right. I wanted to scream to everyone in that class to listen hard! Listen good! Actually, just listen! Most everyone my age are stuck in a bubble and don't really care about others or situations like these. It seems far off, unreal, and it's never close to home, so why should they care? Because one day they will need to care. She told us all the right way to write a sympathy note.
In fact, I was so grateful I went up to her after class and let her know. I thanked her and told her how much I appreciate the fact that someone was willing to try and let youth my age know about stuff like this. Especially since most don't care and don't listen. Not to mention it's a hard thing to have to talk about anyways.
That was last week. Now for this week.
We have a different writing assignment this time around. But she graded most of the notes and read some appalling statements. She was just frustrated because so many people didn't follow simple instructions and guidelines. Here are some examples that I can recall:
"I think about (so and so) at times and am sad, and I know you think about (so and so) too, even if it is a different kind of grief." WHAT!? Why would you say "at times"... gah.
"I learned a lot from your son and I'm sure you learned stuff from him too." Are you kidding? The person was writing to his freaking mother.
I can't even remember all the ones she read aloud. It was ridiculous. I'm sitting there baffled at the pure idiocy and lack of tack some of them had and the cold notes. They were well meaning, but definitely wrong and only worse and hurtful. My friends! People I know, people my age, people I sit in class with. My peers. Had I received any of those types of letters I would have been insanely nice about it... but it would have only deepened my hurt. Perhaps I'll post all the notes I took on the correct way to write a sympathy note... but not now.
So she's just going on about it some more. Class is almost over. I can see it in some of their faces, they don't care. "What does this older teacher know?" or "She just goes on and on and never stops." I know what they think, I can see it in their eyes that they aren't really taking note of what she's saying. Why should they? It's a class, a writing assignment. It's coming from an older teacher who was born way before their time. I wanted to say something. I knew I had to. How else would the point come across? A lot of them didn't know me back then and don't know my sister died. I'm working up the courage to actually spill my guts to a class that shows no interest in the matter. My mind is running with words and sentences and what I should say to get my point across. I know the moment I would open my mouth they would listen then stop and think about EVERYTHING she said. It would be real to them. Suddenly Mrs. Coy is right and it makes sense. I knew if I said something confirming all that she said and the look on my face, the earnestness, the hurt.. I knew they would suddenly care. But did I really want to say something? Did I want them to know? Did I want them to sit and stare at me stumbling through my words restating what my teacher so eloquently just said that they seemed to be ignoring? My heart was pounding faster and faster. My hands began to shake. I'm second guessing actually sharing personal experience. The color in my cheeks didn't burn red, thankfully. But my heart feels as if it's about to explode, why? I don't mind talking in front of people or being on stage... but this was something so close to home and I didn't know if they would really listen, but of course I knew they would... but I was afraid they wouldn't. Finally I raise my hand and wait a few minutes. My teacher smiles and asks me what my question is, the rest of the students are putting their things up and scooting their chairs around, anxious to get out of class. So I simply said I wanted to say something to the class. Everyone slows down a bit and looks at me. Then I begin. I can't recall everything I said. Soon everyone has stopped. The moment I said, "I don't think most of you know... but my sister died a few years back." Suddenly it was quiet and all eyes and ears were on me. I stopped a moment, not for dramatic affect, which it did add a dramatic affect... it was just unintentional, but merely because I was hesitant to continue. I shared with them how much it meant to me everything my teacher was saying. Everything she said was right. I told them I hoped they would listen and care and understand. I told them how when we received letters some were heartless and mechanical and how some hurt... a lot. I told them how it really does affect someone when they receive a rude, but well intentioned, note. A said a few other things. My teacher just smiled, I knew she was glad I said something. It's different when teacher says something than when a student, a peer, a friend, someone the same age says something. Suddenly everyone in the room listened and actually thought about it, (granted some did before of course.) She spoke a few minutes more about what I said. Then she dismissed us. I could feel the curious eyes on me. I could feel the looks. The sudden interest. All of a sudden they saw me in a different light. I was just like them, I laughed I joked I had fun on breaks just like them. Suddenly pain and hurt from death was in the midst of them. I saw different guys especially just look at me differently. What they were thinking I'll never know. But I could see it in their eyes they were thinking about everything I said. I could see that all of a sudden they were thinking about it all. I could see the sorry in their eyes for not taking this assignment seriously. I saw so many things. But mainly I felt the new stares and them looking at me in a different light.
I'm glad I said something.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Thought: I honestly don't understand why people harp on how "bad" this earthly existence is. We look forward to how "great" life will be after we die and usher into our "spiritual" life. Sure there are bad parts (hence the last post about escaping reality through books), but sometimes you need to run through the bad to get to the good.
Further thought: Why does everything have to deal with life after death? What's so wrong with living this one?
Sigh. Thanks for running a million miles an hour stupid brain. You're such a pal.
P.s. The books I bought were New Moon by Stephenie Meyer and Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. I'm obsessed with the Twilight trilogy (it's fantastic... stirs emotions in me I didn't know could be stirred. Funny, it's about vampires ;). And I had been wanting to read Mere Christianity for a while now. Honestly I think at this given point in my life it would be a good idea to read it... for multiple reasons.
But I'm going to read. Goodnight.
Further thought: Why does everything have to deal with life after death? What's so wrong with living this one?
Sigh. Thanks for running a million miles an hour stupid brain. You're such a pal.
P.s. The books I bought were New Moon by Stephenie Meyer and Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. I'm obsessed with the Twilight trilogy (it's fantastic... stirs emotions in me I didn't know could be stirred. Funny, it's about vampires ;). And I had been wanting to read Mere Christianity for a while now. Honestly I think at this given point in my life it would be a good idea to read it... for multiple reasons.
But I'm going to read. Goodnight.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Books, Reality, and Further Thoughts
My book experiment has failed miserably. That's kind of depressing. But I bought two books today! All free too. I had gift cards to Barnes and Noble. I'm going to start both today probably. I start multiple books at once and whichever one grabs my attention out of them all I finish that one first. Sometimes anyways. Most times I read just one at a time.
I love books because it's a form of entertainment you can lose yourself in. You can escape reality for a time, and sometimes I just need to escape the insanity of reality.
So here's a thought. We use books/movies/any type of entertainment to escape reality right? Why is reality so bad? Why does it have to be bad? Why? Why is our world just a piece of crap in general? Where'd all the good stuff go? You know let's go back to one of my favorite lyrical lines: Will I discover a soul saving love?". Favorite favorite favorite! That one line induces much thought in my mind. I've always thought, (Ok yes... whatever let's just leave religion out of this ok?), that perhaps love really does complete you, save you, keep you sane. I mean people say "I've found my other half". Sure life will never be perfect. But that one love, one person, one relationship that lasts a lifetime... I always thought it would just feel so right you know? The imperfections... you look past those. The disagreements, the fights, any conflicts, love surpasses them all up and over looks them. But I always hoped and had the idea that that person will be the one you can create a new reality with. When with them you're in another world, the crap world doesn't seem so real and being with them eases the burden. I think of it as this, when you're with that person you can rest from life's troubles, the hardships. Being with them is a comfort. All I can say is that it "feels right". As lame as that sounds. Am I making sense? If you're around them or talking to them life really does seem a bit sweeter.
I'm not making any sense. Maybe I'll try and elaborate later. But I really want to try and say what I'm thinking about this. It's always been on my mind. Oh well, better luck next time.
I love books because it's a form of entertainment you can lose yourself in. You can escape reality for a time, and sometimes I just need to escape the insanity of reality.
So here's a thought. We use books/movies/any type of entertainment to escape reality right? Why is reality so bad? Why does it have to be bad? Why? Why is our world just a piece of crap in general? Where'd all the good stuff go? You know let's go back to one of my favorite lyrical lines: Will I discover a soul saving love?". Favorite favorite favorite! That one line induces much thought in my mind. I've always thought, (Ok yes... whatever let's just leave religion out of this ok?), that perhaps love really does complete you, save you, keep you sane. I mean people say "I've found my other half". Sure life will never be perfect. But that one love, one person, one relationship that lasts a lifetime... I always thought it would just feel so right you know? The imperfections... you look past those. The disagreements, the fights, any conflicts, love surpasses them all up and over looks them. But I always hoped and had the idea that that person will be the one you can create a new reality with. When with them you're in another world, the crap world doesn't seem so real and being with them eases the burden. I think of it as this, when you're with that person you can rest from life's troubles, the hardships. Being with them is a comfort. All I can say is that it "feels right". As lame as that sounds. Am I making sense? If you're around them or talking to them life really does seem a bit sweeter.
I'm not making any sense. Maybe I'll try and elaborate later. But I really want to try and say what I'm thinking about this. It's always been on my mind. Oh well, better luck next time.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
I don't know
Last night after getting off the phone I couldn't fall asleep. Not that I didn't want to, because I was exhausted, I was running on empty. Yet sleep didn't come. I started to write my thoughts down... thoughts I've been hesitant to even record. Well I started to. It felt great. Yet not so great. Things I've been feeling and dealing with for the past year. Long time coming, eh? I can't bring myself to post it here now.
But I didn't go to church (ugh thank goodness). Not that I have a problem with church... you know. I find little enjoyment as of late. It's kind of stale and bland. But in general I like church. But I was so tired this morning and I told my mom that and she just let me stay home.
Thoughts thoughts thoughts. How do you share your thoughts when they're running a million miles an hour around up inside your head and you can't even figure out what exactly you think, you're not sure, it's all muddled and confused up there? You can't. Until then, they'll be continually analyzed and mulled over in my own mind, for myself, no one else for now.
What am I talking about? Umm, yeah. Maybe it's best to just not say for now. I'll keep you posted though. It's about a lot of things actually. Not one sole thing.
But I didn't go to church (ugh thank goodness). Not that I have a problem with church... you know. I find little enjoyment as of late. It's kind of stale and bland. But in general I like church. But I was so tired this morning and I told my mom that and she just let me stay home.
Thoughts thoughts thoughts. How do you share your thoughts when they're running a million miles an hour around up inside your head and you can't even figure out what exactly you think, you're not sure, it's all muddled and confused up there? You can't. Until then, they'll be continually analyzed and mulled over in my own mind, for myself, no one else for now.
What am I talking about? Umm, yeah. Maybe it's best to just not say for now. I'll keep you posted though. It's about a lot of things actually. Not one sole thing.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Ohh look what I stumbled upon
This particular blog post was saved as a draft. I don't know why I didn't post it. I wrote it as one of my first blogs. It would have been posted on 2.5.08
It's a deep pity and a waste... about the amount of time I actually have Love on my mind. Ridiculous? Yes it is. Perhaps it's because I've never been in love myself. Things you don't have you want even more. The ones out of reach just make you reach harder. Well I'm not reaching. I won't reach. I'll want, but I won't reach. For if I'm reaching what image does that display? I'm not the one to pursue. I think this is why many many of the guys I have liked and "talked" with ended. They didn't really understand the concept of pursuing. I'm sick and tired of this world. I'm in the middle of watching A Knights Tale, and it's just so depressing. Guys don't prove their love like that these days.
This is why I'll end up an old maid. And alone.
I set my standards high, I expect more than guys are used to. I don't settle (ha anymore).
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self‑seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
That's what love is. Yet in so many peoples lives I don't see that kind of love. I look around at my friends relationships (well... some), I see my sisters' college friends and their relationships. Shallow. It isn't near what the above states. With so many false connotations of love floating around, what am I supposed to expect?
If what I see is truly all there is to love, I don't know if I want to fall in love. I will only be satisfied with the deepest truest and most trusting love of all.
With "I love you" spewing out of teens mouths like rapid fire, it's kind of sickening. They don't know what love is. Sex is love. Or at least that's what our culture tells us. There's more too it than that, it's definitely a great part of it, but just part. What is love? Will I find it?
You know, even though I look for more in a guy, I still am a bit shallow. I honestly couldn't like a guy who I wasn't attracted to. If I'm going to date someone he definitely HAS to be hot. And I mean I'm not super ugly so it's not impossible. I'm pretty pretty right? Yep. But hopefully some guy will think I'm pretty, but he'll look beyond that and love me for who I am, what my heart is, what I have to say.
And I definitely will never date an idiot. I'd probably shoot myself. Ah. I'm one for stimulating conversation, a nice banter of words. And not just a guy who talks a lot, a guy with substance, a guy with more on his mind than making a "that's what she said" joke every 5 seconds. But of course, an uptight fellow wouldn't be good at all. Ha, I laugh at those jokes... but yeah. A good conversationalist who is witty, sarcastic, and makes great jokes :]
I want to know that no matter what in the world, I can trust that guy. I have a really big issue with trust... so whatever happens whatever love is, trust is a huge MUST. I can never love someone if I couldn't trust them. I want an honest relationship. I want the kind of love that even in silence the passion is deafening. I want to just simply be able to look in his eyes and know beyond a shadow of a doubt he's willing to do anything he possibly can for me, and for him to look me in the eyes and know the same. (Of course anything I say, it's implied it would all be returned towards him)
I wrooote this at the beginning of February. I didn't "finish" it, simply because I wrote it so long ago. Well, longish. Haha so yeah, hopefully I really don't end up an old maid :P. I had fun reading this! Haha :]
It's a deep pity and a waste... about the amount of time I actually have Love on my mind. Ridiculous? Yes it is. Perhaps it's because I've never been in love myself. Things you don't have you want even more. The ones out of reach just make you reach harder. Well I'm not reaching. I won't reach. I'll want, but I won't reach. For if I'm reaching what image does that display? I'm not the one to pursue. I think this is why many many of the guys I have liked and "talked" with ended. They didn't really understand the concept of pursuing. I'm sick and tired of this world. I'm in the middle of watching A Knights Tale, and it's just so depressing. Guys don't prove their love like that these days.
This is why I'll end up an old maid. And alone.
I set my standards high, I expect more than guys are used to. I don't settle (ha anymore).
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self‑seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
That's what love is. Yet in so many peoples lives I don't see that kind of love. I look around at my friends relationships (well... some), I see my sisters' college friends and their relationships. Shallow. It isn't near what the above states. With so many false connotations of love floating around, what am I supposed to expect?
If what I see is truly all there is to love, I don't know if I want to fall in love. I will only be satisfied with the deepest truest and most trusting love of all.
With "I love you" spewing out of teens mouths like rapid fire, it's kind of sickening. They don't know what love is. Sex is love. Or at least that's what our culture tells us. There's more too it than that, it's definitely a great part of it, but just part. What is love? Will I find it?
You know, even though I look for more in a guy, I still am a bit shallow. I honestly couldn't like a guy who I wasn't attracted to. If I'm going to date someone he definitely HAS to be hot. And I mean I'm not super ugly so it's not impossible. I'm pretty pretty right? Yep. But hopefully some guy will think I'm pretty, but he'll look beyond that and love me for who I am, what my heart is, what I have to say.
And I definitely will never date an idiot. I'd probably shoot myself. Ah. I'm one for stimulating conversation, a nice banter of words. And not just a guy who talks a lot, a guy with substance, a guy with more on his mind than making a "that's what she said" joke every 5 seconds. But of course, an uptight fellow wouldn't be good at all. Ha, I laugh at those jokes... but yeah. A good conversationalist who is witty, sarcastic, and makes great jokes :]
I want to know that no matter what in the world, I can trust that guy. I have a really big issue with trust... so whatever happens whatever love is, trust is a huge MUST. I can never love someone if I couldn't trust them. I want an honest relationship. I want the kind of love that even in silence the passion is deafening. I want to just simply be able to look in his eyes and know beyond a shadow of a doubt he's willing to do anything he possibly can for me, and for him to look me in the eyes and know the same. (Of course anything I say, it's implied it would all be returned towards him)
I wrooote this at the beginning of February. I didn't "finish" it, simply because I wrote it so long ago. Well, longish. Haha so yeah, hopefully I really don't end up an old maid :P. I had fun reading this! Haha :]
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Sleepy smiles
You know what feeling I love? That feeling of when your sleepy... so you lay down, not to nap, but just because you're sleepy. So you doze off... but then you wake up 2 minutes later because someone texted you. And you're still sleepy, but not as sleepy, but a wee bit rested but you're lying there so comfortably. Not to mention you're texting your best friend. And also the fact that best friends tend to make you smile makes the barely sleepy semi-coherent wakefulness yet kinda out of it feeling so much better. So I love that kinda tired/sleepy feeling where you can't help but smile. It makes it better because when I'm sleepy cause I don't think straight.. thus relieving some of those annoying thoughts. And it makes the world seem nicer because you don't really worry as much when you're sleepy.
I say all this because it just happened to me jtodayyy haha :]
Oh and we can't forget about the moments right before you fall asleep. You're tired and exhausted... on the edge of waking thoughts and dream filled sleep. It feels like reality and you confuse what's real with what is a dream. And also the moment you wake up in the morning and you realize you have a few extra minutes of sleep so you doze off into unconsciousness every few minutes. It's that delirious state where you just are kind of there.
Haha :] I love this post. So random.
I say all this because it just happened to me jtodayyy haha :]
Oh and we can't forget about the moments right before you fall asleep. You're tired and exhausted... on the edge of waking thoughts and dream filled sleep. It feels like reality and you confuse what's real with what is a dream. And also the moment you wake up in the morning and you realize you have a few extra minutes of sleep so you doze off into unconsciousness every few minutes. It's that delirious state where you just are kind of there.
Haha :] I love this post. So random.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
These Thoughts
"These thoughts run through my head, Over and over." -Anberlin, Paperthin Hymn
I feel as if two forces are tearing me apart. They are pulling and tearing my mind to shreds. It's all I can think about. I can scarcely even tell you because to put into words what I'm thinking is just unthinkable. Everything is crystal clear and yet so muddied. It makes perfect sense, yet is utter nonsense. What to do? What to think? How to feel? Then to be in certain situations only worsens it. I falter and I'm too scared to even speak or write what I'm thinking... because it's the saneness that makes me insane. Those who know me best... don't. If they had a peak into my thoughts... I'm sure they'd be completely befuddled and wonder how they never knew so much was raging on inside of me. Have you ever heard of Brand New? I love that band. They have an album called, "The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me." Yeah.
Why? Why must I think incessantly and never cease?
Frightening... these thoughts are frightening. But I cannot bring myself to stop mulling over it all.
The only consolation is one of the things that only causes me more thought. Sigh.
I feel as if two forces are tearing me apart. They are pulling and tearing my mind to shreds. It's all I can think about. I can scarcely even tell you because to put into words what I'm thinking is just unthinkable. Everything is crystal clear and yet so muddied. It makes perfect sense, yet is utter nonsense. What to do? What to think? How to feel? Then to be in certain situations only worsens it. I falter and I'm too scared to even speak or write what I'm thinking... because it's the saneness that makes me insane. Those who know me best... don't. If they had a peak into my thoughts... I'm sure they'd be completely befuddled and wonder how they never knew so much was raging on inside of me. Have you ever heard of Brand New? I love that band. They have an album called, "The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me." Yeah.
Why? Why must I think incessantly and never cease?
Frightening... these thoughts are frightening. But I cannot bring myself to stop mulling over it all.
The only consolation is one of the things that only causes me more thought. Sigh.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
